Footsteps in the sand fade away,
as night will always dwindle into day,
for bodies, once so alive, will decay,
and life will forever shrivel into death,
but Time continues on.
Feelings of love grow ice-crystal cold.
Logic freezing the mind, uncontrolled
it shatters the glad memories of old.
Piece by piece they surely melt
because Time continues on.
Dreams blaze, only messages half-remembered.
The letters flaring dimly, dying embers
now singed with the words, “Return to sender.”
Will the note ever rekindle,
when Time continues on?
Living life through all this unfading pain,
rejoicing, knowing that hurt is only ever frozen in frames,
is what makes everyone reach out and touch the licking flames.
As if masochists, everyone is grateful that
Time continues on.
(Hopefully, the rhyming doesn't sound too forced.
) * EDITED 4th time.
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*Cuffs you over the head* You're a silly panda! What's the point of mentioning something I can't change!
*Hits you again* Tell me when this review will start helping!
Ahh, perhaps I should replace the word "mind" with "soul". The logic (uncontrolled, because it is not wanted) freezes real emotion, and after such a long time untended they break.
*Awesome face* Yeah, I thought so.
Okay, it was actually the same sentence. The whole meaning of the poem escaped, you didn't it?
Anyway, thanks for the review, I will take everything you said into account and edit!
Have A Nice Day (You panda-man),
Azrael.
Ha! Thanks for the comment, but the point of the stanza is to get you to imagine the process. Ice-crystal - frozen, shattering like glass and then melting into a puddle, a shadow of the beauty it once was. The full cycle.
Have A Nice Day,
Azrael.
Hey Squidikle
It does a bit, but that can't be helped, considering the fact that you wrote this to rhyme.
I liked this stanza as much as I disliked it. I don't know if the rhyming helps your poem, or makes it harder to read. For some reason I think the poem would read better if only every second rhymed. Or not. I can't make up my mind. It does sound good with the rhyme/rhyme/not rhyme/not rhyme/Time statement, but I can't help but think the traditional rhyme/not rhyme/rhyme/not rhyme would work better. But that's my own opinion, and it'd be hard to implement this suggestion without changing your poem entirely.
Am confused. How is the mind uncontrolled when it has been frozen with logic? When you freeze something, it's under control. And why do these memories shatter?
I like the cleverness of this - the whole image of letters and dreams and just pure awesomeness.
I liked the juxtaposing of the fire and the water elements in this stanza. I fixed this last stanza up the way I think the whole poem should be like - when a sentence continues to the next line, it should be uncapitalized because they are the same sentence. But that's only my opinion.
I did like the poem though, it was nice
- jhoijhoi
I like this poem, a lot! I like the first and third stanzas the best. I like that the first staza talks about life will end and yet time will never. I do think there are one or two things you might consider changing...
And maybe think about capitalization and puntcuation...
~Rain~
Awesome! Thanks for the review! And I thought it was a little too long, but I wasn't too sure. Thank you again!
I like the topic and title of this poem. It's a very poetic thing to write about.
The whole "seemingly endless unfading pain" thing is a little long there. Maybe you could pick either "endless" or "unfading" and just go with that. Or reword that part, but that's just a suggestion.
Good job, though! Also, I love how you repeat "time continues on" at the end of each stanza.