A man of little consequence
stumbled on a town one day,
and in that town, he saw a fence
blocking people from the way.
This man was puzzled by this wall,
this blockage of the way inside,
for it would admit no one at all,
and caused a giant people tide.
Inside the wall there lay a dove,
so beautiful for the eye to see,
yet it would not the outside love,
and certainly not you or me.
The thing the dove may never know, the thing it will not learn
is the feeling of the world outside; to live, to cry, to yearn.
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Canary word: Present
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125,014 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
Ligea,
I'm going to have to agree with with the other reviewers. Is the dove suppose to be a metaphor for something because it didn't communicate it that clearly. And also one part I didn't get was when you said this
I had to read it before it made sense to me. Do you mean it would not see the outside love? If you did I would add see so that it said
Besides the things I mentioned above it was a great poem and I enjoyed readed it! Hope I helped:D
- lilgreendots <3
I think this is a really really good poem. It seems to me that it has a clear message and it has been put across very well.
I personally think the layout is good, however I don't know if you meant to set out the last stanza as you did and it may work better being set out as the other stanza's have been.
I also like the fact that the poem is short and flows really nicely.
I haven't got any critisisms, they have already been mentioned by previous people.
Overall well done and keep writing
Hi!
I'm not sure what you were trying to communicate here -- at first I thought the fence was civilisation, preventing people from being themselves, but then you introduced the dove, and I'm not sure what that's meant to be. That could be me being dense, though.
Five minutes later...
Is the dove humanity, trapped by the wall of civilisation? That would be why it doesn't know the feeling of the world outside, but I don't get why it wouldn't love the outside. Couldn't love the outside, maybe, but I'm still not crystal clear on all your imagery, so that may be something to work on.
Some of the rhyme felt a little off -- if you read it aloud, some of it, especially the first stanza, feels a little off. Phrases like "giant people tide" and "certainly not you or me" feel forced, as though they're just in there for the rhyme.
I did like the message (as I tried to understand it) about people being trapped by the expectations of society and civilisation. It feels like a good poem, you just need to sharpen the imagery a bit, I think.
PM me if you have any questions!
-twit
I like it a lot, especially the last stanza, but it's quite vague. Are you trying to say that civilisation confines you from experiening life for real? If so, expand on it, because it doesn't really explain it. Also, do you mean that the bird is inside the confines of the wall, or inside the wall itself? I didn't understand.
The last line is very touching. I loved it