Young Writers Society

This is really good it shows a lot and it shows how the children stick up for themselves.

Hello! Iamawriter here for a review!
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First of all I'm so sorry *hugs* my mother is abusive so I can relate. *wipes tear away* Anyways let's get on with the review.
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I love this. It's just beautiful writing. You're rhyming makes sense with the poem and flows really well! Also, I love that the child chose not to give up! I love that!

Hope to see more from you and keep writing!

This is a good poem about child abuse. I love how instead of the child doing nothing, the child is defying the abuser and slowly wears out . Usually, you don't find that in a lot of Child Abuse related stories or poems. I'm kind of confused about who the abuser is. I know it's not the mom. Is it who used to be the child's loving dad or a step-father? I can't exactly relate to the poem because I (thankfully) haven't been abused, but I've read a lot of stories with the antagonist being abused by a relative or a loved one so I can kind of feel sympathetic for the child. There are a few times when I feel like the rhyming is forced, but I guess it's just me. Besides that, I think this is a great poem.

I hope you continue writing and improve as you write more.

~ mjthesongbird

LifeLovesPoetry,
I think this poem has is good start, but I think there are some changes it could make.
First, I like that it shows different aspects of abuse. Most people think of abuse only as being physically or sexually assaulted, but there's many other forms. So, it's good that you showed neglect (forgetting to feed them), forced labor, and other aspects.

I also like that, for the most part, you made it rhyme without sounding forced. However, I think it's odd that the first line is the only one that doesn't rhyme with another line. It doesn't seem a necessary statement and is a little redundant with the second, so perhaps you could remove it.

Additionally, I agree with TickTock123 about breaking it into verses. When reading it, I thought it would naturally break into verses about every 4 lines.

Perhaps most importantly, I was confused who the abuser was. It's clearly not Mum, because Mum's crying and saying she's dumb, but it doesn't sound like dad either because it says, "Take my dad." Unless, by this you mean Dad is the abuser and he's taken away the dad you knew and been replaced by a Dad you don't. If so, perhaps make that more clear. Of course, the abuser doesn't have to be Mum or Dad, but I'd like it to tell me who's abusing.

As I said, though, this is a good start and I think it only needs minor changes.

That was really meaningful. I really like the rhythm and rhyme in this and how the narrator is defiant of the abuser. When I read books about kids who get beat up at home I don't usually get the feeling that they defy the antagonist, just that they're afraid, so this was a much nicer, fresher way to look at children subjected to abuse. I do sort of disagree with the last line, though. Many kids just like this one are defiant for a while but eventually get the spirit beaten out of them. I've actually met some adults who had probably been beaten in their childhood and took it out on their own kids, so that last line may just apply to the narrator of this story, but a lot of people aren't like that. Thank you for the good read, Lifelovespoetry!

Hi! I absolutely loved your poem! For your first one - this was pretty good.

I think it would be better if you structured it into verses maybe, or rearrange them into different sections - it would help the overall structure and flow (however this is completely personal) I liked the use of comas, you put them in the right place for effective pauses which was good. 1 more thing though - some of your rhyming was a bit off. For example:

"Take my mum and take my dad,

Take my notebooks, make me sad,"

Doesn't work as well as:

"'Forget' to feed us, make us do the work,

Hide from us, don't tell us where you lurk,"

for example. Maybe switch them around.

Apart from those details though, I thought the poem was amazing and I really enjoyed reading it. I think the meaning of what you were trying to convey was the most important thing - and although I can't personally relate, the emotion was clearly expressed and can make any reader empathize. It was excellent. I liked how your second to last line was a question - it made your last line so much for powerful and it had loads of impact - good job. Amazing poem - keep writing
Tick tock

I find this in a very emotional state. This shows pain and yet some sort of determination at the end. I like how it is formatted, really, and how you arrange the words. I would so recommend this. I am sorry for the sadness