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I wish I wasn’t, I wish I was. I wish it didn’t, I wish it did.

by Life8moments


Why do I get so lost in this cold lonely mind, Most of what I'm thinking only comes from mistakes and wasted time.

But it's only at night that haunt me of my past,It never seems to die just forever last

*I thought it'd get easier as i grew old,But Shit got way darker and my heart more cold

*My mom to say the least,I've been trying but i can't seem to find some peace

*She's the one i miss most,just want to know what it's like to feel her close

*I've come to accept,That meeting her caused me unbearable pain and lifelong regret

*I'll never be able to find some closure,Just more embarrassing bullshit i have to hide from exposure

*For what it's all worth,I wish i just died at fucken child birth

*If only people really knew,unshared moments of physical and sex abuse

*It's not like i care anyways,I'm just trying to put those bastards in a grave

*It burns so fucken much,As i hopelessly think of every sick slow touch

*I was just a kid,Who was abused in places the state forced me to live

*I had to endure all this shit,Because Not a single soul believed me that i met


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41 Reviews


Points: 57
Reviews: 41

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Thu Jun 13, 2019 11:26 pm
starryknightt wrote a review...



Hi!

My name is M, and I'm here to ramble about your skills. Let's see...

The story is definitely present, and I quite enjoyed the rhythm you wrote out. The rhyme was such a nice touch; I think it tied things together nicely. Where it could have been just strings of talking and storytelling sentences, the rhyming gave it flow and rhythm, so great job on that!

On the subject of flow... In my opinion, this is crucial to writing a poem (I'm not a professional, so don't blindly take my word on this). You had just enough to keep me going (like I said before with the rhyming) but I do believe that you could have added more. It would have added even just a touch more color to your work. Imagine how much richer it would sound with some vivid metaphors and comparisons. I mean, few people can relate to something as awful as sexual abuse. I don't know if this is based on real experiences or not, so just looking at this from a writer's point of view, I say make the reader not only understand, but feel too. Give your readers a little nudge in the right direction and don't just tell them about the emotions- make them feel them in their hearts.

Anyway, I don't really have anything to critique. This was well-written, and the purpose did it's job.

I can't wait to read more of your art!

-M




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8 Reviews


Points: 520
Reviews: 8

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Wed Jun 12, 2019 2:37 pm
MissDevonshire says...



To begin with I really like the title of the poem. It's quiet long and simple in a way but I love the using of repitition. The title also suits the style of the poem very well. This poem is very dark just as you write.

The language is at times very poetic and at sometimes raw in a way. That combination is good to use in my opinion. It makes it feel more real and yet sound beautiful in its own chillingly dark manner. The thing that you do most skillfully in this poem is to really make the feeling get to you. For me personally the words on the screen and overalll sense of the poem really creeped under my skin with it's content of extremely heavy sentences,stories of awful experiences and emotions. Well written!

The only constructive feedback I have is some grammar. For example to put small letters and a space after the comma, always make the "I" big and in my opinion I think you should consider some puction since your poem is rather a long one. Otherwise everything is great!

Hope you are doing well and good luck with you future writing! :)




User avatar
8 Reviews


Points: 520
Reviews: 8

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Wed Jun 12, 2019 2:36 pm
MissDevonshire wrote a review...



Sorry for this, posted my review twice by mistake and now I don't know how to delete this message hahah





"And the rest is rust and stardust."
— Vladimir Nabokov