Published August 31, 2011
You need to sleep
Although you’re weak
So small your height
Beneath your fright
Today just sleep
Ignore the week
In all your might
You’ve lost the fight
It’s so sweet
To find peace in the mist of chaos
It’s so sweet
To be anew after an end
It’s so sweet
To hold your fiend after they have crossed
It’s so sweet
To call yourself a true dear friend
…even though you’re not
…even though you’re not
Tonight you sigh
And say good-bye
This day shall end
To start again
Tonight you cry
Just end faith’s lie
Your body will sleep
To awake so weak
It’s so sweet
To feel hate in the arms of free love
It’s so sweet
To refuse a crown for your head
It’s so sweet
To be the pusher and the one shoved
It’s so sweet
To name yourself one who is dead
…even though you’re not
…even though you’re not
Your self-esteem
The slowest stream
Take a mind walk
Relax, don’t talk
Listen
You’re beyond hope, perhaps
Easily felt and easily troubling
Slow you go to collapse
Take a mind walk
Take your mind on a long, long walk
Relax, don’t talk
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,539 Literary Works • 673,409 Reviews
Sighhhhhhhhh.
... You know that feeling you get every now and then where you read something and your whole mind just goes silent yet humming with this awesome feeling of comprehension and "Oh my god that makes more sense than i could ever make it make sense" Ok i'm making no sense at all. Anyway I got that awesome feeling with
.. I've never thought of self-esteem as a stream- it blew my mind! Also I'm sitting here, nearly falling asleep thinking- hmmmm this sounds like something i could write to myself. This song is really good to relate to- you get all my unformed and jumbled thoughts and mash them into this beautifully carved shining stone, thats what good writers do. I kind of disagree with the previous reviewer- I think one of the great things about your writing is that it has the maturity to not feel like your rhymes are forced- but hey everyone has their own opinion. Also i liked the repetition of "It's so sweet" it was hypnotic like a lullaby. I love how you gradually brought in the ending withNow i got that out of the way
and
Because by the time it got to the end it was a beautiful conclusion that had been built up to and i was left thinking "sighhhhh" haha anyway...
Damn you- i wasn't going to review but had to! Haha i'm kidding, I like reading your work, although to be honest i don't think you need that much help with it. Having said that, there were two lines that didn't really sink in for me; maybe this one is referring to something i don''t get, but it just doesn't make sense to me. I also kind of got confused by this part It just seemed a bit random. But i loved, loved, loved these lines :
<===== for a second i thought "maybe he meant midst" but i hope not because i like mist much better. I also loved the beginning verse which drew me in... I better stop before i quote the whole song... Keep writing
Very well done! Such a creative and beautiful idea! It kinda reminds me of someone suffering from an anxiety or panic attack! I really the structure of your piece, I have NEVER seen it before! Great title as well!
Today just sleep
Ignore the week
In all your might
You’ve lost the fight
Great stanza! Maybe instead of " In all your might", because it confuses the reader whether the character is trying to use its might to fight or sleep, try " With all your might" or " Despite your might"
Some of your rhymes are a little forced. A way to avoid this is not to get caught up with the syabols in each stanza. This sometimes restrict your options as what words you can use.
It’s so sweet
To find peace in the mist of chaos
It’s so sweet
To be anew after an end
It’s so sweet
To hold your fiend after they have crossed
It’s so sweet
To call yourself a true dear friend
…even though you’re not
…even though you’re not
Incredible! Absolutely stunning work! My only suggestion is maybe not use "It's so sweet" every single time. But use synonym of the word sweet. Then reciprocate it the second stanza similar to this structure. Great ending! Keep up the great writing!