Young Writers Society

This story packs a lot of action and quite a bit of meaning within such a small word count!

I won't go into corrections/grammar/anything like that since others have already left reviews of that nature, so I'll share my own opinion that you did a good job of capturing my attention with a story that is equal parts meaningful and adventurous. I particularly like little paragraph -- "Jack wiped the tears he hadn't noticed in his eyes" stood out a lot to me; I feel like in just a few words here, you've encompassed the fact that Jack is still plagued by the loss of his wife even when he's convinced himself that it's in the past.

Great short story all in all!

Hey, there! This is a nice little piece, and so exciting! Considering your limitation to a certain number of words, it's really imaginative and captivating. The story draws the reader in, and gives enough details to make it exciting without ripping away the sense of shock, awe, and mystery.

I really like how you show Jack as experiencing this memory in the form of flashback. However, I'd move the first italicized words to a new line to show when the actual narration of the flashback starts.

That being said, you've done well in showing that your character is a hero. You also wove in his motivation, which is really key to a good story. One can definitely see that he has dedicated his life to avenging the death of his wife. Too bad your word count limit kept you from telling us how Jack learned to conquer the dragons, because there's kind of an empty space there and then an abrupt ending. Considering what you had to work with, though, it's pretty great. You have an awesome talent.

Hi Liberty!

I think I can help cut some more words down. But, remember, these are merely suggestion.

Suddenly he was back in the woods...

I don't think "suddenly" adds anything to the sentence here. "He was back in the woods..." works just fine. Also, you've already established in the previous paragraph that he is taking a trip down the memory lane. So it's not really happening suddenly.

Out of nowhere, the sky darkened.

How about: Then the sky darkened.

A yucky green dragon swooped down from the now-dark-sky and grabbed Ada in its sharp claws. Ada shrieked; as soon as Jack shouted for help, a red dragon came gliding down, grabbed and threw Jack into the bushes.

I feel like the events in this paragraph needed to be described better. But I understand that you had a length constraint. Considering that you did good here. The "A yucky green dragon swooped down" part was unexpected and had me hooked.

He yelled, ‘Ada!’ from the earthen ground.

I think you can leave out "from the earthen ground" altogether. You have already established in the previous paragraph that he is down on the ground.

The larger dragon...

Neither dragon had previously been described to be the larger dragon. I know that "let go of Ada" implies that it's the yucky green dragon that's larger, but I read that part after already having gone back to the previous paragraphs to scan for a mention. I think "The green dragon" works better, as it creates a clearer visual. Either dragon being larger also doesn't seem to add to the story.

The red dragon flew right underneath Ada, hardening her landing with its scales.

I thought the dragon was trying to save her. Or was he? Cool subversion of expectation there.

Jack, sobbing, dropped to his knees helplessly.

"Sobbing" and "dropped to his knees" gets the message across that he feels helpless. So maybe you can leave out "helplessly."


I think the suggested changes will give you some more words to use. See if you can take advantage of that.

The story was good for what it was. The dragons are interesting. At first I thought these are two dragons in conflict or two dragons that are out hunting. But in the end, it seems like they may as well be children who are just "playing" and aren't aware of the consequences of their actions. So, you can't exactly hate them. At the same time, you can imagine what Jack is feeling in that situation. He doesn't swear vengeance, he doesn't try to fight, he doesn't run. He's just.. helpless. I think you can build on this concept. Maybe he has a conversation in his deathbed with those two dragons (now grown up). Or maybe something just as terrible happened to those two dragons later on (because of the same lack of awareness of consequences) and Jack isn't sure how to feel about that. You have a concept that you can build on, if you choose to do so.

Aaaaaaaaand that's the review. Excelsior!

~MAS

Hi Liberty! Niteowl here to leave a quick review.

Ugh, assignments with word limits are the worst. Like for this Holiday Writing contest, I had to keep mine to 1000 words which involved a LOT of slicing and dicing. It would also be helpful to know the parameters of the assignment, as I don't want to suggest changes that would contradict the purpose of the assignment.

For starters, I'm not sure framing this as a flashback from Jack's deathbed is a great idea. It would only work if you were able to come back to his deathbed at the end of the scene, which you really can't with the current word limit. However, if the purpose of this is to make a flashback, then obviously I would keep it, but still find a way to slash words so you can come back to the present day at the end.

Okay, now let's look at how to cut out words and strengthen the ones you have.

Old Jack was on his deathbed, thinking of Ada’s – his wife’s – death.

Suddenly he was back in the woods, strolling along the beautiful trail, Ada’s hand in his. Out of nowhere, the sky darkened.

A yucky green dragon swooped down from the now-dark-sky and grabbed Ada in its sharp claws.

Ada shrieked; as soon as Jack shouted for help, a red dragon came gliding down, grabbed and threw Jack into the bushes.

He yelled, ‘Ada!’ from the earthen ground.

The larger dragon, flying high above, let go of Ada, and all Jack could do was cry and shout. The red dragon flew right underneath Ada, hardening her landing with its scales.