Young Writers Society

Hi. Here to review

First off can definitely relate. I really hate when people complain about their parents, especially bc they don’t even see how much they have. Yeah very frustrating. My parents divorced when I was 7, after my mom “left.” So I totally understand where this came from.

Also if this is actually true and your mom does have cancer, then I’m sorry. I’ve never had a family member with cancer but I’ve lost quite a few so... Hang in there.

So Yeah, as frustrating as ungrateful people can be it’s kinda hard to see the good when all you ever have is good. Because if everything’s good, then nothings good. Idk if that makes sense but... You truly never know how good you have it until you lose something and then it all goes downhill.

Anyway, the only critique I really have is maybe add some more description as to what the girls looked like. I know that’s not the main focus of this, but I feel I’d be able to visualize it better.

And idk abt advice. I have a friend like this, he complains abt everything. Yet he has 2 loving parents, tons of amazing friends, he’s popular, and has a nice house.

So yeah, signing out 😄

-Daria

Hey, there. This story makes a really good point that many of us could definitely afford to ponder. I'm glad you've taken on the task of illustrating that point.

I noticed a few things that could stand to be polished up. First of all, one thing I have pointed out in several people's writing is the correct use of punctuation to end quotations. So take this sentence for example:
"You know I didn't mean it that way." Petunia said quickly.
I'd just point out that whenever a quotation is followed by explanatory material, such as "she said," etc., the quotation should close with a comma. Unless, of course, the words between the quotation marks are a question, in which case the quotation would obviously close with a question mark. These kinds of things don't detract from the meaning of what's written, it's just sort of a pet peeve of mine because I notice a lot of grammatical and punctuation things. So just keep an eye out for stuff like that.

This sentence could also use some polishing up:
"It was Tabitha. The three year old girl who stole my lip balm, and my phone once."
This should probably not be two sentences. It should ideally read more like this:
"It was Tabitha, the three-year-old girl who stole my lip balm and my phone once."
The way it was originally written makes the second sentence an incomplete one.

Overall the issues I saw were basically minor and easily fixable. Maybe some of them were just typos - those dreadful things. But like I said, I admire your taking on this topic. You're a talented writer. Keep it up! Who knows but that you'll make a huge difference someday by addressing topics like this.