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by Liberty


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11 Reviews


Points: 369
Reviews: 11

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Thu Dec 12, 2019 11:02 pm
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ReeN_beNa says...



I love this script, i'm in love with it especially the ending. lol it reminds me of when i try to to strike a deal with my parents knowing I will not win though.
Gee how did you write such an amazing piece?




Liberty says...


Aww, thank you so much! I'm going to make an updated version of this - much better, I promise. ;) If you want, I could notify you as soon as it's out!



ReeN_beNa says...


sure



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130 Reviews


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Reviews: 130

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Sat Nov 23, 2019 5:18 pm
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Anma wrote a review...



OMG SO TRUE THOUGH

Hi Liberty! Long time no see.

This is the funniest thing I've red in a while. And the fact I can relate to it and im almost 16 is (funny but not at the same time) I don't see any mistakes as far as I could tell. But I mean I kind of skitted through it without paying attention to punctuation and stuff. SO SORRY, but its good, I like it and you should write more.

Keep up the good work

Sincerely your friend
Anma




Liberty says...


ANMA IT'S BEEN SO LONG WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN

OMG IT'S YOUUU

Thanks for the review, by the way!! <33



Anma says...


No problem



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37 Reviews


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Reviews: 37

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Thu Nov 21, 2019 11:50 pm
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Raelyn wrote a review...



Review. So as a theatre gal my first way to analyze this is to imagine playing either of these characters. I must it would be a lot of fun. It isn't too long but it also really makes a connection between these two characters which personally I really like. You can really feel out both of the perceptive. though being a child in the 20th century with overprotective parents I really just agree with the kid. This has some real substance as to what would happen in real life. YES, GUYS PARENTS REALLY ARE THE CRAZY. Sorry lost myself for a second. Anyhoo I like the use of body set up here. The one thing I would suggest is in short little piece like this usually you'd give a description of the characters playing. Overall good job lib, like I, said so proud!!




Liberty says...


Thank you for the review!! (:



Raelyn says...


the honor is mine



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Points: 325
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Wed Nov 20, 2019 9:56 pm
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RavenQuiteCraven wrote a review...



Heya! Here to review your piece. I like the concept for this short, I think everyone has felt like their parents are overprotective on time or another, and you could definitely get a lot of humor out of that.

First off, I do like the way Alexa and her mom interact. They way they address each other feels natural and the dialogue is smooth and clean.

The only real problem I have is why the mother would be so protective. I'd understand if Alexa was five or so, but it seems weird for the mother to be so protective when Alexa is ten. Most parents are OK with their kids sleeping over at a friend's house once their kid is at that age. Perhaps you could age Alexa down a bit, or give a more legitimate reason for the mother to be protective? Maybe one of the houses in their neighborhood was robbed recently, or she doesn't know Alexa's friend or her parents too well and she's a little nervous to leave her daughter at their house. I'm just throwing out alternate ideas because right now I'm getting some irrationally-overprotective-mom vibes, and if you want each argument to hold weight like they do in real life you need a reasonable argument on both sides. Of course, you might not want Alexa to be too young for a fairly reasonable argument to be weird on her part.

One more thing:
It's interesting that you wrote this in a script format. Was this meant to be for a small short film? If so, that's very smart - you've got a complete plot there, with rising tension, climax and a neat ending that could be filmed very easily. If not, that's an interesting format to write in.
That's all, I hope it was helpful!




Liberty says...


This was actually an assignment I had to do! I'm glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for the review! :)



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Wed Nov 20, 2019 2:14 pm
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niteowl wrote a review...



Hi there, Liberty! Niteowl here to review this script.

Overall, this is cute and I think it's funny to write about the tension between kids who want to grow up and do their own thing and overprotective parents. There's definitely a lot of potential for humor there.

That said, there's some parts that seem odd to me.The first sleepover I remember going to was a friend's 6th birthday. Clearly my parents weren't the only ones okay with having their 5-6 year olds at the sleepover, so it seems very odd that this mom has a problem with it at eleven. Also, no one actually sleeps at a sleepover lol. Surely the mom would know that, even if the kid doesn't realize it. And I guarantee that Mrs. Rider would find the whole idea of a parent "co-chaperoning" really strange.

So there's a couple possibilities:
1) Age down the protagonist a bit. The parent of a six or seven year old might naturally feel more hesitant about allowing sleepovers.
2) Make it a little more obvious why the mom is worried. From an old person's perspective (seriously, I am technically old enough to be the parent in this script), I'd say the biggest red flag in this scenario is that the mom does not know the other mom. If I'm going to let my hypothetical child spend the night somewhere, I would definitely want to know more about the parents and the house itself to see if they're trustworthy. But then, the mom probably doesn't want to freak out the kid, so I'm not sure how to work this in the script in a way that's still funny.
3) It might be more funny to flip the scene entirely. Maybe Alexa sees some kids on the TV having a sleepover and decides she wants to have one herself. Her mom says okay, but then the kid wants to do something ridiculous like skydiving at midnight. She continues coming up with ridiculous ideas, but somehow the mom manages to rein her in to doing something more typical. Or maybe the mom says yes, but comes up with strange/silly rules that make the kid change her mind.

Overall, there's a lot to play with on the concept of preteen rebellion and overprotective parents, but I'd think there might be more realistic ways to work with that idea. Keep writing! :D




Liberty says...


Thanks for the review! I appreciate it; I shall be making edits soon. :)



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37 Reviews


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Wed Nov 20, 2019 2:22 am
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Raelyn says...



Amazing! I will write a review when I got more time:)




Liberty says...


Alright!




"Cowards die many times before their deaths; but the valiant will never taste of death but once."
— Julius Caesar