Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Halfway point!!! Also damn this race is heating up.

First Impression: And just when I thought this couldn't get any more complicated you prove me wrong. But fear not for I love complicated plots.

Okay, getting right to it,

“Are we there yet?” Audrey asked Ujalaa. She shook her head no. “Why don’t you talk? Are you not allowed to?” Ujalaa looked at Audrey with raised brows. That kept her quiet.

To the right was a huge bed - bigger than a king-sized one - with silk sheets and a gold-embroidered blanket that looked softer than a fluffy kitten. There were dozens of plush pillows all embroidered with gold as well. The headboard was made of oak wood too, and there were intricate carvings on it.

Audrey walked forward and touched the wood, dancing her index finger along the curves of each design.

Will went the opposite way, to the dresser. That, as well, was made of oak wood. There were three drawers, and each of them had carvings on them too. And when Will opened the first one, it was full of perfumes, creams, brushes, et cetera. He closed it and looked into the second one. Full of clothes. Next one? Clothes.

“There’s a closet right there. I checked it out. Walk-in.” Audrey smiled brightly. “It’s great, and all our clothes are there too!” She led him into the walk-in closet and his eyes widened.

“Neat.” he said coolly, running his hands through the hung-up clothes.

“I’m so happy!” Audrey laughed, throwing her hands around Will’s neck, and planting a kiss on his cheek. “I’m alive, we’re under a roof, and I’m with you.”

Will was shocked at first because it was rare for Audrey to hug and kiss. But he smiled anyway and hugged her back. They stayed like that for a while, enjoying each other’s company before they left the closet.

“What now?” Will asked.

“There’s a bathroom there.” she pointed behind her. “We can freshen up, find food and then sleep for a while. Even saying the word feels so relaxing.”

Will gave her a peck on her cheek. "Love you." he whispered.

"I don't like being so cheesy." Audrey mocked her husband's voice.

They laughed.

When Will saw their hands brush together and Audrey smile, he felt a strong burning in his chest. He shoved his hand in between theirs and snatched up air. Following Audrey’s actions, he bit into the air over his hand and tasted… Everything you would taste in an English Breakfast mixed together. Will grabbed more air and continued eating. And he didn’t care how dumb he looked.

On the other hand, Audrey had tasted lobster with the perfect amount of heat and spices. She licked her lips and grinned at Akol who was watching the couple. Audrey felt uncomfortable under his piercing gray gaze but she continued eating anyway.

“It’ll make sense. It’ll come in your dreams. It won’t be scary, but it’ll be like an explanation to whatever is in Pluto.” Akol explained.

Audrey squeezed Will’s hand from under the table. They were both thinking the same thing: No parents.

Audrey's heart skipped a beat.

But neither of them said anything and silently continued with their dinner.

Okay. I loved the glee the chapter started with. What I liked most was Ujalaa's impressions and reactions to the things the couple (mostly Will) did. It added a comical effect and brightened up the mood (It's also VERY CUTE).

I continue to love how you don't miss a single thing about "couple-behaviour", add every necessary detail and progress with the story at a steady pace.

I also like how there's a few comical scenes in between all the fussing and cussing and concept introducing(Shoot me, cause I suck at saying things in general).

For example,

"So you’re saying: if I put my hand in the bowl, and grab air, and then bite into air, I’ll taste my favorite food?” Audrey said, talking incredibly slowly.--"
"If you say it like that it just sounds dumb but just try."

I'm hope you get what I mean by that. It's just great that you're great at knowing when to place what - as in effects.

They’re just called slaves. They aren’t exactly slaves though. I guess you could say that they’re like our minion helpers.

Hi Liberty!

It's been a LONG time since I reviewed chapter 7. I kind of went AWOL for a bit. I see you've writing a lot in the meanwhile. Will do my best to catch up.

“So you’re saying: if I put my hand in the bowl, and grab air, and then bite into air, I’ll taste my favorite food?” Audrey said, talking incredibly slowly.

“If you say it like that it just sounds dumb but just try.” Akol said, his head in his hands.

“There’s a lot that will be coming at you when you help save Pluto,” he said and scratched the back of his neck.

You know the drill, a gem stone here to give her useless thoughts on your novel *Jazz hands*

who were walking about.

Who is unneeded, were walking about is better for the flow.

“Are we there yet?” Audrey asked Ujalaa. She shook her head no. “Why don’t you talk? Are you not allowed to?” Ujalaa looked at Audrey with raised brows. That kept her quiet.

Alright, so Audrey seems like a pretty demanding person, but asking someone why they don;t talk is a bit rude, yeah? Maybe have her wonder why in her head, but saying it aloud is just kinda making me face-palm.

Ujalaa face-palmed.

mood. I don’t have much of a guage yet on Ujalaa’s persona, maybe her movements could be more detailed. Is she a dive in the way she struts, or shy, because she keeps her head down. Little things make all the difference, Libs.

To the right was a huge bed - bigger than a king-sized one - with silk sheets and a gold-embroidered blanket that looked softer than a fluffy kitten. There were dozens of plush pillows all embroidered with gold as well. The headboard was made of oak wood too, and there were intricate carvings on it.

No complaints, just a congrats on how well you described this. One thing, I know, I know, just if you go to the trouble of describing such a bed, do the walls, the color, the windows, what could be seen, the floor, wood or carpet, the painting, etc. You do the dresser next, I know, but it feels lackluster.

Audrey walked forward and touched the wood, dancing her index finger along the curves of each design.

O.o I’ve never heard of anyone dancing their fingers, traced or followed, may be a better description. I’m imagining her finger moving back and forth very quickly and unnaturally here XD.


“No clue.” Audrey muttered.“Let’s forget it for now.” Will sighed. “I feel sleepy.”

How can you sleep after just being knocked out, kidnapped, taken to another planet, and there may be a loose kid running around. Don’t trust her!

“I’m so happy!” Audrey laughed, throwing her hands around Will’s neck, and planting a kiss on his cheek. “I’m alive, we’re under a roof, and I’m with you.”

I mean, it makes sense why she’s happy, but is that the best word for it? Grateful, relieved, comforted. But happy is a stretch for someone who has literally been through hell.I won’t stop the puns.


“So you’re saying: if I put my hand in the bowl, and grab air, and then bite into air, I’ll taste my favorite food?” Audrey said, talking incredibly slowly.

Yes, magic, the one word answer to every question. But have you developed a magic system, rules, how it can be used. A proper story-line as to how they got their powers? When they don’t work, and how do the spells function?


mAgIc.


“How about we try?” Audrey asked.

Does it have nutritional value? My favorite food is cookies so this would not go well for me…
Also, I love the thought of someone eating air, it makes me giggle.

“It’ll make sense. It’ll come in your dreams. It won’t be scary, but it’ll be like an explanation to whatever is in Pluto.” Akol explained.

Explanation or exploration?
Audrey's heart skipped a beat.

Oh no, a tear in the myocardium! She’s having premature vascular contractions. No, but, seriously, that’s dark. And sad. I like it!

But neither of them said anything and silently continued with their dinner.

Again with the endings, you’re very good at them.

OVERALL: Again, the reactions and flow is off, but I keep harping on about that, so I’ll stop. I have no real things to mention, just a good job. I’ll see you in the next chapter after a cookie break!

Jade

It's taken me far too long to get around to reviewing your novel, but I'm finally here to comment on all of the chapters I've missed!

So let's get to it.

They continued walking, and finally, they stopped at the end of the hallway, facing two large oak doors with handles made of horns. Will stared at the horns. “These are mammoth horns.” he told Audrey, clutching her wrist. “Literally and not literally.”

“Do you need help?” Will asked. Ujalaa nodded. After a bit of pushing, Will and Ujalaa succeeded. The little girl grinned, showing her little teeth lined perfectly.

“I’m so happy!” Audrey laughed, throwing her hands around Will’s neck, and planting a kiss on his cheek. “I’m alive, we’re under a roof, and I’m with you.”

“So you’re saying: if I put my hand in the bowl, and grab air, and then bite into air, I’ll taste my favorite food?” Audrey said, talking incredibly slowly.

They were now in the high-ceilinged dining hall. It seemed as if most of the furniture in the palace was made of oak wood - for example the twelve foot long dining table and its two dozen cushioned chairs.

Following Audrey’s actions, he bit into the air over his hand and tasted… Everything you would taste in an English Breakfast mixed together. Will grabbed more air and continued eating. And he didn’t care how dumb he looked.

On the other hand, Audrey had tasted lobster with the perfect amount of heat and spices.

“She’s a Human Slave. Children who live in the Realm of the Souls but their parents die before the child is born… then those children come here, to the Ditch and work for us. They’re just called slaves. They aren’t exactly slaves though. I guess you could say that they’re like our minion helpers.” Akol explained, surprisingly patient.

minion helpers

Audrey squeezed Will’s hand from under the table. They were both thinking the same thing: No parents.

Audrey's heart skipped a beat.

Hello, I'm finally reviewing this chapter!

It looked as if everything but the Devils and slaves - they were all kids who looked around the age of Ujalaa - who were walking about.

Hey Lib! Here for another review day review. On my phone - sorry in advance for any typos!

So, last chapter I talked about description - BUT I really enjoyed the description of Audrey and Will’s room and of the luscious oak wood dining hall. Really beautiful. I’m still wondering though what the context of this palace is... is it in the middle of a vast field or is it near a village or...? We’re still exploring the world, but it is something I’m curious about for the future.

Will is super jelly of Aud. I wonder if there’s going to be a love triangle down the road? Or maybe Will’s jealousy will bit him in the butt. Great dynamic tho!

Following Audrey’s actions, he bit into the air over his hand and tasted… Everything you would taste in an English Breakfast mixed together. Will grabbed more air and continued eating. And he didn’t care how dumb he looked.

Hello!
This is a really neat story. I’d say your biggest strength here is that you write really vivid descriptions for example--

"To the right was a huge bed - bigger than a king-sized one - with silk sheets and a gold-embroidered blanket that looked softer than a fluffy kitten. "

Nice use of the metaphor and so much description so I can see it clearly and I know exactly what you're talking about.

This place is really cool it's like a suite just meant for the couple. I really love your characters and I am waiting for the next chapter heatedly!

I hope you keep up the good work!

Hey!

Finally we are going inside the palace. I like how you wrote about Ujalaa's expressions. Even though she can't speak. Still she seems to sweet and innocent.

To the right was a huge bed - bigger than a king-sized one - with silk sheets and a gold-embroidered blanket that looked softer than a fluffy kitten. There were dozens of plush pillows all embroidered with gold as well. The headboard was made of oak wood too, and there were intricate carvings on it.
Will went the opposite way, to the dresser. That, as well, was made of oak wood. There were three drawers, and each of them had carvings on them too. And when Will opened the first one, it was full of perfumes, creams, brushes, et cetera. He closed it and looked into the second one. Full of clothes. Next one? Clothes.

"I don't like being so cheesy." Audrey mocked her husband's voice.

When Will saw their hands brush together and Audrey smile, he felt a strong burning in his chest. He shoved his hand in between theirs and snatched up air.

“There’s a lot that will be coming at you when you help save Pluto,”

“She’s a Human Slave. Children who live in the Realm of the Souls but their parents die before the child is born… then those children come here, to the Ditch and work for us. They’re just called slaves. They aren’t exactly slaves though. I guess you could say that they’re like our minion helpers.”

Keep Writing