The sky was the color of the ocean: a deep, penetrating blue with a few clouds to act as breaking waves. A cool breeze blew through the air, sending a few leaves tumbling from the oak into the middle of the park. As they floated through the air, a little girl watched, wide-eyed. She stood up and ran over to them, trying to grasp them in her chubby fist. As much as she tried, they kept on slipping away, wafting through the air until they hit the ground.
The girl stared at them a moment before walking away, leaving them lying red and orange against the neatly cut grass. Her mother was watching a short ways away, sitting under another large oak, and she opened her arms for a hug as the girl returned. They settled into an embrace, the mother smiling.
“Come on,” she said as they separated. “Let’s get you some lunch.”
At the base of the tree they were sitting at the mother had placed a picnic basket, built especially for days like these. The mother reached into it and, her daughter closely watching, brought out a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. “Here you go,” she said, holding it out. The little girl grabbed it and took a huge bite, smearing peanut butter on her lips.
“Now, what do you say?” the mother asked, folding her arms.
“Thank you, Mommy,” said the girl, her mouth still full of sandwich.
“That’s right.” Her mother took out a sandwich of her own. They sat there for a moment, just eating their sandwiches. The little girl got jelly and peanut butter all over her face, but her mother didn’t give her a napkin. She just noted it and smiled, amused at her daughter’s messiness.
Another breeze blew through the park, ruffling the little girl’s dress. Suddenly, a little bird flew down off the breeze, landing only a few feet away from the girl and her mother.
The girl gasped. “A bird!” she said, tugging at her mother’s shirt sleeve. “Look, Mommy, a bird!”
The mother had already seen it. “Wow, a bird!” she said, widening her eyes. “That’s awesome!”
The bird had seen them, but it didn’t care too much. Enough people came to the park that the bird was, to a degree, used to it. It pecked at the ground, trying to catch any tasty morsel left by past picnickers.
The little girl looked at the bird, then at her sandwich. The day was warm, cooled only by the occasional breeze, and the peanut butter was on the verge of melting onto her hands. The sandwich was already half gone, and the girl leaned down to take another bite out of it, when suddenly an idea hit her. She gasped again.
“Mommy! Mommy!” She tugged at her mother’s shirt sleeve again. “Can I, can I feed the bird?”
The mother smiled, but she shook her head. “Let’s not, okay sweetie?” she said, leaning over to meet her daughter eye to eye. “Not today, okay?”
The girl pouted. “Why not?”
The mother sighed. “Because we can’t. We need to leave the nice bird alone, okay?” She poked the girl in the stomach playfully. “Go ahead, eat your sandwich.” She took a big bite out of hers, savoring it. It was quite a good sandwich, she thought.
“I’m going to get some water from the basket, okay?” the mother said, turning to reach it.
“Okay,” said the little girl, nodding her head obediently. But as soon as her mother’s back was turned, she looked over at the bird again, still pecking at the ground. The girl squinted at it. For a second, the bird looked up and met her eyes. The girl stared back. It looked hungry to her.
As carefully as she could, she ripped a piece of bread off of her sandwich, not minding the peanut butter and jelly that smeared on her fingers. Quickly, she tossed the bread to the bird. It landed on the grass a few inches away, peanut butter still stuck to its surface.
The bird looked over at the bread curiously. With quick, lively movements, it hopped over to it, and with a jerk of its head, picked it up in its beak. In a few seconds it had swallowed it. Looking up, the bird’s eyes found the eyes of the little girl, wide and excited, and the sandwich in her hand. It took a few steps towards her.
The mother by now had turned back around, and saw the bird hopping towards her daughter. It tilted its head expectantly, and the little girl tilted her head in response. The bird let out a plaintive chirp and hopped a few inches closer.
“Hello, birdie.” The girl reached a peanut-buttery hand out towards it. In an instant her arm was pulled back by her mother.
“Let’s not touch the bird, okay?” The mother still had an easy smile on her face. “You can look at it, but let’s not touch it.”
The little girl nodded again, but the next moment, as her mother was taking a long sip of water, she had torn off another piece of her sandwich and was offering it to the bird on her hand. The bird hopped a bit closer, but not quite close enough to take it.
After a few moments, the little girl let go of the bread and dropped it on the ground. That way, she thought, he’ll eat it. And sure enough, the bird hopped forward, beak open to receive its new snack.
Suddenly a hand swooped in front of the girl and snatched up the bread from the ground. The little girl spun around to see her mother holding it, a disapproving frown on her face.
“What did I say?” the mother said, sternness just barely hardening her voice.
The girl looked down at the ground. “Mommy, please can’t I feed the bird?” She looked up, her lips once again in a pout. “He looks so hungry...”
“I said no.” Her mother shook her head firmly. “Okay? That bird can find his own food. You don’t need to give it to him.”
The bird, once again pecking at the ground, passively observed.
The little girl was not giving up. “He looks hungry. Maybe he--maybe he needs food now!”
The mother shook her head, reaching over to put her water bottle back into the picnic basket. “We’re not giving the food to him.”
“Why not?!” the girl said, her voice rising, her eyes filling with angry tears. “Why not, Mommy? Why not?!”
“Because I said so!” the mother said, her voice cutting through the air. The little girl went silent. Two little tears ran down her cheeks from each eye. The mother looked down, regretful.
“I’m sorry, Naomi,” she said, speaking in a much softer tone. “You’re not in trouble, okay?” She tilted her daughter’s chin up, getting jelly on her fingers. “I’m sorry.”
The little girl looked up at her mother, eyes big and watery. Without a word, she leaned over and hugged her mother.
“I’m sorry too, Mommy,” the muffled reply came.
The mother leaned into the hug too, not caring for the moment that there was peanut butter and jelly all over her daughter’s hand and face. A breeze blew through the air once again, sweeping the mother’s hair slightly to one side.
The peanut butter and jelly sandwich lay on the ground, where the little girl had left it. Ignoring it, the bird flew away with the breeze, letting it take it wherever it wanted to go. It flew away until it was but another speck in the ocean-blue sky.
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125,010 Literary Works • 672,839 Reviews
Hi there!
Hkumar here for a short review. It was really a sweet and interesting story. You had created a beautiful and lively ambience with your words. The imagery was great. You compared the sky with blue ocean both in the starting as well as ending of the story and I found it lovely.
I think you missed something after 'on'.
You displayed the childish innocence of the little girl very well. She wasn't willing to give up the thought of feeding the bird. Her intentions were pure but I guess the mother didn't want her to disturb the bird's natural behaviour of obtaining her own food. There was simplicity in the entire story yet it kept me engaged all the time. The last stanza had such beautiful words especially this one
I really liked it. The entire time I was picturing the whole scene in my mind, so that there was a proof of an amazing work of a writer.
Overall it was a very nice and intriguing piece. Great work!
Keep writing
Thank you, really! I'm glad you liked it. Just a quickie question: I kept the character descriptions vague so that everyone could fill it in with their own mind's image, so I want to know: when you read the story, how did you picture the appearance of the mother and her daughter?
It will sound weird but I had pictured Emily Blunt (maybe cause I was watching Quiet Place the other day and I have a habit of associating novel characters with movie stars) Long dark brown hair and her blue eyes <3 The daughter had her mother's eyes and golden hair with two pretty pony tails and a broad smile. I had imagined them to be under a huge honeylocust tree with spring golden foliage around (Probably because I have these trees around my house)
Well I have a habit of imagining a lot so if it sounds a bit silly then I am really sorry
No, not silly at all! It%u2019s cool to see what other people put in in place of descriptions. It%u2019s neat that you thought of that. It sounds really pretty. Thanks for telling me.
What I really like about this short story is how simple and down-to-earth it is. It doesn't have a specific message its trying to convey. (at least not in a preachy or overbearing way) and it feels very natural and realistic, or at least relatable. I wasn't checking for grammar really and the like, but just wanted to say i enjoyed it, and good work.
Thank you, really!
You really have a profoundly substantial writing style. I love it!
"The sky was the color of the ocean: a deep, penetrating blue with a few clouds to act as breaking waves. A cool breeze blew through the air, sending a few leaves tumbling from the oak in the middle of the park. As they floated through the air, a little girl watched, wide-eyed. She stood up and ran over to them, trying to grasp them in her chubby fist. As much as she tried, they kept on slipping away, wafting through the air until they hit the ground."
This was a wonderful opening. Imagery always brings more life to fiction, and when you add the innocence of a little girl, it becomes even more lively. Your imagery was picturesque throughout the story, Lia. Great JOB!
"The little girl took it and took a huge bite, smearing peanut butter on her lips."
Using two 'took's in the same sentence reads a little awkward. You can reword this if you want.
“That’s right.” Her mother took out a sandwich of her own.
Shouldn't it be 'for her own' or 'for herself'?
The temperature was warm, cooled only by the occasional breeze, and the peanut butter was on the verge of melting onto her hands.
I think you could simply say 'It was warm' or 'The atmosphere' was warm. "Temperature" sounds too technical to me.
I love the way you mention the girl's face and cheeks and lips getting smeared with butter every now and then. It's a small detail, but it shows the innocence of a little one so nicely.
The bird let out a plantitive chirp and hopped a few inches closer.
I looked up 'plantitive' on the Internet, and found no such word. I think you meant to write a different word here.
“Let’s not touch the bird, okay?” The mother still had an easy smile on her face. “You can look at it, but let’s not touch it. Okay?”
The 'okay?' seems a little too repetitive. I suggest you take off any of the 'okay's in this part.
“You’re not in trouble, okay?” She tilted her daughter’s chin up, getting jelly on her fingers. “I’m sorry, okay?”
Once again, too many 'okay's!
Like I said, I very much enjoyed reading this story. It was a well-wriiten literary fiction that tries to give meaning to a small mundane incident. It was a very good read for me. But I'd also suggest you to think if you can add more here. Maybe some kind of philosophy that the characers learn through this incident. Because some readers, after reading this, might wonder, did something really happen? I'm ok with the mundaneness of the story (by mundane, I mean it's the kind of story that deals with day-to-day happening rather than a great plot-twist or smething like that), but others might not. They might be looking for some kind 'important stuff' to happen.
That said, I totally love this story for the imagery and your lovely words and also the mundaneness. Because real life is more mundane than it is exciting.
KEEP WRITING AND AMUSING ME, LIA.
Thank you for your review, really! Thanks for all of your advice. I will definitely be following most of it. It was a rough draft I muddled through in about an hour, so of course there are many mistakes, but I'm glad you seem to like it. Thank you for this!
You're most welcome, Lia.
The way you write provides a lot of imagery yet isn't so descriptive and lengthy that it becomes too much to handle. It's quite precise and clean-cut. What I would like to mention is that you did add in too many commas in some parts.
"The girl stared at them a moment before walking away, leaving them untouched, red and orange against the green, neatly cut grass."
There are three commas in this sentence and I think it would sound better if you split up the two sentences instead. Such as: The girl stared at them a moment before walking away, leaving them untouched. The red and orange leaves were left on the green, neatly cut grass.
Just be careful not to use only commas as linking words and leave out others like as or and.
"sending a few leaves tumbling from the oak in the middle of the park."
*into the middle
"Her mother was watching a short ways away, sitting under another large oak, and she opened her arms for a hug as the girl returned. "
You can prevent the sentence from being too long by combining the two first parts and leaving out some words: Her mother watched a short ways away under a large oak, and she opened her arms for a hug as the girl returned.
"Enough people came to the park that the bird was, to a degree, used to it."
You can switch around the placement of the words just so that you don't have to use as many commas: To a degree, the bird was fairly used to it since many people came to the park.
"And sure enough, the bird hopped forward, beak open to receive its new snack."
Same issue as before, too many commas. 'Sure enough, the bird hopped forward with a beak open to receive its new snack.'
"“Why not?!” the girl said, her voice rising, her eyes filling with angry tears. “Why not, Mommy? Why not?!”
“Because I said so!” the mother said, her voice cutting through the air. The little girl went silent. Two little tears ran down her cheeks from each eye. The mother looked down, regretful."
I was surprised myself for this scene to actually seem like a shocking climax in a story when really it's just a mom reprimanding her daughter. The way you write from the girl's perspective makes it seem much more dramatic than it probably really is, which is great.
The ending of it leaves me with a good question. The bird ignores the rest of the sandwich dropped on the ground and leaves it, even though it seemed like it really wanted it before. The last sentence is calming. It almost sounds ridiculous, but it makes me wonder what type of things the bird is up to now and where it's gone to. I pictured the mother and daughter as having blonde hair, and the scene in general was very easy to imagine which is great.
Thank you for all of your advice! You're right as I look back on it... way too many commas. I'll definitely take your grammatical criticisms. It seems like you... like the story? If you do, thank you! And thanks for the review.
Also, do you know how to do the quote thing? Because if not, I can tell you.
Yes I do like it! And I don't know how to, that would be awesome if you'd let me know because I've seen others do it and just don't know how.
Cool! The quote thing is a tiny little coding thing. You just type [quote][/quote ] without that space and put the quote you want in the middle.