A Map for Your Reference <3

Chapter 1: Havenlight
🇹🇭🇪 🇨🇪🇳🇹🇷🇦🇱 🇵🇦🇻🇮🇱🇮🇴🇳, 🇱🇺🇲🇮🇳🇦🇷🇾 🇭🇦🇱🇱
Long before Auralynne Caeloraen was born, the people of Prisma learned that magic alone could not be trusted unless it was controlled. So, they took crystals from the planet's core--opal, quartz, citrine, moonstone -- and bound them into children's skin before they even knew their own name.
What they forget to tell you is that they were all shaped by it. Sometimes for better, most of the time for worse. Aura liked to think she was one of the lucky ones.
The morning the High Council condemned her guild, Auralynne hadn't eaten breakfast. The banners of every guild in Prisma swayed proudly. She recognized some of the Champion's names engraved on the walls: Riven Hamilton, Selaria Veylin, Torik West. Her town's Guild Banner, Guild Lowwen, was also here, its banner of soft blue -- complemented by all the others': dark red, misty green, slate gray.
"You're pale," Brennan murmured beside her. Her mentor, childhood best friend, and the closest thing her guild had to a steady hand, "Deep breaths, Auri. The Council isn't even looking at us."
"Exactly," she whispered, "that's what's worrying me."
Guilds only vanished in one of two ways: through scandal… or through convenience. And the Council conveniently never explained the difference. Auralynne glanced across the Hall. The Councilors sat on their raised platforms -- the Twelve Sigils glowing above them. Their expressions were smoothed into passiveness, almost as if they wanted to come right out with it, but couldn't.
Except Councilor Merevan.
He watched Guild Lowwen with an anticipatory smile. The amplification wards around the chamber vibrated, and the sound quieted thousands of murmuring voices in an instant. Councilor Merevan stood.
"Guild Lowwen," he began, "is hereby charged with treason against Prisma."
The Hall erupted.
Gasps. Outcries. Auralynne felt the world tilt sharply. Brennan swore under his breath. The rest of her guild went completely silent, their faces turning pale as they heard the verdict.
Treason.
"By decree of the High Council," he continued, "The Vibrance are stripped of status, stripped of protections, and stripped of representation. Unless--"
The hall quieted again.
"Your guild invokes the ancient rite of contest."
The Luminous Trials.
Aura glanced around herself. She forgot that it was even an option.
"I'll go!" she blurted. The whole hall quieted even more, and her guildmates looked at her with wide, open eyes. Brennan, panicked, raised his hand as well.
"I will go as well!"
What the hell is he doing? Aura knew why she volunteered. She was tired of being overlooked. Being a scribe meant she'd stay locked away for millennia, sanctioned to study crypts and ancient texts. She wanted more for herself, and by winning the Luminous Trials, she could get it. What she couldn't wrap her mind around was Brennan joining her. Brennan's stubbornness and need to protect at all times grew repetitive and tiring to Aura. She knew that he wouldn't put himself first out there, only her.
Aura wouldn't forgive herself if something happened to him on her own accord. They'd been friends since Auralynne learned how to speak, and she couldn’t remember a moment without him. When he was sent to serve The Council for three years, she was beyond lonely. Even though he wouldn't talk about it, she knew it had changed him.
When the crowd dispersed, after her Guild Leader signed the necessary paperwork, Auralynne was already halfway out the doors. She barely registered Brennan falling into step beside her until he reached out, gently catching her elbow.
"Auri--stop."
Aura hesitantly obeyed. They stood in a narrow alcove where a column of moonlit crystal ran up the wall, bathing them both in cool silver. Brennan studied her.
"You didn't even hesitate," he murmured. "You just… volunteered."
"It was the only option," she whispered back, squinting at him.
"It wasn't."
"It was," she insisted, "If we refused, they would've erased us today. At least this gives us a chance."
Brennan exhaled through his nose, dragging a hand through his scruffy chestnut hair. He rarely looked undone, but he did now.
"You shouldn't have done that," he said. "Anyone but you, Auri."
Aura raised her left eyebrow. She crossed her arms, shifting most of her weight, "Why does everyone keep saying that?"
"Because you're--" he cut himself off, waving his hand in the air. "You're not trained for this kind of thing."
She stared at him like he'd grown a second head.
"Do you hear yourself right now?"
Brennan's expression went blank, and he hesitantly reached for Aura's hand. "I'm being realistic."
She immediately pulled away. If anyone were to have faith in her, she expected it to be Brennan. "No. You're being protective. And… Not trained for this kind of thing? You say that like the Council was picking champions based on fairness. Or skill. Or sanity."
"That's not what I meant."
"Oh, really? Because it sounded exactly like what you meant."
Brennan sighed, treading lightly, "Auri, you've been studying emotional resonance and crystal influence for--what--three years? That's not combat prep. You know that."
"And you know I wasn't given a choice."
"You always have a choice," he said back quietly.
"A choice," she repeated. "Like the one we were just given when the Council branded us traitors without evidence? Or the one children get when they're laid on a marble table and cut open for their crystal?"
Brennan narrowed his earthy hazel eyes, but didn't dare interrupt her. He knew better than to, especially when she got like this.
"Choices are nonexistent,” Aura went on. "It's only ever been control. You know that. I know that." She gestured vaguely toward the Hall behind them, where the Twelve Sigils stood, "And today, they decided we were inconvenient."
Aura read his concerned expression and forced herself to soften. He didn't deserve this. All he ever did was look out for her.
She let out a slow breath and uncrossed her arms.
"I know you're trying to protect me," Aura said more quietly. "But I know what I'm doing."
Brennan's gaze flicked to the Opal crystal embedded at her collarbone, then back to her eyes. "It's my job."
"No," she corrected gently. "It's your instinct. And it's not your fault," she paused. "You remember when my crystal was set?"
Brennan stiffened. Of course, he remembered. Everyone in Lowwen did. The implantation ceremonies were meant to be joyful, but hers had gone wrong. The Opal had flared bright enough to blind half the room. The healers had panicked. The Council's observers had taken notes and wanted to study it.
"I remember," he said.
"They told my mother it meant I'd be… sensitive," Aura went on. "That my magic would be good for calming others. For stabilizing guild bonds. Never once did they ask what it would do to me. So no. I wasn't trained to fight in an arena. I was trained to absorb things. Fear. Grief. Guilt. Love. I was trained to keep people functional. I think people might underestimate me, and that's exactly what I want."
Brennan's tone was serious. "That doesn't mean you should be the one bleeding for it."
Aura met his eyes. "Maybe not. But it does mean I know what's at stake. And you shouldn't be bleeding for it, either."
"Stop talking like you've already accepted what this is going to cost you," he said.
Aura paused. She hadn't realized she'd started walking again until she stopped. She turned back to him slowly.
"You don't understand."
He frowned. "Then explain it to me."
"Do you know what my Opal does when it's overwhelmed?" Aura asked.
Brennan's brow furrowed. "It floods. Emotionally, I mean. It amplifies."
"Is that what they taught you?" She replied. "That's what the Council likes to repeat. But that's only half of it. When it reaches saturation, it equalizes. It pulls from the strongest emotional source in the room and redistributes it. Like a mediator."
Brennan stared at her. "You're saying… you're a stabilizer."
"I always have been," she said. "That's why Lowwen works. That's why conflicts there don't spiral the way they do in other guilds."
He thought of it for a moment. He probably pondered the arguments that cooled quickly around her, and the way disagreements never truly escalated. She vowed never to use her magic on friends like Brennan, though. Auralynne believed in ethical magic usage above all.
"And the arena?" he asked quietly.
"The arena is built to destroy people," Aura said. "Emotionally first. The magic follows. If I can keep us from breaking, even for a few moments longer than they expect… that's an advantage. We just have to convince our team of this, whoever they end up being."
Brennan let out a deep, shaky breath. "That kind of magic burns people out."
"Only if they fight it," she said. "I don't."
Silence settled again.
"You should have told me," he said.
"I just did."
Another distant chime rang: the signal to move.
Brennan nodded once. "Alright. Then we adapt. But if this starts to hurt you-- really hurt you -- you tell me."
Aura hummed, then gave a small, genuine smile. "Deal."
He stepped aside, finally letting the corridor open back up.
"Let's go. We have a lot of packing to do."
ʜᴏᴜꜱᴇ ʜᴀᴠᴇɴʟɪɢʜᴛ, ʟᴜᴍɪɴᴀʀʏ ʜᴀʟʟ, ᴛʜᴇ ɴᴇxᴛ ᴅᴀʏ
Before the Trials, there were the Houses.
They were older than the Luminous, older even than the High Council. Every team was given one. It wasn't long before Auralynne realized these houses were not technically made to be 'homes'.
She followed Brennan through the Hall once they were packed and ready. It didn't take long, and the rest of the Council's Trials were just coming to an end. More and more guild members from other regions of Prisma were volunteering for the Luminous Trials. Everyone hated this time of year, when they did internal guild audits.
When they approached a large warden guarding a door, Brennan gestured toward a circular chamber. The passage opened into a wide room lined with sealed doors, each etched with a house name.

"That's… us," Brennan said quietly.
Aura repeated the name under her breath. Strange.
The door responded to their crystals, sliding open slowly. Inside, the space was deceptively simple. Five alcoves curved along the walls, each with a sleeping station with fleece blankets. A pale stone table rested beneath a chandelier made of pure Selenite. A stabilizing crystal. Auralynne noted it.
A man stood near the far wall, back straight, arms crossed. His skin was dark and rich, and he wore matte black armor, accompanied by a hood that was stitched with the Iso Guild sigil -- a hissing snake. His grey eyes flicked over them all.
Tory Kael.
Aura had seen him in the registries. He was an Iso Guild champion.
"Thank the Light. Brennan Rennox," he said, flashing a smile at Aura's partner, "I was beginning to think I'd been placed incorrectly. What the hell are you doing here?"
"Treason, apparently," Brennan said dryly, "Good to see you too, Tory."
Tory stepped away from the wall, and his eyes migrated to hers.
"So the archives were right," he said. "Lowwen finally fell out of favor."
"We were convenient," Aura snapped.
Something flickered in Tory's eyes. Respect, maybe? Or calculation. With Iso champions, it was hard to tell. Before he could answer, the door behind them opened again.
The woman who entered did so like she expected everyone to move out of her way. She simply crossed the threshold and claimed the space. She was absolutely stunning. Her brown eyes scanned the room just like Tory's. She was tall, almost unbelievably so, and her skin was tan and radiant. Her black hair was messily braided at her side as she eyed them all. Auralynne almost couldn't look away.
"Kharos," the girl stated her Guild, "Name's Nira. Don't wear it out."
Aura had read about Kharos Guild. A dumping ground for the unwanted, the unstable, the survivors of guilds that no longer existed. People from Kharos didn't break easily -- but when they did, it was rarely without a fight. Or worse. Auralynne couldn't help but wonder what her crystal was.
Nira's eyes skimmed over Brennan and Tory, then paused on Aura. Her smile turned crooked.
"Oh," she said. "You're the calming one.”
"That's… one way to put it," Aura sighed, finding her cot. She chose the one in the far corner, near the open window. The air smelled sweet, like apricots or apples.
"Relaaax," Nira said. "I'm not scared of you. Yet."
Tory huffed, unimpressed. "Confidence won't save you in the arena."
Nira shrugged. "Neither will discipline. Or big muscles."
Auralynne could practically feel Tory's irritation in her bones. Her opal vibrated slightly. Aura inhaled slowly, grounding herself and everyone inside, letting the emotion drizzle away in her mind. The House calmed in response. She wasn't sure anyone noticed.
The final entrant did.
The last girl slipped inside quietly. Her attention went immediately to the chandelier above and then to the sigils etched into the floor. This one was much shorter than Nira, with long, straight blonde hair. She wore a combat suit -- all brown, which complemented her hazel eyes. Slung on her shoulder was a bag that looked like it'd been made from cottonsilk, a delicacy in the northern region.
"And you are?" Nira asked as the girl settled into the last remaining cot.
"Lisbet," she said. "Calyx Guild."
Nira tilted her head, studying her. "Calyx," she pondered. “You specialize in keeping buildings from collapsing?"
"And people from overextending," Lisbet joked, "Ideally."
Tory snorted. "That's optimistic."
Lisbet's eyes met his, "What? Structures fail because of imbalance," she studied him. "You look familiar…And…" she skimmed over Nira, Aura, and Brennan. "Who are you three?"
"I'm Auralynne, but you can call me Aura or Auri. Either works," she gestured to Brennan, "This is Brennan. We're of the Lowwen Guild. The one who keeps eyeing you down is Nira. Kharos Guild."
Nira snorted softly at that, unbothered. "I don't bite unless I'm bored."
Brennan shot Nira a look, then stepped forward, extending a hand toward Lisbet, "Brennan Rennox. Lowwen Vibrance. Formerly."
Lisbet took his hand. "Ha. Calyx doesn't do 'former'. But I heard what happened in the Hall."
Tory jumped in. "Iso Guild," he said, finally offering Lisbet a nod. Champion tier. If you heard about Lowwen, you've probably heard about me too."
Nira rolled her eyes and began unpacking her suitcase.
Lisbet chuckled, "The snake. Yeah. You destabilize enemy formations by exploiting their fears. Pretty neat stuff. Calyx doesn't get much glory. We're usually called in after someone like you is finished. When the ground's cracked and everyone's wonderin' why their grand plan didn't hold. Which is often."
Tory's mouth twitched. "Someone has to break things."
Brennan laughed lightly and settled down on a wooden chair in the corner of the room, near the lit fireplace.
"Have any of you been to the Trials? As a spectator, I mean," he asked, kicking his boots up on the table in front of him.
Lisbet was the first to move; she sat on the edge of her cot, unfastening the clasps on her boots. "My guild doesn't get to watch," she said. "The Trials are… inefficient. Too many unknown variables. We study the aftermath instead."
Nira laughed lightly, kneeling beside her open case. Inside were vials, blades, and oddly shaped crystal housings that didn't match any standard Guild issue. "I've watched. From the upper galleries. Kharos doesn't get invited to the nice seats." She slid a knife into a sheath at her thigh.
Tory shifted, armor clinking as he leaned back against the wall. "Iso trains in subsidiary arenas. Not the Luminous floor, but close enough." His gaze flicked briefly toward Aura, "Some people thrive there."
Why did he look at her?
Brennan's boots thudded softly as he dropped them back to the floor. "Lowwen doesn't attend," he said. "We believe the Trials reward volatility. Our Guild is -- was -- focused on stabilization."
Aura shrugged, "I've never seen them," she admitted. "Not in person. Only recordings. They cut the worst parts from those."
"They always do." Nira said.
Lisbet cut in, "The Trials weren't always like this, y'know. Originally, they were meant to prove balance between guilds."
"And now?" Brennan asked.
"And now they prove who the Council is willing to keep alive," she replied simply.
Tory crossed his arms, "You're all acting like this is new. The Trials have always been about power."
"Kind of," Aura said before she could stop herself.
All eyes turned to her. This was her chance to bring up the same thing she brought up with Brennan yesterday.
She shifted uncomfortably, "They're about control. Power is just the excuse. If it were really about strength, they wouldn't randomize teams. They wouldn't mix guilds with opposing doctrines. They'd let you compete clean."
A faint smile tugged at Nira's mouth. "Someone's been paying attention."
Aura didn't smile back. "I study patterns. Emotional ones. Systems break the same way people do-- under pressure, when something vital is ignored."
Tory scoffed, "And what's being ignored here?"
"The fact that they expect us to turn on each other," Brennan said, before Aura could answer. "Havenlight is a stress test."
Aura shrugged, "That’s why I'm here."
Tory's gaze lingered on her, "And you think you can… what? Smooth it out? Keep us from tearing each other apart?"
"I think," Aura said carefully, "that if they're expecting chaos, cohesion becomes a liability they didn't account for, nor will they expect it."
The room fell silent for just a moment, leaving only the sound of crackling embers. She wondered, not for the first time, how much of that the Council understood. Probably enough to be dangerous.
Nira finally broke the silence, "So that's it, then. We don't give them the show they want, because that'll be what they're looking for. A show."
Aura nodded.
Tory shook his head, "I don't have a good feeling about this."
Brennan let out a light laugh.
Tory continued, "If this backfires on us--"
"Oh, it will," Brennan looked at him. Aura knew that look: jaw tight, facial expression neutral. He was already calculating how to shield the rest of them if things went wrong.
Tory exhaled through his nose.
Maybe Tory was right.
Aura looked around the room-- at the Iso champion who specialized in fear, the Kharos survivor shaped by trauma, the Calyx engineer who was too smart for her own good, and Brennan, whose entire life had been about keeping Lowwen intact. And…. her. She didn't know how the Trials would try to tear them apart. She didn't know what the Council was truly measuring, whether it was power, obedience, or something more disturbing.
If the Luminous Trials were meant to break people, Havenlight might be the very thing that could expose the fractures.
She just had to show Prisma she was capable of it.
And, of course, survive the next couple of months.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hello there, Leya! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the frightening S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - In the Kingdom of Prisma, babies are implanted with gems that give them certain abilities. There are Guilds that The Council decides can stay or go and then there is The Trials, for people to fight for their stay. Aura and Brennan will take these rather dangerous trials so their Guild does not go away.
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - You forgot to put a “ for when Tory is telling Lisbet that his Guild is in Champion Tier, but that is just one little thing.
Chocolate Bar - I love how the Havenlight house acts towards each other, they seem to have a good dynamic. I also like that Aura seems to know what she’s doing even though she is seen as “emotional” and “sensitive”. Never underestimate the emotionally sensitive people! Brennan’s care for her is touching, though. He loves his friend. Aura is my favorite character so far, but so is Nira! I love both of their vibes!
Closing Graham Cracker - Overall, a lovely first chapter! I will be sure to check out the other chapters that are posted and if there are any other collection of stories on your profile that connect to this, please let me know, because I would love to read it! I hope that Havenlight doesn’t break and…
I wish you a fantastic day/night! ^v^
Well dear Leya, I assure you I do not need the points xd But you do come highly recommended so I wanted to read one of your stories anyways 😊 Why not start with the one in the Green Room and maybe jump off to some of your other stuff later? So, let me be the first (or one of the first, I suspect you might get a lot of reviews xd) to share my thoughts ^^
I do love myself some Action/Adventure, that’s the Genre I write too, so let’s go. Also, idk if I have commented on the map before but I like it. I’m especially intrigued by the name “The Upper Drift”. Hopefully we get some scenes set there =D
Also there are some red or otherwise autumn-coloured trees in the Trial Habitation Zone, interesting!
Ohhh I like the crystal symbol thingy after your Chapter title. PRETTY!
I might have mentioned before (if not, I certainly intended it) but I like the idea of crystal magic and sewing/binding them to children. Although unintentionally I thought that the crystals could have had names, not the children from the way the sentence is shaped xddd
Annnd I’m sorry to do this one a piece that’s really well-written but here’s DIALOGUE FORMATTING!!!
There is no speech tag (no description of a character saying something) in your narration. Therefore, you don’t connect the speech to narration with a comma but with a period 😊
Tikaya of further down the chapter brings another example:
„She replied“ is not a complete sentence. The speech completes it, ergo we do not capitalize “she” since it’s technically still the same sentence as the speech, the speech is just a very weirdly-shaped object 😊
Wait, she says “that’s what’s worrying me” after he says “you’re pale” so… she is exactly worried because she is pale?
Haven’t mentioned it before but I love the name Auralynne 😊
Hm I do wish you would have made it clear much sooner if Brennan and her are in a position to speak privately or not. I kinda thought they weren’t already in the guild-condemn zone bc of their dialogue but the next description is of the high council so they are in the condemn-place now and still can speak so candidly? I mean, yes, they are whispering….and maybe that should have been my clue and it is late and I should have gone to bed instead. Never mind, have these rambling thoughts instead.
Oh we are at the end of the trial and just awaiting the verdict. Hmm I’m not sure I like how Mr High Council decides to mention the Luminous Trials. It might just be me not expecting the dialogue to conclude like that. It feels like maybe there should have been… more fanfare. Aura herself also didn’t realise this is an option, so to have it called out so specifically… Idk what I mean, I’ve read maybe 300 words of your story by now but still I kinda … hmm It might just be because I don’t know why Aura’s guild is charged with treason that makes these words the High Council speak feel so much less interesting to me. The hall reacts shocked and Aura surprised and then engerised for this opportunity but I feel like without the context, I can’t join in. I mean I like the title drop which immediately makes this more meaningful as a reader… yet a better emotional primer, maybe something on what Aura expected etc vs what she got would have worked better? I REALLY liked it in the beginning when you said that “the day they condemned the guild” etc bc that was an intrigue and fit perfectly for the beginning but here? I feel like … just some comment from Aura, some…outcome she would have liked or one she would have feared would have done wonders to make me feel more invested. Ok, I realise I spent like 250 words on this one dialogue already, I should be moving on ^^°
I like this though: “Brennan, panicked, raised his hand as well.” I like what it says abt him and abt the danger of the trial since he’s her mentor and maybe doesn’t want her to go alone but at the same time, it comes across how spur of the moment this is.
Interesting that there’s a religion with hell in this world! “What the hell“
Ohhh and we have a long-lived/age-less population: “locked away for millennia,” I am so here for this! I also like her reason for volunteering for something that seems more and more obvious is v dangerous!
I also appreciate her insight into Brennan’s motivation. Hopefully this character trait of his won’t become annoying. And if it does, I want her to bonk him on the head (or at least condemn it in narration!)
Shouldn’t this be “had been” here in both instances? “When he was sent to serve The Council for three years, she was beyond lonely“
…Oh they are still whispering and murmuring, with their respective verbs. That gives a kinda clue abt their society or their standing in it.
"Anyone but you, Auri." Brennan is losing some of my goodwill. I have no idea who Aura is since we’re barely halfway through CH1 but having him already questioning her decision when we’ve been in her head the whole time (primed to side more with her basically) this is not a good look. Yes you go, Aura, don’t let him put you down too!
"You're not trained for this kind of thing." I am having so many unwanted flashbacks to Fourth Wing atm. Wasn’t Violet’s brother called Brennan too…?
Ok so don’t get me wrong this is nice world building but … idk it just rubs me the wrong way to have someone criticize our view point character so early on. I rly hope she pushes back on that. We don’t know what the Trials are either. For all WE know there could be a translation competition involved and earlier, Aura, a scribe (presumably someone who knows abt history) hadn’t even known they could be an option. So where is Brennan coming from here to judge her so inadequate, did he suspect the option?
[Why yes, I am already invested in Aura’s success and personal development, can you tell? I shall defend her against any criticism no matter how warranted XD]
See it is sentences like these that give me the courage to not like Brennan in this situation xd “If anyone were to have faith in her, she expected it to be Brennan.“
Oh so the council could have rejected her volunteering? Or are the participants not yet decided and she just put herself on their radar without a true commitment so far?
Hm I don’t think I enjoy their dialogue atm. It feels like I’ve read it a thousand times. Small, untrained girl and overprotective big strong boy trying to reason her out of it.
I don’t know why they are talking abt her having no choice. I don’t have enough context and that is frustrating me. She volunteered, without hesitating so… where does the not-choice come from? Wouldn’t the council have allowed any other volunteers? Was volunteering just a formality bc the council would have chosen her anyway or only accepted her anyway? Would no one else of their guild volunteer? What would it have meant to be erased? Like, is this death or just… disownment and they would have to beg other guilds to take them in? Or exile? ANY option that the rest of the guild would have deemed preferrable over volunteering for these apparently v dangerous trials that no scribe should attempt?
I don’t like how this is not explained bc I feel this is important to make the dialogue between Aura and Brennan have some distinguishing factor.
I like this world building tidbit. “Or the one children get when they're laid on a marble table and cut open for their crystal?" How it says a lot abt what type of childhood they are expected!
Ahh so maybe she meant having no choice in a more… deterministic sort of way? Like having no choice is just… because of the way she is and her ambitions outside of the small role as scribe she’s been given?
I disagree here, Aura: “He didn't deserve this. All he ever did was look out for her.” Because Brennan is raising a lot of character archetype red flags for me xd Also I rly like how you imply a bigger world through sentences like this: “where the Twelve Sigils stood“ I want to know more abt your world building~
“ but hers had gone wrong” OH I LIKE THIS. Like, our MC has something special and it doesn’t come out forced. I like this a lot!
I feel like this is over-explaining and hand-hold-y here: “I think people might underestimate me, and that's exactly what I want.” Hmm feels like the wrong moment or the wrong way to convey that. I like that she absorbed things tho so the rest of her speech is nice. But still, I get the feeling you could be more subtle with what your characters say, leave more things to the readers imagination, at least in this first chapter. Brennan has known her for a long time, he could already be aware of all this.
Again, I feel like maybe we don’t--- need to get all this info abt her powers dumped on us now? I mean it is nice to know that BRENNAN, presumably her best friend or something, does not understand her powers and they apparently never talked abt them (Either their friendship is not that close or actually talking abt what your crystals do is somehow forbidden {maybe this is why they are muttering all the time?}) In any case, since we’re just learning abt your world, all this info abt how special Aura’s powers are comes kinda at the wrong time and is not really all that interesting to read. We don’t have enough grounding in the world yet to compare her to others and what these crystals really mean. And we STILL don’t know what type of skills are even necessary for these trials. They talk abt the trials in a rly frustrating way for me. Feels like you info dump on the wrong thing here.
Hm I wonder if her special stabilizer powers might have granted too much unity in her guild and this is why the high council is trying to get rid of them. Maybe this is also part of the reason why they easily accepted Aura as the volunteer since they want to get rid of her and now she can conveniently die or get severely weakened/removed from the guild during these trials.
Ok I am still not done talking abt the way you reveal her specialness. Remember like five seconds ago where I mentioned I liked how her implementation went wrong and how this raised intrigue? Well, immediately explaining it kinda ruins that. I am a lot less intrigued now ☹ Why frontload all this information?
“She vowed never to use her magic on friends like Brennan, though.“ Uhm I don’t like that tbh. Like she uses it on alllll her guild to make sure everyone stays nice and friendly but her ethical considerations end with her friends? Now you make her powers seem unnecessarily sinister and her use of them questionable… When it could have just been an aura of calmness that makes ppl gravitate to her and better choices ☹
Ok finally some sorta info on what the trials are. They are not … quite enough to really explain it but it’s something. Hmmm now I do wonder abt their true purpose. Why have some volunteers get broken like that? What is the benefit for society?
“ But if this starts to hurt you-- really hurt you -- you tell me." Uhm Brennan, idk how to tell you this but these trials seem to be designed to make you suffer. What exactly are you expecting her to do? Let you keep all the suffering to yourself? I doubt the trial would let that happen, whatever it is and however it is conducted. But it does sound like ppl are actually expected to survive it, just … more as vegetables/broken and traumatized husks…
Alrighty. So my first impressions on Aura and Brennan aren’t that positive but I do like your world building ideas and your writing style itself is really nice :3
I am still not sold on the purpose of these trials so let’s continue into the next part ^^
Uhm I am unsure how this sentences connects to the previous one: “Everyone hated this time of year, when they did internal guild audits.” My last info is still that our MC did not expect the Luminous Trials to be a thing and now we have ppl coming to Prisma and they hate this time of year? I am confused ☹
Ok I cant picture where they are right now and where the chamber is and why they don’t want to approach the warden (a person or some sorta object that is called a warden in this world?) “When they approached a large warden guarding a door, Brennan gestured toward a circular chamber.“
Oh Brennan is rising in my good graces again for this neat line. But… ofc I have to give one more dialogue formatting tip (I swear before I came here I didn’t know this is a pet peeve of mine q.q) Since his next sentence is a full sentence, aka independent of “Treason, apparently”, you don’t use a comma after “dryly”. So, it should be a period instead. (Is it weird that even after years of being on the internet, I still want to call this a full stop? XD) Btw you do this correctly with Tory’s next line of dialogue.
Hm I do like the introduction of these new characters. Both Tory and new woman who expects everyone to move out of the way leave strong impressions. …I just have no idea why they are in the MCs house? Are they on their side? WHAT ARE THE TRIALS, I DEMAND ANSWERS. You leave me so frustratingly confused *sobs*
Oh this doesn’t rly feel like it gives us any information: “This one was much shorter than Nira,” you introduced Nira as unusually tall so… anyone would probably be much shorter than her. Now if you’ve said that she’s much shorter than f.e. Aura, that at least said something abt both their heigths?
Ahh I do want to like this scene. The interactions between your characters are fun to read. But I keep coming back to the fact that I have no idea why they are here and your MCs know why they are there and this puts up a wall between me the reader and them the characters ☹
You mentioned that there would be teams. For the trials. But from the verdict I felt like the trials are… something called in for judgement but it feels like a yearly routine thing and ppl have to do them kinda like the Hunger Games and… I don’t know. It’s rly confusing atm.
I find them talking abt what their guilds do much more natural than Aura lecturing Brennan abt her powers in the middle of nowhere. Still feels a little… too info-dumpy here, but still a huge improvement to earlier 😊
I like how they talk abt the Luminous trials and their ways of observing/attending them. Neat!
Hmmmmm Leya, do you want me to link you a nice resource on how to do dialogue formatting correctly? It’s how I learnt how to do it. [Also Word nowadays keeps suggesting “dialogue formatting” to me after most verbs because I keep mentioning it in too many different contexts lol]
I really like this info a lot: “they were meant to prove balance between guilds” Kinda sounds like this devolved into a spectator sport and also explains why they are so focused on breaking ppl. Bc that is what ppl would want to see, huh? Still don’t rly know what this means for the verdict of the trial that we had in the beginning. Is just participating in the trials enough to prevent guild erasure? Do they need to win? Or is it okay to just score high or come out of them relatively sane? What measurement are we using here and why do we not know this already? It feels like a really important info considering this is the entire reason why our two MCs are even here @.@
Ok my theorizing ran away with me here but I like your explanation too: "And now they prove who the Council is willing to keep alive," Hmm sounds like…. A radical council-replacement might be in store for later chapters xd
I really like this abt Aura. Makes her interesting as our main gal: “Systems break the same way people do-- under pressure, when something vital is ignored." I mean that she knows this and how she conveys this information.
Ohh I am here for these characters actually working together instead of against each other. I am so excited for Aura proving her worth here through this. I am also always interested in different magical powers fighting together against equal foes. Looking forward to some team building fails and then the team coming together in awesome fight scenes~
Also interesting that every other guild sent only one person but they allowed two stabilisers. Is this bc usually only 1 person volunteers or is it because they went “whatever, one of them cant fight anyway”, I wonder.
I still am not sure why these trials are organized and how they function. I do like our cast of characters tho even though I also don’t know if they are meant to work together or not. Why are just so stingy with information on this main instance of the plot but you hand out information on your characters magic like candy? @.@
Are there more teams? I assume but then again sometimes your characters talk as if their enemy is actually in the room with them.
Overall, I repeat myself: I think your writing style itself is fine and nice to read. I am just very confused about how you reveal information and about the plot in general.
I think Nira and Lisbet are my favourite characters and I think I liked Brennan the least this time around (In case you care abt such information. I do xd)
If you have any more questions, just let me know and have a great day ^^
Oh my, this review was beyond helpful! I realized that I never mentioned [/i]why[/i] Lowwen was condemned for treason. *facepalms* and yes, I always struggle with info dumping in the first chapter, I was hoping to reveal more about the Trials in the second chapter. I did not want this one to be too long xD but It%u2019s really helpful to know there was confusion about why they were there.
Also, honestly, Brennan is not technically my favorite either. XD He is way too overprotective for Aura, but it is huge in her character development! I really appreciate your POV on it! <3
As for dialogue%u2026. *sigh* that has always been a struggle of mine and I plan to go back and fix those when I get to the editing stage. Though, now, I am definitely going back and editing in a bit more info about the Trials and the locations/setting they are in. I definitely missed out on that! Thank you so much.
Again, thanks so much for this review! You are so helpful!