Published January 12, 2008
I watch you standing there
With longing, wistful eyes
If you knew what I was thinking,
I think you’d be surprised.
Because I bet you didn’t know
That I dream of you at night,
And that when I close my eyes,
You’re all that fills my sight.
But I know that your lips
Can never touch mine.
And I know that our fingers
Can never entwine.
I know you’re just a dream,
But a dream that I hold dear,
And I face every day
Afraid you’ll disappear.
Why do I still hope
When I know that we can’t be?
Why do I still love you
When I know you don’t love me?
Hopeless, foolish dreams
Spill from hopeless, foolish hearts;
The truth that you’ll never hold me
Is the truth that tears me apart.
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This is nice, but some of your rhythm is a bit out in places.
I'd get rid of "because", as I don't think you need it and it puts your beat out.
I'd try:
"But I know that your lips
Can never touch my own."
I know that this messes up your rhyming...let's see...maybe try something like;
"The fingers on my cold right hand
are doomed to sit alone."
Then I'd try;
"But it's a dream that I hold dear,
And now I'm facing every day afraid
That you will disappear."
The rhythm in the next stanza is perfect, and I really like the final verse, but I agree about the rhythm being off in the last two lines. Maybe;
"The truth is that you'll never hold me.
Truth is tearing me apart."
Other than that, this would benefit from some more imagery, and the cutting of cliches such as "that I hold dear", "tears me apart."
You tell the story well and your rhyming is good. Reading poetry and experimenting with a variety of different forms, as well as trying to write without rhyme will help you find your voice and develop as a poet. Best of luck, and I hope this helps!
Jas
nicee.. ^^ i like your rhythm but it gets a bit hard to find in the last two lines of your poem.
its great though. X)
- Jazi
Ooo! Very cute but deep writting.
I think you should somewhat elaborate(sp?) on your thoughts.
Maybe make it alittle longer?
Good start. :]