The clouds were shifty on the day we left; they were twisting and diving, forming pictures that charged and sieged before dashing themselves against the silloettes of the mountains etched into the horizon.
By the time the sun was scratching snow gums into the mist I was breaching the crest of the lowest peak. The air was thinning already, each long, drawn-out breath weighing heavily on my lungs; coating my veins with ice and my throat with lead. By noon the oncoming snow was a gentle kiss to my flushed face. The black clouds absently mirroring my dark mood.
I know the reason for leaving but I don't know why I'm going. I don't know why I left you there; cold, alone, and mangled at the base of the cliff.
Now I'm watching the ghostly trees turn golden as the setting sun spears through the clouds.
I'll be there soon, I'll be where we always dreamed of going. That plateu with the veiw over the horizon that cuts like a knife wound through the untouched forest.
But I'll be there without you.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,855 Reviews
Hi Lexi,
I enjoyed reading your piece of writing very much. And my first impression was that... it's actually very sad. I believe this is the feeling you wanted to express and so you did good with it. I personally like stories about lost people who aren't sure what and why they're doing - both as a writer and as a reader. For the reader it's interesting to see the character become more aware of his reasons throughout the story, for the writer it's a challenge to evolve the character and to make it believable that the character actually started with an 'empty head' and then the following events of the story made him find a purpose.
So yes, I would very much like to read what happens next to this person!
As to your style, I think it's pretty good. I usually don't like nature descriptions, but your story is an exception, as it really does help the reader get into the mood.
Try telling us more about this lost character, what happened to her/him?
PS I didn't notice any spelling or grammar mistakes (except for plateau, but that's mentioned above).
It started out slow, just talking about the sky, I began to wonder if it would be a story. But it is written very well, so even if it didn't have a plot, it still would have been great. But then when you get to the third paragraph, it just becomes a new level of awesomeness. I might make that a little longer, though. The only spelling problem i was is that plateu is spelled plateau. Really good.