Published May 9, 2009
Shadows in the Sunlight
Who am I if I never know love?
If I roam the earth and never go home?
If I drink, though never calm my thirst?
If I eat, yet still my hunger grows?
I walk in the shadows and yearn for the sun,
for darkness end light, can never be won.
Who am i? Can you guess?
I speak with the wisdom of many years.
A creature of the night;
skin pale,
chalky,
white.
My eyes full of the deepest sorrow,
a heart that wishes to beat once more,
lungs that ache for air,
a soul that longs for love,
nothing more.
So here I stand;
lonely,
pale,
heart silent,
lungs empty,
eyes full.
A shadow in the sunlight,
some one i used to be .
A shadow in the sunlight,
once young, no longer free.
A shadow in the sunlight,
dark end light in me.
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139,456 Literary Works • 672,568 Reviews
thanks for the ideas. I like them but I think i'm gonna keep it once younc. because it's not literal meaning the person/vampire is young in body. it's ment to mean that their soul is nolonger young. Ex: when something traumatic happens in someone's life, they say their youth or childhood was stolen.
Rawr. That's my first remark. Whether you take that as a good or bad statement depends on you entirely.
Um. Firstly. The tense? Fix it.
"Who am I if I am never to know love?
If I roam the earth for eternity, but is not capable of going home?
If I drink, even though my thirst is insatiable?
If I eat, yet my hunger grows still?"
Better, no? You need to emphasize a little bit more. Just a little bit moooore... Yup, you're almost there.
"I walk in the shadows yet I yearn for the sun" is a better installment, and the second phrase is plainly a phrase and it looks like it had been forced in order to create a rhyme. Nuh-uh. Not good. Don't ever force a phrase into a poem. It's noticeable.
"Who am I? Can you take a guess?
I speak with the wisdom of my many years;
A creature of the night -
my skin pale, chalky, and white."
This poem has rather inconsistent stanzas. Fix that.
"My eyes are full of the deepest sorrows,
And my heart wishes to beat once more;
My lungs ache for the comfort of air,
My soul longs for love and nothing more."
Notice the differences between the edited and the original. If you fail to notice the effect, well... RAWR. Again, whether you take that as a good or bad statement depends on you entirely.
Though I said this was inconsistent, this is my favorite part. Lovely.
'Someone I used to be'? Isn't he/she still a shadow in the sunlight? :/ I dunno, just replace that part. but for now...
Join this together with the next stanza.
"A shadow in the sunlight,
Someone used to be
A shadow in the sunlight,
Forever young, no longer free."
Not 'once young', okay? Their countenance never perish, because even though they're dead, they don't rot. They sustain their bodies by drinking blood and taking life away from others, right? So there. I forgot what I was about to say.
For a more dramatic end, try:
"A shadow in the sunlight,
The light illuminates the dark in me."
...or something.
As I always say, emphasis is the life of every literary work. Without emphasis nor description, a poem, story, or any piece of literature is bland and without taste. It is like plain omelet; as good as it is by itself, there always seem to be something missing, and the taste is never sufficient in itself. But if you put in some spice, a new sensation will be experienced through its good flavor, right?
If I didn't make sense, please remind yourself that I am retarded and I have no other hobby except for this.
Hehehe. Hope that helps~
+Katie+
I got to say, that's one "hell" of a poem there! Now that's what I'm talking about! I see potential, kid! I see potential! Although, I'm not quite sure with the words especially on the 1st stanza. I got blurred back there so I guess you need improvement on that. Work on that and maybe you could become one of the professionals here! And the meaning of every stanza... man, I got caught in the suspense! Great work! I'll make a note on that in my next work!
thanks Bunnie that's my favorite part too!!!
I love this poem!!!!!! =) Somy favorite part? Easy!!!!
That is so amazing!!!!!!! This entire poem is really good, but that's deffintly the best part! =P It's insane because i just posted something like tis in romantic fiction!! =) Well, that's about it!
bunnie's out!
I's are capitalized, because they are a proper noun.
Nope! I've wondered about that plenty of times; what difference does it actually make if it is capitalized or not? It doesn't do anything really...
But! It is officially grammatically correct, so we might as well follow grammar's rules, since we are writers
~April
I really should remember to capitolize them lol I'm not to good at it. I'l never get it why A's aren't cappitolized and I's are. Does any body know? Am i the only person random enough to wounder about theese things?
Hiya! I'm April, here to review!
OK, I think that there are way too many questions and "ifs" in there... I would try changing that. it isn't ever really good to start anything with a question. Also, the "ifs" are very repetitive and make it sound less fluent. Try a different start, dear.
"End" should be "and"
This is just repeating what you have already said. This can be good in certain poetry, but in this case, just seems repetitive. It serves no purpose in guiding the poem forward, and actually seems to slow down the flow, so I would just consider disposing of it.
Someone is one word, not two
I know what you meant but it took me a second to figure it out. Try being a little clearer; maybe some punctuation and word rearrangement could help. Also, this seems to be the only stanza that rhymes with a previous stanza. Try keeping the rhythm balanced throughout the poem.
This was a good read, amusing, but not full potential. There were no transitions whatsoever, and in some poetry there isn't, but in this case, it just sounds like you are rambling a bit. You also told us instead of showing us; that's never good to do. Try on some figurative language and personification for size, just to give it some flavor.
I see potential in it. You just have to clean it up a bit and watch out for grammatical errors; they can be very tricky
Write on
~April
I really loved this poem! I couldn't find that much wrong with it. Although, there are some I's that need to be capitalized. Other than that I cannot find anything.
Great Job!
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