a collection of something and someone

Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!

Shalt we commence with the possessed S’more?

Top Graham Cracker - This is a string of stories that is about all of the unsettling, something that can leave unease in the hearts of anyone who were to read it.

Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I have no recommendations to make as of right now, but if you would like to edit this, then you may.

Chocolate Bar - I like how these all look like thoughts someone’s had. With the 378 story, I think it’s about a man who is normalizing all of the horrible things around them. He repeats “378” as if he’s clinging to sanity. “378 more days” but what if it lasts longer? He doesn’t seem to care until…total animal, when he warns of the animal that is coming for anyone and then…oh no, when the animal comes for him. Now it’s affecting him and he’s worried. But this doesn’t have to be read together, it can be as anything with how it’s written!

Closing Graham Cracker - Overall, a fantastical set of stories! I enjoyed reading this and I’ll be sure to read any other stories that you may post. And so now…

I wish you a magical day/night! ^v^

Hey there and welcome! Thanks for sharing your piece! Upon reading it, I must say that there is definitely something here. Not in the sense that it is some polished masterpiece, because it is not, and that you're the second coming of James Joyce (neither of us will be), but for your age this is genuinely pretty strong. What I mean by that is not “wow, a kid wrote words on a page,” but that you actually seem to have some instinct already for rhythm, fixation, and escalation. A lot of people your age write in a way that is either flat and literal or else trying too hard to sound “deep.” This does not really do either. It is rough, yes, but it has energy, and more importantly it has a pulse. It feels like someone trying to create pressure rather than just tell me a thing.

The strongest part by far is the “three hundred and seventy eight / three seven eight / 378” section. That works because it starts to sound like a chant, a statistic, a slogan, a curse, a number that has swallowed the world. It gets into your head. It feels obsessive in a way that is actually effective. The repetition is not subtle, obviously, but subtlety is not really the point there. It is supposed to feel numbing and totalizing. It starts to suggest war, bureaucracy, death, suburbia, normal life, and a kind of horrible sameness all at once. That is the part where I thought, okay, this person does actually have some real instinct.

The “Total animal” section is less strong, but it still has some bite (no pun intended). There are images there that feel primal and ugly in the right way...in an almost awesome way. “The wolf is in every town” is probably the best part of that stretch, because it has that broad, ominous quality that makes it feel bigger than just one literal scene. It starts to sound like fear itself has become ambient. That said, I do think this middle section is where the writing starts to lose some control. The first section feels obsessive in a focused way. The second starts to get a little more random and less sharply organized. The energy is still there, but it is less clear what exact pressure the language is building toward.

Then the “OH NO!” ending is interesting, because it has the right instinct — panic, collapse, pure alarm — but right now it is probably the least effective part, mostly because it is too on-the-nose. Once you are literally yelling “OH NO!” over and over, the language is no longer doing as much of the work for you. The fear is being announced instead of created. That is a very normal young-writer problem, honestly. Younger writers often have the feeling first and then just blast it out at full volume. The next stage is learning how to make the reader feel it without saying it that directly.

So the main thing I would say you should work on is control. You already seem to understand intensity, but intensity by itself is not enough. The question is how to shape it. When to repeat something, when to stop repeating it, when an image is strong enough to stand on its own, when panic is more powerful if you understate it a little. You have some good raw instincts already, especially with repetition and tone, but now you need to start learning precision. Not everything has to be screamed to hit hard.

I would also tell you to keep reading poetry that uses repetition and incantation really well, because I think that is the lane you are naturally leaning toward. You might get something out of stuff that is more rhythmic, obsessive, and chant-like, because that seems to be where your ear is already trying to go. I think it would actually help a lot to read some poets who are clear and forceful and easy to understand, not poets who require a college class to decode. I would start with Langston Hughes, because he is very good at repetition and rhythm without ever sounding fake. Edgar Allan Poe is great for dread, sound, and atmosphere. Allen Ginsberg can show you how a poem can build momentum and feel like a mind rushing forward. Rudyard Kipling and Longfellow are both really good for rhythm and memorability — they help you hear how a line moves. And honestly, Shel Silverstein (though he largely has the reputation of being a children's author) is worth reading, because he is simple in the best way: clear, weird, rhythmic, and memorable.

More than anything, my young friend, just keep writing. While you're by no means a prodigy, for your age, this is pretty promising, and I guarantee that your voice will absolutely get sharper and stronger if you keep at it. The important part is that there is already something here to develop. And, of course, that you keep writing.

It’s very intense and chaotic in a very powerful way. It really immerses you in the repetition and emotion. The concept of “378” is very memorable, and the whole thing is very unsettling but meaningful and like it’s trying to say something deeper.