Published September 8, 2010
Edit: Thanks for the Advice, Changed as Follows:
(This song is casual, there might be words that sound wrong, but are right)
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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140,830 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Aww!! I like this poem! Its so sweet! I think though that you should state who "she" is.
Overall, with a little work this can be a really great poem! I hope I wasn't to harsh with my review... If you want you can just tell me to "shove it"...
Hope this helps,
~Rain~
I'm just gonna give a short general impression. When I saw the title I thought "Sounds like the song I'm listening to right now.... Love the way you lie by Eminem..." I then come in and the first line says
Now, maybe I'm wrong, but its a little too copyish especially for such a popular song. No doubt maybe you took motivation from the song, but it has got to be changed a little... As far as the rest goes, I thought it was OK...
This part was fairly good. But the next half I was iffy on. Just my opinion, take it for what it's worth... Whatever that might be.
I'm not going to stand here and watch you burn The first thing I thought when I read this line was Why is she singing I love the way you lie? For some reason, it made me think of that song. This is not a good thing nor bad thing. Just an observation.
It's not worth watching the tears your crying now The 'your' should be you're'
You will always be safe here
In my arms you're safe from all his harm
When you cry, you tear me up
Limb from limb, Your everything I've got,
Don't ever think you're hurting me
Your my little angel, who doesn't understand Again, 'you're' instead of 'your'
So when this is done and your okay
We will party till' we drop at six a.m. This poem was dark and brooding, not fun and bright.
I love the way you are Good ending
As I read this, I noticed how it didn't sound like a poem. I know that poems do not have to rhyme or have punctuation, but this sounded more like a slow song or as if the N was talking to another person. Overall, it was pretty good although it could use a thorough edit. Keep writing (:
TRH Writes
I think that this was good- I would try to stay away from cliche images, and keep the tone though. Also, run this through spellcheck.
I would focus on some more imagery perhaps, add in some metaphors or similes too allow the reader to connect further with your pain. I would also try to keep the tone consistent. As someone else already said- the tone dramatically changed towards the end. If you want to keep that theme, introduce it earlier in the poem, and continue to use it. Don't shove it in and then drop it.
All in all, I think this was pretty good- I think it would be even better with the above changes.
Nice job.
-Coral-
This part was good, I really liked it. But the second half you kind of lost me. Because you said that she is tearing you up limb for limb, so why doesn't it hurt? You need to explain that more. Why doesn't she understand? This line totally ruins the vibe of the poem, the rest of the poem is deep and has a lot of feeling, this just ruined all of that. Oh and punctuation! You could use some more of that.
Overall, the beginning was good, you could really make something amazing out of that! But when you a writing you should ask yourself questions, then you could explain it better. I really liked the beginning so work off of that, and this could be totally awesome! xD
-KAH
Okay, I have some issues with this poem. I'm kind of iffy on it. First of all, it doesn't really sound like a poem. It sounds more like you're talking, which is great, but somehow the way you word it makes it not so great. Second of all, it's really very short. I don't feel like I can feel the emotion that you're going through. You should really elaborate more. There are also several grammatical errors.
I do like the idea of this poem, though. Just work on how it flows.