The Others Remake

I am changing this from Chapter 1 part 1 to Prologue.

Here to crit. ^_^

I gazed down at the brightly lit underground city from my perch on the top of an apartment building.

I heard the sound of the roof door slowly open behind me. I turned around and saw a grey wolf with bright blue eyes slowly stalk towards me.

I turned my gaze back to the city and said in an irritated voice, “Geomana, can’t you leave me alone?”

“Nope,” said a girl with bright blue eyes who sat right next to me. “So, whatcha doing all up here on your lonesome, big brother. I made some supper for us and it’s getting cold.”

“I’m not hungry,” I said without looking at her, I couldn’t bring myself to do it.

“You, not hungry?” Geomana asked with mock surprise. “You sick or...” she stopped short when she looked at my face. “Kresko, what’s the matter?”

“Let’s go down stairs and eat.”

I looked into her face and saw that she was truly scared.

“Kresko, I now when there’s something you ain’t telling me. What is it?”

“It’s mom and dad,” I said softly, my vision became blurred as I said, “They’re dead, Geomana, they died on the surface.” Geomana looked as if I had knocked the wind out of her, then her face turned pale, though she did not cry out of shock. [s]Then she let it all go.[/s]

She cried into my shoulder and I patted her back.

I didn’t cry once when I heard the news.

I knew this would happen eventually with my parents job and I had to be the strong one for me and Geomana, my dear, baby sister.

I lead her through the roof door and down the dimly lit stairwell.

I walked through the door [s]that was[/s] opposite [s]of[/s] the stairs and into the apartment where [s]my parents, my sister, and I[/s] we lived.

As soon as I entered I smelled burnt meat, which was what was my sister’s attempt as making a dinner.

Our home wasn’t much; a kitchen, a living room, a bathroom, and two bedrooms.

“What will happen to us, Kresko?” Geomana asked as I sat her down in a chair in the living room.

“I don’t know, Geomana,” I said truthfully, “and I swear, on my honor as a member of the Wolf Family, [s]that[/s] I won’t let anyone separate us.”

I walked into the kitchen and dumped the burnt meat into the trash can. “Let me make you something to eat.”

Interesting piece.

I gazed down at the brightly lit underground city from my perch on the top of an apartment building.

This seems a bit crammed together.

The many noises of traffic just barely reached my ears, but I could still tell it was rush hour. I heard the sound of the roof door slowly open behind me. I turned around and saw a grey wolf with bright blue eyes slowly stalk towards me. I turned my gaze back to the city and said in an irritated voice, “Geomana, can’t you leave me alone?”

This sounds choppy. A lot of telling. We need some thought bubbles :D:D

I stood up and made for the door, but Geomana grabbed my shoulder and flipped me around to face. I looked into her face and saw that she was truly scared

Again, this is telling, not showing. We need to know what Kresko [sounds suspiciously like Crisco ] is thinking. Has he ever seen his sister like this?

Geomana looked as if I had knocked the wind out of her, then her face turned pale, though she did not cry out of shock. Then she let it all go.

How does HE know that? How do WE know that?

I lead her through the roof door and down the dimly lit stairwell. Once we reached the bottom of the stairs and walked into the brightly colored hallway, I walked through the door that was opposite of the stairs and into the apartment where my parents, my sister, and I lived. As soon as I entered I smelled burnt meat, which was what was my sister’s attempt as making a dinner. Our home wasn’t much; a kitchen, a living room, a bathroom, and two bedrooms.

This sounds very unnatural. "We went down the stairs. As soon as we were at the end, we went down the hall, at the end of the hall..." See what I mean?

Overall, very intriguing. Curious of what all this is about. :D Keep writing. If you have quesitons, please PM me :D:D:D:D:D:D