Published April 10, 2008
I know this is small, but I'm just trying an idea of what I had and this is the result.
Lethero looked over the temporary camp his wolves made as the day descended into twilight. Females paced around the camp tending to the young, the old, and the sickly. All was sound as the young laid down with litter mates and mothers. Males walked around on the outskirts of the camp to keep watch for trouble as the other slept. Lethero knew this was going to be another sleepless night after the they were chase from their territory and hunted tirelessly.
Lethero was blinded as the dying sun shone off the glistening grey fur of a beautiful femalewho passed by him, blocking his view of the camp. It was his mate, Arnora. “You should lay down, Lethero,” Arnora said with some concern. “You need to rest.”
“I cannot rest,” Lethero replied solemnly. “It is my duty to find us a new home and keep the pack safe. Until I can find a safe home far away from those two-legged beasts, I will not sleep.”
Arnora walked up to Lethero and touched her warm tongue to his forehead in a reassuring manner. “Sleep, my dear mate. The pack does not need a leader who deprives himself of sleep till he drops dead. The other males will watch the camp. Please, rest. If not for me then for the pack.”
“You have a persuasive tongue, my dear mate,” Lethero said with a hint of a smile on his snout. “I will sleep this night for the pack. . .and for you.” Lethero placed his tongue on Arnora’s forehead. “Let’s go find the pups and we can all sleep together tonight.”
“Thank you, Lethero. I am sure Erona and Ipo will be glad to see their father again.”
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139,516 Literary Works • 672,595 Reviews
Hi! Sorry for the wait, but I'm critting this like I promised.
I apologize for repeating anything the others have said before me. ^^
I like faded better here. Just randomly saying...
That to there makes it sound like the old-boring because. Blugh. Change it to keeping with a comma in front of it. It makes it sound lovelier. ^_^
You lost me around there, lol.
This is short, sweet, and.. well, sweet. It made me smile.
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
interesting and eerie. i like it. you can imagine everything.
I think its a good idea, but I agree with the others as well: it is a little rough. Read it aloud to yourself and you'll know some things that need to be fixed. ^^
I like the idea of the story so far, especially since I don't read many things where a wolf is the main character. But you do need to go over it and fix typos and other things that people have said before me, so I know you're probably tired of hearing it so I won't repeat anything just that you should go back and fix somethings.
This sentence confused me. Well, not confused, but it was awkward, and that's not the best way to start something. Try reading it out loud to yourself a few times, and see if you notice what I mean.
This should be the start of a new line, I believe.
Okay, first of all, have you ever read the book, The Sight by David Clement-Davis? Because this excerpt screams of it so far. (of course, I think that whenever I read anything where the story is from the perspective of wolves...) Not that that's a bad thing, just so long as you make it your own.
Second of all, Absynthe was incorrect. A male wolf will not kill the baby males. Wolves are very much pack animals, and above all else they value the lives of their cubs, male or female, because if they killed all the baby males, how would the pack continue. No, instead only the dominant male and female are allowed to mate in most cases.
I suggest that in order for you to get your information straight, try avoiding what other people tell you about wolf rituals unless they have either studied wolves or are experts. I have studies wolves, but not in depth, and it was a while ago. What you should do is research like crazy. Read every book you can on wolves, maybe go to the zoo, talk to some people, anything just to make it as believable as possible.
Lastly, this was too short to judge on many things, such as plot development and characterization. So far, it's all two-dimensional, but as time goes on I'm sure you'll get a better grasp of your characters.
Keep up the good work,
-JC
It's an interesting idea and I would like to see you develop it more. I find writing about animals can be a little dodgy and I agree with Azila when she said that you have to be careful to take their natural behaviour into account. But once you take care of that it could prove to be an excellent story. It has a kind of eeri atmosphere to it, shrouded in mistique. Are you going to continue with it? If so I will look out for the next installment.
-Nitpicks-
Repetition of "the young." Maybe try saying "the pups" or something, the second time?I think you mean to say "the others."
I think you mean to say "chased."
I think you mean to say "female who."
__________________________
-Overall-
I think you need to make it a bit clearer that these are wolves, not people. Right now I feel like you just made them be wolves for the fun of it, and because you like wolves and because it's convenient make them be wolves... not because it really matters to their personalities or actions. For example:Wolves don't actually smile. I don't know much about the species, but I do know that much. ^_^ Instead, why don't you show us some actions that wolves do when they're happy? Smiling is a human way of showing happiness. Find a more wolfish way.
Also, the dialogue bothered me. I know they're wolves, and you don't really know how to go about a talking wolf, but this old-fashioned, semi-formal, poetic speech can get really annoying. XD
Please don't take this critique too harshly! This piece just needs work, before it could be very good.
PM me if I was unclear about me or you have questions/comments about my crit! Hope this helps.
~Azila~
I really liked it, and ur right, it is really short. Try to avoid saying mate too many times, or using tongues too much. and there is usually only one male wolf in a pack, and he kills baby boys so that he has the female to himself. Overall it was a very nice piece! keep up the good work!!
This is an interesting idea, and well executed. I like it! The other two have picked out the grammar and speeling things, so I'll cut straight to the story line stuff.
I'm not sure if blinded is the right term for this sentance, perhaps dazzled, or something similar. Blinded tones it down, from the feeling of love caused by the fact that his mate is approaching.Try changing this to she, repeating the name so closely together isn't necessary unless you have two female, or two males talking. therefore you can change it to she/her and the same with Lethero can become he/him/his etc.
this isn't a very strong first sentance. The introduction is what grabs the readers attention, and keeps them interested, you havn't quite done this. I was drawn in by the fact that he was talking about his wolves, but that was about it, i didn't actually get the feeling that tis was going to be a good read, I was only interested in the ideas. You need to make the reader feel that they are going to enjoy reading your words, and feel drawn into the story. try using description, or metaphors/similes, anything that will make the reader more interested.
The personification in this is very good, as you've given them human charactoristics while stil showing that it isnon a wolf's body, fo example many would have said that it was on his face, but you've made sure that it is obvious that this is an animal, well done.
I like this, I hope you continue it, and I hope that you take notice of what I've said. PM me please when you've written the next piece, I really want to see where you're going with this.
I liked it 4 the sense of homeliness...
could you make this make sense… maybe “after they were chased from their territory”… etc
space between “female” and “who”
you say this twice, maybe use another term of endearment
other than that, lovely. Short and sweet, I might want to go find the rest of this now. Well done.
It seems a little rough, you should read through it once or twice before posting to try and catch those simple mistakes ( e.g. 'sleepless night after the they were' 'beautiful femalewho passed' ).
Other than that, i think this extract is pretty good
The dialogue creates a kind of eerie, expectant atmosphere, like something big is about to happen.
Good job.
Kadie x