Published February 21, 2007
Chapter 2
When Nasaru woke up by the light shining in his room he left it and went to the eating area. “Sleep good last night?” asked Gano.
“Yes. Replied Nasaru, “When we leaving for the market today?”
“When you eat and we get everything ready.” replied Gano. When Nasaru finished his oats he went out to the smokehouse and took out some of the fish they caught to sell and went to the shed to see if they needed anything else.
When they got to town Nasaru was surprised when his father handed him some sheins, “Here take ten sheins and get some sweets or something nice will I go through the market and sell some of the fish and get what we need for the next few months.” said Gano.
With a look of amazement Nasaru took the sheins and said, “Thanks!” and ran into the crowded market.
While in town Nasaru spent half of his sheins to buy a honey comb, which is rare on his island since they had no bees. Then he met some of his friends.
“So, how you and your father holding-up out there in that tiny shack of yours?” said one of his friend, Kimo.
“Fine,” replied Nasaru. “Me father is probably in the market getting some food for the upcoming month.”
“Ah, that’s a woman’s job.” replied his other friend, Sarrow.
“Shut up,” said Kimo in a urgent whisper. “You know he ain’t got no mother.”
“Ah, it’s okay don’t remember her any ways,” replied Nasaru. “I don’t even know what it’s like to have one any way.”
“Hey any one want to go visit Haso the Smith?” asked Sarrow.
“Sure” replied Kimo and Nasaru. So the made their way to the smith in the center of town. It wasn’t a big house, but it had enough room to hold a forge and a living quarter. Haso had no kids but Nasaru and his friend liked got over there and see if Haso will try his newly forged stuff.
When they reached Haso’s smith they didn’t here the usual pounding of hammer on hot metals or the hiss of hot metals touching cold water. They stepped near the door and Kimo called out. But there was no answer.
They looked at each other with worried expressions on their faces. “Do you think he’s sick?” asked Nasaru
“That tough old horse nah, he couldn’t be,” said Kimo.
“I remember when he broke his arm, but he still kept on working against the healers request,” remarked Sarrow.
“Want to go in see if he’s alright?” Asked Kimo.
“Yes.” the other two replied.
When they entered the house and found it in ruins. The fire in the forge was out, hammers scattered on the floor, anvils knocked over, some of the stuff he made strewn on the floor bent and some badly chipped. And there on the only table not knocked over was a paper with the seal of the king.
Nasaru picked it up and read:
“By order of the great and only king of the great Kingdom Kano, Sherako. Has ordered of the imprisonment of Mister Haso Jova for high treason against the his kingdom. He shall be judged by the one and only king and be sentenced to death or prison.
Officer of the Tera,
Sir Faro Nako
Ordered by the one and only King,
Sherako the Second”
“Why would they arrest Mr. Haso, he couldn’t commit treason even if he tried,” remarked Kimo. “He’s just a smith, he has no reason to do treason.”
“Maybe the king go the wrong man,” Said Sarrow, “and he’ll be back tomorrow good as new telling us what the king’s palace is like.”
“Way, maybe.” replied Nasaru. “I should go find me father. He should be almost done.” Both his friends said bye and he left the destroyed smithy.
Nasaru found his father on the road leading out of town. When he reached his father Nasaru said, “Haso the Smith was taken away by the king for some kind of treason.”
When Nasaru said that his father had a worried look and asked, “Are you sure it’s treason son and not taxes or theif?”
“Yes,” replied Nasaru with a quizzical look and added, “It said by order of the king for imprisonment Mister Haso Javo for high treason against the king. What sort of treason could Haso commit?”
“I d..don’t know son,” replied Gano, “I just don’t know.” But Nasaru knew his father was lying.
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139,622 Literary Works • 672,631 Reviews
This is a somewhat awkward chapter due to the typos and grammar errors. Run it through the spell check and it will be easier to digest.
I also agree with the others about variety, etc..
Chapter suggestions:
The Forge's Revelation
Shards of the Picture
The Note (plain. I know.)
My personal favorite of the chapter suggestions are "The Guilty Innocent" and "Shards of the Picture".
~Ink/Sumi
You should make two sentences out of all of these:
By doing this is all of these sentences, its wont seem so much that the sentence is dragging on.
Add the quotation mark.
"Anyways" is one word.
I don't think that you need "anyway" here again.
These two sentences you can make into one.
This sentence was confusing at first and I had to read it a couple of times through before I finally got it. Try rewording it.
You can make these two sentences into one also.
Take "And" out of the beginning of the sentence and start it with "There".
You don't need the quotation at the beginning of this.
Try this for this sentence :
"He said goodbye to both his friends..."
I agree with DarkLight about the proof reading, and having more variety. Maybe when you proof read you can pick up on the places that need more work. Also using more variety will make your story more interesting. Another thing that I noticed is you don't use a lot of description. The description of the "smith" was good but also apply this to the characters. What do they look like. It would also help make this story more interesting is to describe the places that they go, like the hut they live in, and the market. Overall I found this very interesting. Tell me when your posting more, I would love to read it! Keep it up!
Errr, can you please proof read this (by reading aloud or to a friend/family member) and correct some of the typos. Also, run a spell check (which you can do whilst posting). Once you've done this I'll do a proper critique!
Until then, please change some of the 'said's and give us a bit of variety. You'll make the story far more interesting and you'll engage the reader more.
You also tend to use fairly simple sentence structure which can be ok, but if you really want to impress the reader and liven up the story then try to use commas and use longer sentences.
You punctuation is fine but there are some cases where you miss out bits, the proof read should sort that out.
All in all, it's interesting. Correct some of the more obvious errors and I'll write a full critique. Recommended chapter name: Treason? The Smith's crime? The guilty innocent?
DarkLight