Alpha Galaxy Ch 1

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

The sun shown bright on the mid-afternoon day Topisk. The glare from the buildings blinded Orlam as he looked around the busy city center. It was crowded on every side except in the very middle where a cage stood, and inside these cages were filled with animals: humans. Werewolves stood on each side to drag a human out to be auctioned off to the waiting Werewolves in the crowd.

“And we have auction item number seventy-three,” cried the auctioneer. “A young male, very strong, too. “He lifted the human’s ragged clothing to show off the abs. “Look at those muscles, could be a great beast of burden.” Orlam looked away in disgust. Even though he was a Werewolf, he always found the thought of it sickened him. He walked away with a sick feeling at the bottom of his stomach.

He slowly made his way through the crowd and towards a gray building In it contained his small apartment that he rented with his meager living. The door slid open as he walked through and the elevator opened at the sound of his voice and took him to the floor with his apartment. He walked through the gray hallway without meeting anyone and entered a door that looked like every other except for the number two-twenty-four on a plaque above it. Orlam walked through the door when it opened when he touched it.

His house was not much except for kitchen with all the essentials, a living room with a couch and television, and the room he slept in on most nights. But for tonight he would not sleep, he had something to do, something important. He pulled a note out of his pocket that he read many times over that day when he received it. It simply said:

“Life is going to change for all Werewolves. I need to speak to you, tonight when the moon is high by the Tree of Likon. Signed, The Wolf With Many Faces.”

Orlam knew the note by heart, but The Wolf With Many Faces he knew only by that name. The Wolf was as mysterious as the human behavior. He only meet you when he wanted to, and you could never find him. His nickname suited him well because every time you met him he would look different. Orlam only met him twice before and each time he was different in some way.

Alright, Ash. I'm sorry I held this off, but my teachers swamped me with homework and I still] didn't get it all finished. >_< Anyway, here goes nothin'...or somethin' XD

Last time he meet The Wolf, his fur was black as pitch and he wanted to discuss something with Orlam’s job.

Nothing much, just that the sale prices at the store were slowly going up.

But now, now it was something that concerned the entire Werewolf community.

Was it a new weapon, Orlam thought, or even a revolutionary cure for some of the diseases affecting us.

Or was he just telling me that the prices are because of some big event that’s going to happen.

He left as the moon was cloaking the city with her bright light.

No light shone on the cage, but Orlam could [s]here[/s] hear sounds in there like they were eating something, possibly fruit.

No matter how much Orlam felt sorry for the humans, he never understood how they could stand to eat [s]such thing as[/s] something as ridiculous as fruit when raw meat was even better.

He soon came upon [s]came to[/s] the edge of a vast lake: the Lake of Iroma.

The lake close to the shore was the bluest of any water, but further away where the night took over it was blacker than the deepest cave.

Iroma, an ancient Werewolf leader, fought human savages on the shores and won. [s]So[/s] from that day on, humans have been on the Werewolves’ leashes. A tree was raised in honor of [s]that[/s] battle [s]that[/s] forever [s]was[/s] known as the Battle of Likon.

When he arrived at the tree, there was not a soul to be seen. This didn’t surprise him [s]now[/s] because that was to be expected of The Wolf.

He appeared when he wanted to. [s]But[/s] [s]the[/s] his second meeting with The wolf scared him half to death.

The Wolf came out of the shadows with his pitch black fur walking as silently as a ghost, his paws never making a sound on the ground.

He quickly turned around, and there stood a wolf with fur as white as the snow in mid-winter.

His clothing blacker than the night that was above the water. The Wolf’s face was held stern as he said, “Been a long time, young brother, too long.”

Orlam did his best not to laugh. Even though he had much sympathy towards the humans, the idea of a human revolt was like someone saying that one plus one did not equal two.

“But how can they fight us, they are only dumb beasts?”

I have talked to them, some Werewolves are even on their side.

They need a Werewolf on their side that works at a store to provide food and supplies.

“I'm sorry, Wolf, but I can’t. I can’t risk something like this.”

“I’m sorry to hear that. But can’t you call me Lethero.

He started to walk off, but [s]before[/s] he turned around before he walked into the alley as if he forgot something.

“One more thing. Here’s my address incase you change your mind, but I’m sorry to say I can’t convince you.”

i stated i had only critiqued the first post.
What i meant by the science fiction section, is the whole hightech voice activated tech. and stuff, but thats just my opinion, it all depends on where the story goes. what i intended by "this story conflicts with almost all werewolf story and legend i know" is that it defys the vary definition of werewolfs. arent they part human and only turn into werewolfs in the presence of the full moon. the whole wolf in the day confuses me a bit. wouldnt they just be some sort of sort of super intelegent wolf people then. that would explain the human revolt, because you becaome a werewolf by being bit by one, if they were werewolfs humans would run around trying to inject werewolf saliva into them to become one and escape oppression.

"Last time he meet"
should be
"The last time he met"

"I sorry, Wolf"
should be
"I'm sorry, Wolf"

“I’m sorry to hear that. But can’t you call me Lethero."
should be
“Sorry to hear that. But can’t you call me Lethero?"

This is a very good story, one of my only complaints is that it seems too flat, and too straightforward. Try adding some backstory, subplots, and more developed characters.

Nice and unique too, R. J. Hoffman is just being ridiculous. I mean, come ON, isn't the point to not be cliched? I've avoided doing werewolf or vampire stories because the legends make it too cliched. And by the way, dunno what he's talking about that line "needing more description," it could do with a little less actually. And for the record, I think this belongs in Fantasy. It's greatly overpowered by fantasy elements, I actually don't know where any science comes in.

~Aet

for part one, your line "he always found the thought of it sickened him. He walked away with a sick feeling at the bottom of his stomach." this part is redundant...... you need more description. this story conflicts with almost all werewolf story and legend i know....this seems to be sci fi , you might want to have it moved.

Here is the second half to part 1. Enjoy

Last time he meet The Wolf his fur was black as pitch and he wanted to discuss something with Orlam’s job. Nothing much, just that the sale prices at the store were slowly going up. But now, now it was something that concerned the entire Werewolf community. Was it a new weapon, Orlam thought, or even a revolutionary cure for some of the diseases affecting us. Or was he just telling me that the prices are because of some big event that’s going to happen. He could not wrap his mind around something that big.

He left as the moon was cloaking the city with her bright light. The city was crowded, but not as crowded as it was earlier that day. He managed to walk across the entire square without walking into someone. The cage still stood in the center of the square with the humans inside. No light shone on the cage, but Orlam could here sounds in there like they were eating something, possibly fruit. No matter how Orlam felt sorry for the humans he never understood how they could eat such thing as fruit when raw meat was even better.

He soon came upon came to the edge of a vast lake: the Lake of Iroma. The lake close to the shore was the bluest of any water, but further away where the night took over it was blacker than the deepest cave. Orlam knew the story behind this like every pup growing up. Iroma, an ancient Werewolf leader fought human savages on the shores and won. So from that day on humans have been on the Werewolves’ leashes. A tree was raised in honor of that battle that forever was know as the Battle of Likon. Why The Wolf chose the Tree of Likon was beyond him.

When he arrived at the tree there was not a soul to be seen. This didn’t surprise him now because that was to be expected of The Wolf. He appeared when he wanted to. But the second meeting with The wolf scared him half to death. The Wolf came out of the shadows with his pitch black fur walking as silently as ghost, his paws never making a sound on the ground.

“Hello Orlam,” said a quiet and mysterious voice behind Orlam. He quickly turned around, and there stood a wolf with fur as white as the snow in mid-winter. His clothing blacker than the night that was above the water. The Wolf’s face was held stern as he said, “Been a long time, young brother, too long.”

“So, what’s the ‘important news’ you wish to tell me?” Orlam asked. “The note made it sound urgent.”

“I’ll just cut to the chase since you’ve always been a bit slow,” The Wolf teased. “There’s a group of humans going to lead a revolt.” Orlam did his best not to laugh. Even though he had much sympathy towards the humans, the idea of a human revolt was like someone saying that one plus one did not equal two. “Orlam, I am being serious. They are fully prepared to lead a revolt against us.”

“But how can they fight us, they are only dumb beasts?”

“They’re not as dumb as you think. I have talked to them, some Werewolves are even on their side. They need a Werewolf on their side that works at a store to provide food and supplies. Will you help them?”

“I sorry, Wolf, but I can’t. I can’t risk something like this.”

“I’m sorry to hear that. But can’t you call me Lethero. I will see you around then.” He started to walk off, but before he turned around before he walked into the alley as if he forgot something. “One more thing. Here’s my address incase you change your mind, but I’m sorry to say I can’t convince you.” He handed Orlam a note with a quickly scribbled address and walked off between an alley and the darkness engulfed him.

I enjoyed this. Good job, Jab pretty much covered all the errors. Good job, and keep it up.

-Joel-

He slowly made his way through the crowd and towards a gray building In it contained his small apartment that he rented with his meager living. The door slid open as he walked through and the elevator opened at the sound of his voice and took him to the floor with his apartment. He walked through the gray hallway without meeting anyone and entered a door that looked like every other except for the number two-twenty-four on a plaque above it. Orlam walked through the door when it opened when he touched it.

Orlam knew the note by heart, but The Wolf With Many Faces he knew only by that name. The Wolf was as mysterious as the human behavior. He only meet you when he wanted to, and you could never find him. His nickname suited him well because every time you met him he would look different. Orlam only met him twice before and each time he was different in some way.

This was good. I liked it especially the beginning. Nothing to critique here. Good Job

Hello! Okay first, this was a really good start, although it was a little short. I hope you add more on. Next: this sounds a lot like Planet of the Apes in some parts. But I'm sure you can make this unique some how. The ending was very good; it left me hanging and wanting to read more. All I suggest you fix is the length. But, that's it!

Good job,
Nariel

Hey, Ash! Sweet, I get first dibs!

The sun shown bright on the mid-afternoon day of Topisk.

“A young male, very strong, too.

“Look at those muscles, could be a great beast of burden.”

He walked away with a sick feeling at the bottom of his stomach.

He slowly made his way through the crowd and towards a gray building.

The door slid open as he walked through. [s]and[/s] the elevator opened at the sound of his voice and took him to the floor with his apartment.

Orlam walked through the door when it opened when he touched it.

I need to speak to you, tonight when the moon is high, by the Tree of Likon.

He only [s]meet[/s] met you when he wanted to, and you could never find him.