Hey there!
Just so you know, I have not read the previous chapters- I'm just going off of what's in this one, and trying to keep my critique relevant to that! c:
I thought this was kinda a cute chapter! I love the whole "it's raining out so we're trapped here together, ooooh dearrrr" concept that (I mean it's used fairly often, but I love the feeling of plans cancelled due to rain, and just that lovely feeling of being comfy inside while it pours outside) is in here. It definitely sets a nice tone- but you could honestly play up this vibe a bit more and it would make me feel even MORE squishy. Like, mention Jamie's soaking wet bangs, or have them shiver next to a fire place (I guess most places don't have fire places anymore though ;-; ), they could sip on some hot chocolate before bed, etc. Maybe just some more descriptions of the rain ambience-- or just the environment in general to set the mood of the scene, because I noticed there wasn't a ton of this. And you don't need a lot of description, just the right amount- which is sometimes hard to gauge, but I think this could use a little more.
Another thing I wanted to bring up was the dialogue in here! I think sometimes it doesn't feel as realistic as it could be. And honestly, dialogue is a tough puppy to tame. But here's some things you can do to try to improve dialogue a bit: 1. Read your dialogue out loud, and try to picture someone actually saying it. 2. Listen to how people talk- I know that sounds weird like "Holy, I'm a human that uses language every day- you think I don't listen to people??!" but seriously, listen to how people talk. Listen to people on the bus, in the grocery store, listen to how your family interacts at the dinner table, to how your friends interact at school, etc, etc, etc. You'd be surprised how people actually talk!
The old woman smiled. “Of course. Now, Jamie, take care of Evan please. The boy scares easily. Jumps at the smallest of sounds I tell yo—”
I'm a little surprised at how willing the grandmother is to letting him stay over-- without like, mentioning where Jamie should sleep. I'm assuming here because Evan mentioned he'd come out already, that the grandmother knows- though I suppose he might not have come out to her. But like, if she DOES know, this is like letting your grandson and some girl have a sleep over in the same room if they were heterosexual- so this part seems a little TOO quick on the grandmother's part to let Jamie stay overnight--- in Evan's room.
“So, what do you do in your free time?” the brunette asked.
I get that sometimes when saying character's names for the "he said/she said" stuff, it can sometimes feel like it's being overused. But I feel like it ends up being a little odder when it's something else replacing that. So in this case, "Brunette" and "Redhead" are used instead of their names- and that can be kinda cute- sometimes! But when it's used quite often, it starts looking kind of odd. Whereas, the character's name doesn't get old because the reader realises that it's just being said to help them keep track of who's talking, and they just read right over it and don't give it a second thought. So my advice is to stick to their names, primarily (and if you're dealing with a conversation with people in different sexes, then "he/she said" is also incredibly useful). Trust me, it doesn't get old- people don't really think about dialogue tags, they just want to get to the juicy part of the dialogue itself!
Evan shook his head. “That won’t do,” he replied. “My bed can easily fit two. No guest of mine will be sleeping on the carpet!”
I thought this was a pretty forward thing to say!! It's one thing to offer your bed to your guest, and you go sleep on the floor, but it's another thing entirely to say "Yo, my bed's big enough for the two of us
" when they don't even know each other very well? Like, I even have friends that I wouldn't want to share a bed with, simply because it would be WAY too awkward. So this part just didn't feel very realistic to me. Maybe further into the story, after they get to know each other a bit and are showing more signs of mutually liking each other? But not just like this. Anyway, I thought this was a pretty cool chapter! I think your characters are really sweet! ALSO: April's mood change since her parent's death is interestingly enough, rather accurate! My boyfriend's sister went a similar route after their dad died. She just turned into a really angry, mean person. :/ Which is really sad. Anyway, I hope you continue to write it and have a good time! C: Also I apologise for my rambling!
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