Published November 2, 2011
Never Ending,
Ever bending,
The sky encircles our world.
Never failing,
Ever sailing,
Her wonders are unfurled:
The bearer of lights
On darkest nights,
The sky never sleeps.
The throne of the sun,
'til day is done,
Around our earth she creeps.
The joy of the birds,
Her beauty is beyond words...
Rain man reaps,
When e'er she weeps...
In a circlet around her ebony hair,
She wears a swathe of milky stars.
She holds in her hand the wonder of the planets:
Jupiter, Venus, and Mars.
She dons a veil of elegance,
Sometimes silver-gray;
Or often a gown of gentle blue,
On a lovely Summer day.
Watching us in life always,
Her awesome, silky vastness,
The sky goes on in a watery haze,
Most surely and truly endless...
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140,563 Literary Works • 673,441 Reviews
'On a lovely Summer day.' Shouldn't it be 'On a lovely Summer's day'? Also, I wish there weren't as many spaces between the stanzas, I think it breaks it up to much.
Great work!
'The joy of the birds
Her beauty is beyond words'
The rhythm in the second line is really stuttery, because there's to many syllables. And also, when you say 'awesome' in the last stanza, it gives the whole poem a much to modern feel, because 'awesome' is just one of those words that's thrown around every day.
Apart from those things, the poem had a beautiful, elegant feel to it, and the words you chose were brilliant. I loved when you said 'She wears a swathe of milky stars', that really forms a picture in your mind. And I loved how you made the sky sound like a real living being, by saying 'she' instead of 'it'. The rhymes were great, and apart from that one hitch, the rhythm was great. It flowed perfectly. I love the ending! Really summed the whole thing up
-Anna
A round of applause. *applause*
Now, for the review. *drumroll*
The double spacing between stanzas, not really necessary. Lovely touch but not needed.
Love the mixed of old English with modern English, for some new modern writers might kinda or will get confused.
Or, I'm getting confused.
Anyways, its a very fine piece of work.
I bet you wrote this while lying down on grass and looking at the sky huh?
I do that all the time.
I simply love it.
Keep at it!
ER