Your smile fades into a frown
Her eyes are turned down
Lifes all going wrong tonight
Dreams have got you tossing and turning
You have mental photographs burning
In your mind
Now leave them all behind
I See the shadows on your skin
looks like it’ll win
and you cant see past the flaws
Breaking down and taking nothing to start
The sight you pulls the strings of my heart
I cant look at you
Without seeing through your eyes
Into your broken soul
Reaching out for help
Pushing it away
I cant watch you live like this
For another day
A snake is living in your spine
Intertwining all your actions
Your loss is causing all these
horrible reactions
And your…
Breaking down and taking nothing to start
The sight you pulls the strings of my heart
You cant go on
But There’s nothing wrong
With you
Your perfect
You’re a shining star
You could go oh so far
Just take my hand
Follow my lead
I’ll show you what we see
I’ll show you what you need.
Because your…
Breaking down and taking nothing to start
The sight you pulls the strings of my heart
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,836 Reviews
hi im gonna try and review your song im not that good
sorryy
Your smile fades into a frown
Her eyes are turned down - i think this line should be longer like one word maybe just put upside infront of the down
Lifes all going wrong tonight
Dreams have got you tossing and turning
You have mental photographs burning
In your mind
Now leave them all behind - i think this should just be "Leave them nehind"
I See the shadows on your skin
looks like it’ll win - i think this is confusing what will win?
and you cant see past the flaws
Breaking down and taking nothing to start
The sight you pulls the strings of my heart - should this be the sight of you pulls the strings of my heart
I cant look at you
Without seeing through your eyes -i dont think this verse bit fits in if you could find another line that rhymes with eyes or soul it would work
Into your broken soul
Reaching out for help
Pushing it away
I cant watch you live like this
For another day - i think this all totally works
A snake is living in your spine -very creative
Intertwining all your actions
Your loss is causing all these
horrible reactions
And your…
Breaking down and taking nothing to start
The sight you pulls the strings of my heart- just again change it to the sight of you
You cant go on
But There’s nothing wrong
With you
Your perfect
You’re a shining star
You could go oh so far - this is really sweet
Just take my hand
Follow my lead
I’ll show you what we see
I’ll show you what you need.
Because your…
Breaking down and taking nothing to start
The sight you pulls the strings of my heart i think all the rest is good
i told you i was shit st reviews
Hey Leslie ^^ Shina here for a revieww
The second line needs another syllable because it breaks the flow.
Lives is spelled with a "v", I'd also change the tense and wording to:
"All lives going wrong tonight."
It flows better.
Third line is too short. Breaks the flow.
Remove "all" in hte last line.
lowercase "see"
Needs another syllable, break it'll into "it will"
O_O what does this even mean? I think you meant to say
"You pull the strings of my heart"
I like this stanza ^^ but can't needs an apostrophe.
I'd suggest adding "then" in the beginning so it has another syllable.
I'd suggest removing "I" to delete a syllable.
You're repeating this line and the grammar is wrong.
"You pull the strings of my heart"
------------
Overall: Nice idea, slightly cliche, but you added your own twists here and there. Work more on some imagery and more colorful vocabulary because I couldn't get an image. Also work on your grammar and spell "can't" with an apostrophe.
-Shina
Hi Leslie! I'm Antigone and I'll be your reviewer for today! ^_^
So this part bothered me because you're changing your meter -- four lines, three lines.
This changes your rhyme scheme, and it won't be as pleasing to the ear.
The first two lines of the second stanza seem a bit wordy, like it would be hard to say them all in one line.
Erm... I don't really understand this line.
Did you mean the sight of you?
This part was a bit corny, mostly because I've heard it all before.
This is kinda contradictory. So, you're yelling at this person for screwing up their life, but know you're singing their praises? Weird. xD
This is a good start!
Good luck,
Antigone