Published November 2, 2010
What I dread the most,
Is forgetting about you
When I've left this school.
I won't be going far,
But to me, we'll be worlds away.
I'll lie on my new bed,
Sipping cold tea,
Writing wild entries
Into my nearly empty diary,
Smearing the ink
With wasted tears.
Grief-stricken,
Like a crazed teen,
I'll scream furious profanities
Into my pillow.
I'll kick books that sit in piles,
Clothes that haven't
Been put away yet.
What if I forget what your
Voice sounds like?
Or worse, if I'm unable to
Remember your face?
Your stupid, mindless jokes,
Your deep, husky laugh.
Perhaps, what will hurt more,
Is what I won't forget.
Your maturity and sincerity
The respect and courtesy
I could always expect.
It's like you understood me,
Before you even knew me.
You cheered me up,
With your smile,
Your sweet, kind comments,
And made a gloomy school day
Seem less daunting.
That showed me exactly
How it feels
To be admired unconditionally,
In this vast, changing world.
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Canary word: Present
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140,600 Literary Works • 673,549 Reviews
Oh dear god...:O
Wait till school tomorrow :O :O
And seeing as you're admitting to lobing the kevster so mucho mucho..I suppose i'll have to admit something too..about a certain....ghoul.....lash...
Thank you, Tariq Muhammad, for the review, I appreciate it very much. I understand what you mean by the 'possibly mistaken non-mistakes' and I will make some changes. Again, thanks, I am grateful for your kind, encouraging comments.
Leonie.
Yeah, it must have taken you ages to write out all those GEORGES'. Not that you didn't enjoy it Chynel..........As for KEVIN, I give no comment.
)
I think you know what i mean...............................And if you don't....well, you'll find out later.
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My work here is done.
This poem was easily a like. I'd say that it probably deserves four and a half stars. Little mistakes were made, I detected none at all, but some things that could easily be mistaken as mistakes (if that makes any since at all). I completely understand you point the way you portrayed it and I also understood the relevance of it.
As far as the possibly mistaken non-mistakes, here is a list of them you can go over. Through out the poem you used the word "i" instead of "I" a lot, noticeable in the 1st, 4th, and 5th paragraphs of the poem. Something else I noticed if that you end a lot of your lines with a ",". Some might say its the wrong way to write poetry. I'd just say it's a very unique way, nut there truly isn't a right or wrong way to write Free-Verse Poetry (With as many poets as there are today, you'll have your own work separate from others).
I liked the overall story and direction the poem went in. It wasn't extremely long and difficult understand like most poems I've read (Mine) are. It was fairly short, sweet, and easy to understand. I was able to follow it smoothly and didn't have to read it twice to understand exactly what it all meant.
Overall as I stated above, with just a little trimming maybe, not to much, this poem could be ready for the books or even in a newspaper. It definitely has the potential to be a great piece of literature if you push it in all the right directions.
From Yours Truly,
Fellow Writer: Tariq Muhammad