The night had fallen over the poor boy like a great raven. There was not a star to guide him, nor a moon to light his journey, but his trek had to continue. He and his people could not afford a rest for sleep, drink, or food. Cain found himself running through the dark forest with the ferocity of a starved wolf chasing his prey.
The bare trees of fall forced a wicked chill up his spine. If there were something he was joyous of, it was would be the lack of rain or snow. Yes, he was running for his life, but rather than focusing on the negative, he clung his mind to what could be called his advantages.
The sounds of shouts could be heard a ways behind him, adding to the howl of the hounds that nipped at his legs. If he got pulled to the ground, there would be no mercy for a spy like himself. Hope filled his heart as he sprinted over yet another hill to see the castle of his king, and the faint lanterns lighting the city walls.
The snarl of a dog behind him brought him back into focus. Cain bolted down the hillside; his legs were burning with the pain of hours of running. Maybe this was it… He might not live another day, another day to reach adulthood, for tomorrow marked his sixteenth year. The path narrowed, bare branches closing in overhead. His short stature would be what saved him from the infinite scratches that tortured the men behind him, plowing through the thick foliage. He was able to keep his eyes on his footing, able to avoid mischievous roots that would send him to the ground to be torn by the merciless fangs of hounds.
Seconds passed like years, the pants, snarls, and barks of the hellhounds (as his townspeople called them) became closer, and closer.
This is it. Cain’s eyes were watering. This isn’t- this isn’t fair! He let the tears fall as memories of his family came to mind.
He recalled with hatred and anguish building in him. He was sparring with his brother for the rebellion soon to be. His father was watching with a smile on his face as his sons practiced their swordsmanship. The sound of metal striking metal resounded for a league around, but they did not care, for they worked on their farm, far from the city itself. There was no worry of threats, danger… blood.
The memories slowed as the sounds of shouts filled the air and the bloodthirsty hounds leapt from the dark forest that surrounded their home. The father’s proud smile melted into an expression of terror and worry. He shouted, “Run!”. Cain as well as Jacob, his brother, hesitated to abandon their father, but ran for the city, opposite the direction of the intruders. Cain looked back to see the vicious teeth of the dogs sink into his father’s thigh.
Cain came back to and noticed the passage of time and distance, despite the hounds gaining ground, he was nearing the gate, the light getting brighter and brighter as it became closer and closer. I might make- a hound caught his leg, bringing him to the cold forest floor.
Cain turned to see his brother brought to the ground. Tears filled both their eyes. “Jacob!” Cain was about to attack the dogs to save his brother.
“Cain! Go!” a hound ripped at his neck, delivering his death quickly, blood dripping from the remnants of his twin brother, and best friend. Cain turned and ran through the thick forest with the knowledge that his brother saved him, died for him.
Rage filled his veins as he rolled his body to grip the dogs neck and twist it violently. “You killed my family… I will murder you!” He ripped the dagger from it’s socket and turned to fight off the horde of hellhounds.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
This was my first story, I wrote it in thirty minutes, it was merely practice on how "descriptive" I could be (that was the main goal).
Lavender caught it: Cain is stupid. (He will die for his revenge and immature rage). His brother did not try and "fight", but he could not outrun the dogs. I thought the part of the father was rather heroic and father-like... But whatever you think...
@confetti: I figured I could write this in a word doc (in which the italics were set perfectly), but I had to edit about 10 times before I got this version up, because when I tried to copy and paste it in here all the italics were gone... So I apologize for the inconvenience and EXTREMELY unnecessary confusion. OH AND if you want to put italics on more than one paragraph, you can't... I learned that the hard way. (I was thoroughly pissed at this website after posting this.)
Hi there Leo! First off, welcome to YWS! It's awesome here.
Alright, so what you have here really feels like an excerpt from some really adventurous novel - maybe from a fantasy world. I'm not sure, it's up to you, but what I'm trying to get at is that this has the potential to be much longer. Like, if you wanted, you could use this in creation of a novella or novel.
Also, either way, I think this short story has to be longer. It's rather confusing at first because we don't really know much about this Cain and his family let alone why the hell-hounds are chasing him in the first place. I know the lack of information was probably intentional on your side but we really need more as the audience so we can develop a sense of sympathy or pity for Cain. If that's what you want. But I'm thinking you want the reader to feel sorry for Cain now that both his father and brother are dead.
However, I think Cain is stupid. I'm sorry, but he kind of is. And so is his father and Jacob. I mean, Jacob and his father did have the chance to run away but they wanted to be heroic and that obviously failed them. It's kind of bizarre that they didn't want. In this case, selflessness goes nowhere. And when Cain turns to fight the hell-hounds, it's like Oh my god, you're not going to be a hero. If [your dad and brother perished while trying to fight off the hell-hounds, it's not going to be any different for you. Honesty, Cain's dumb if he thinks he can overtake them even on the adrenaline that's coursing through him.
It's hardly realistic - I think that's what I'm trying to get at. Everyone wants their protagonist to be so awesome and heroic, but, frankly, it doesn't happen have the time. When one is trying to write a decent character, you need faults and some really human traits. Sometimes you may not like you character all the time, but that's life.
However, if you insist that Cain fight these bloodthirsty dogs, you might want to write more for this short story, give us a background. Is there a real reason besides heroic selflessness that prompted Jacob and the father to give their lives for Cain? Is there a special reason why Cain must live? Like, he's the messenger for something or a part of some ancient prophecy? You have to elaborate or else people, like me, will think the father, Jacob and Cain are all really, really stupid and dumb. Sorry, but that's the way it goes.
There is potential and I think you know it. It's just about trying to show your story in the right light otherwise your characters and plot won't be much liked by your audience.
If you have any questions about this review, don't hesitate to shoot me a PM or drop me a line on my wall.
Yours,
Lavvie
There really isn't anything to nitpick, this is written really well. Just this:
The italics were memories, am I right? But I feel like there's a part you forgot to italicize because I was a bit confused at some points.
This part, I didn't really understand what had just happened. Maybe it's just me, but maybe you could explain it to me a bit?
I don't like this for an ending. Not what happened, just the way you portrayed it. The dialogue seems awkward and forced.
But overall I really enjoyed this! Hope the review helped