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Unnamed Until Further Notice

by LenaRose


My lips pursed as I came around the corner. He was sitting as close as he could be to the glass, pressing his hands up against the spotless pane. As he removed his hands, smudges of grease were left. Disgusting. I didn’t like this unofficial ritual. Looking at each other, examining each other’s facial expressions. I know he’s trying to make me guilty. I was just doing my job, I told him once, like the rest of us. I entered the key into the lock and turned until I heard a familiar click. He knew not to challenge me. He turned his back to the door, his hands placed behind him for me to tie. His wrists were still raw from yesterday. That sour tinge of regret, repressed, as I wrap the cord thrice around his arms, pulling tighter each time, until knotting. He follows me through the corridor, as I take in that hospital scent. Bright floors scrubbed until they shine. The white walls, turned cream with age. Everything was in its place, as it should be.

We’re encouraged not to engage with patients. So most days, finding what room we’ve been assigned is done in silence, with the occasional violent outburst, which is to be expected. He was so desperate. Yet he knew there was nothing to be done. We take a sharp left, my heels squeak. I roll my eyes, turn back around, and repeat my mistaken step. All is done with purpose. I see smoke come out from under a beige door, no one’s ever been this close to his unit before. Keeping my gaze away from the door, I shuffle my feet through the rest of the hallway, before splitting off into another left.

“How many others are there?” he asks as more of a statement than a question.

I straighten my back before turning around, “I may not disclose that information to you.”

He flicks his gaze upwards, “You’ve never told me that before.”

“We must keep walking.” I whisper, as I flip back into my original stance.

He tugs me back by the tail of my blouse, “Why am I here? You owe me an explanation. You know you do,” his face begins to turn red, losing his composure, as he chokes out the last syllables.

My eyes narrow, “You mustn't treat me that way,” flecks of saliva land on his face, “-you know what what my job is.”

His eyes widen a bit, before he retreats back to his expressionless demeanor, “That’s the one thing I do know.”

I take a moment to cool down, tucking the unruly pieces of hair behind my ear, “It is all you need to know. You are doing your part.”

His eyes are beginning to glaze over. He looks so innocent. His cotton shirt tattered and browned. Scars litter his body. He had a life before this, why- why would I do this to him? What had he done wrong? No. I will not question the motives of those who are pure. I must take part in the rehabilitation of mankind.

My shoes make a clacking sound as a I step, in contrast to the patting of his bare feet. Our door; I chuckle. It’s blue today, my favorite color.

“Please,” his voice trembles. It’s almost as if he’s a child again.

“I-” my voice cracks, “I’m sorry,” I touch my hand to his face.

“You are not helping human lives. How could the solution be to bring pain and hurt,” his words began to blur, “You know I’m right- please.”

What a pleasant thought. It would be a miracle if I knew what was right. I hit him. He falls to the ground and stays there. “I am vital; to our success.” I annunciate each letter vehemently.

As I slip my card into the port, I see him in the glossy exterior of the door. He touches his face lightly, pulling back as he winces. The shape of my hand begins to bubble on the surface of his reddened skin.I step back as the door slides open, revealing the unwelcoming room inside.

“Get up,” I command. He’s motionless with his head tilted towards the ground. “Get up,” I ram the point of my foot into his rib cage, he grunts.

My pulse quickens. I can feel my muscles tense. Grasping his ankle, I yank him into the harsh light. I can hear the door seal with a brief rush of air, the rustle of fabric, that low ringing in my ears. Turning my head, I see him lifting one leg on top of the other, leaving them in a crossed position. He stretches his spine upwards releasing several audible cracks. I bend down onto my knees and extend each of my fingers around his neck. He begins to gasp for air, I press harder. To torment those who are unloyal. A high honor, a crucial one. I can only see the whites of his eyes now, he lifts his arms before bringing them back down with a thump, perhaps in an effort to save himself. I pull back slowly, letting go as he sputters out a disarray of coughs. Brushing off my skirt, I stand back up and watch him. Pathetic. I hoist him up onto the table. Clean steel, heated by the electric base it’s sat upon. I wait, eyeing the transparent tube that runs across the wall and down to a spout planted a few feet away from the table. Any second now, I think to myself. I put on a disposable mask;that sickly bluish green color that makes me squeamish; taking in a deep breath of cheap plastic.

I hear a sudden woosh, right on time. Reaching blindly to the spout, I pick up a piece of feathery paper. My heart skips a beat as I open the folded parchment. No matter how many times I do it I never get used to the shock. I take another mask, adjusting it over his eyes. I can’t stand staring at those eyes.

“Begin,” I say clearly.

The surrounding lights dim, substituted by a warm crimson glow, shot out in one clean ray directly above the table. My gloves snap on. It’s like a game. The first move is always hardest, but we must continue from there.“What do we have here?” I mumble to myself.

I pick up a clear vial. I bite down on my lip, popping the lid off with my thumb. Odorless. Devoid of color. Yet I know it isn’t harmless. I swish the liquid in circles, watching as it froths up before settling back down, cringing at the thought of doing anything with it.

I set the vial above a magnetic plate, it floats in a polished metal ring.

“I forgot to remove your bindings. Please sit up,” I nudge him gently.

His back arches before returning rigidly, like the bending of a ruler. I pull up a stool behind me, keeping my eyes on him, and sit down.

I tap on the table twice forcefully, “Requesting clearance for removing ties.”

The light above the table briefly flashes green. A drawer opens on my right side, containing a small serrated knife. I pluck it out of the drawer, which slams with a thud. Sawing through the cord, our skin rubs together. Cold to the touch with a thin layer of sweat, I shiver. Hearing the last break of fabric, I set the knife onto the edge of the table, ordering him to lay back in his original spot. I fasten his arms into the cuffs.

I gently slide the vial out of its protective ring, making sure not to spill. I tilt it slightly over his forearm. A drop hangs on to the rim of the glass. I watch as it is forced to fall, staining his skin. His teeth clench, his arms pull in the restraints. I hear the sizzle of his flesh, as the liquid burns away. Steam drifts off of the newly formed wound, shifting in the direction opposite of the air vent.

I must use the remaining elixir sparingly. I push another droplet onto the table. Unreactive. Only effective on human skin, acidic properties. I look back over to the wound, it’s begun to swell dramatically. The table vibrates. A feeling I’ve been accustomed to, signifying that I have thirty minutes remaining. I turn his arm to the other side and make a slit in his skin, two inches in length. The knife cuts through smoothly. As I draw it out, it brings a red film. I grace the blade with a few more drops of the elixir and press it back into the slit, cutting deeper into the flesh. He yells in agony, revealing beet red gums. He pulls and twists and turns. Just as before, the affected flesh begins to swell and burn. But where is most effective? I sit, staring at the vial. A thought occurs to me-an excruciating thought- but a thought nonetheless.

“Open your mouth,” I remark. He hesitates, before acting on my command, “Don’t move.”

My hand quivers as I hold the vial over his face, a drop falls down, “I’m sorry-I’m sorry.”

He blocks a scream still keeping his mouth open. I can see his mask dampening over his eyes. I place my hand over my mouth and pour the remaining solution down his throat. He wretches and gags. He bangs his hands down on the table. I step back in horror as he thrashes violently. His movements slow. His struggle becomes less apparent, he gasps for unattainable breath. The inside of his gullet is still festering.

“No. No no no,” my tongue feels like it swelled. I rip off his mask and slap his face, “Come on- wake up,” my voice croaks.

I unfasten his restraints and pull him off the table. His dead weight seems to run through my fingers. Blood runs from his forearm onto my wrist. Whatever solution was still left, leaves scorching burns traveling up the entirety of my arm.

I drop him and slam my fist onto the table, “Sterilization-” my voice cuts off.

I can feel it eating away at my flesh. Something I had only experienced second hand. The center of the table descends downwards into the base. Up comes a white foam center. I pull him back onto the table. His face is blue, I open his eyes, only seeing red lines traveling to the back of his skull.

I pound the table again, “Start you damn thing. Begin! Begin!”

A glass border rises around him, meeting in the middle, a few inches above his face. The border is now translucent, clouded by steam. The water rinses him A machine hums, scanning his body. Two metal arms pull out of a compartment in the table one brandishing a thick needle and the other what looks like to be gauze. I hear a hollow thump as the needle pushes through his chest. It pulls out just as quickly, the other metal appendage swooping in with the gauze. Plates rise on his left and right side locating themselves on his chest. It administers several electric shocks.

I wait. The building seems to wait with me. I tap on the glass, my finger breaks the sheet of condensation. His mouth opens slightly. Blood is smudged on the inside of his lip. He gags.

“Thank god.” My shoulders relax.

He breathes shakily, “You-” he pauses to cough, “-are godless.”

I let out a sigh and tap on the table, “Repair.”

This room is a wonder. Coded to absolute perfection. Not a surprise of course, we have been given the best. Metal arms sew together his skin, each seam laid with care. Another attachment spritzes his wounds. The coating sets. It’ll be ready to peel away the dead tissue in an hour. Only scars will be left. Advancement is the only way for a society to thrive. A small glass comes up from the base of the table, full of an opaque liquid.

“Drink it.” I say mindlessly. If he treats me as a monster, I will act as such.

The drink slips down his throat, he puckers, “So; when’d you become one of the government’s leeches?”

I sit back in my stool, eyeing my burns, “You know very well how important I-and the work I’m doing- is.”

His forehead creases, “Yeah. Good luck with that.”

How can he manage to be sarcastic in a situation like this? “I’m leaving. I’ll send someone to bring you back to your unit.”

“You mean my cell?”

This idiot seems to challenge me more in a glass box than when he’s free, “Enjoy the rest of your day.” I smile sweetly.

As soon as the door shuts behind me my posture loosens. I let down my hair with the pull of a pencil. The hallway becomes thinner. The first door; much sleeker than my patient’s stand in front of me. I punch in my four digit code, it opens, blending in flawlessly with the rest of the frame. Another minute of walking, the next door being in sight the whole time. I swipe my key card. That bright flash of green eases my mind. The third door is not more than five feet away from the second. Voice recognition. I shout a series of numbers, followed by my patient’s name, never to be said outside of the facility. Open, finally. I run through the open space, littered with people. If I dropped a piece of trash in here someone would have a stroke. I run on the needlessly slippery floors, cutting through all the people, who look almost like mannequins. As soon as I leave the door my nerves are instantly calmed.

I lie down grasping the grass beneath me. The wind carries the smell of pine trees, much preferred to the sterile stuffy air I had just escaped from. I forgot to check in. I hoist my unwilling body up and back into the large building, more glass than anything else. Up a lengthy staircase deprived of a railing, for the purpose of being aesthetically pleasing. Now aesthetically pleasing it was, with cool grey stone and speckles of black, but not conventional in the slightest. I tip-toe my way up the stairs, past a few people and up to the first office. I lean over and twist my hair back up with the pencil.

I knock on the door lightly. It’s opened before I can knock a second time.

“Hello,” a voice says cooly.

“Hello,” I take a small step into the room, “Where are you?”

“Behind the door,” the voice laughs.

“Oh,” I match the laughter while stepping further. The door shuts, matching a figure to the voice. A burly man, with crinkles around his eyes. He sits behind a black desk I can see my reflection in.

“I’m-”

“I know who you are. I’ve been told we expect great things from you.” he smiles.

“Oh. Thank you. I’m here to give-”

“Your report, yes, go on.” I’m worried if his face got stuck in that toothy grin.

“Yes. The patient. I think we should- I think we should release him from such an intensive treatment.”

“Now why would we want to do that?” he inquires, his voice gruff.

“I was giving him the new treatme-”

“Ah yes, serum 76A. Was that successful for you?”“I suppose so. It’s just that I think it’s too severe-” his forehead creases, “-he’s just been through so much.”

“Are you beginning to sympathize with him?”

“Of course not. I just think that he is beneficial for other treatment studies. He has become hard to work with,” my words blur together into one string.

“Why didn’t you just say so?” back again to his broad grin, “Patients are notorious for being difficult. Don’t come in tomorrow, the problem shall be dealt with. Now; regarding the serum?”

“It has proved to be very effective. I’ll submit a full report by Tuesday,” the words roll of my tongue, but I can’t seem to figure out how they got there.

“Excellent! And I have a feeling that after you submit it-” he lowers his voice, “-they’ll be a raise in pay,” he speaks in a cartoonish manner.“Thank you.” I turn to go.“What is that?” he says accusingly.

I look down at my arm, covering it with my hand, “Nothing.”

He’s standing now, “The serum. What did he do?”“He did nothing. I’m leaving now. I’ll stop by the medical center on the way home.”

He appears next to me, grabbing my burns, “Let me go.”

“I can have that taken care of as soon as possible,” he turns over my palm, kissing the back of my hand.

“Get off me.” my voice stays low, but I treat the sentence as I would with a patient.

He takes a step back, appalled. I run out the door, and down the absurd stairs. I finally catch my breath when I’m back on the grass. I take off my flats when I’m under a beautiful oak tree. I climb up and sit in a nook. The bark is rough against my bare feet. Golden light drips through the leaves. The leaves still are still wet from last night’s rain. I wish I didn’t have to be here. And be doing this. I close my eyes.

“What are you doing up there?” a bodiless voice says.

I keep my eyes close, soaking up the sun, “Honestly, whoever the hell you are, I could not care less about you.” “Well that’s rude,” the voice still sounds cheery.

“That’s my speciality.” I don’t even bother to look at them.

My eyes stay closed for a few minutes but when I open them hours have passed. My arms are covered with goose bumps. My breath puffs into white clouds in the air. I hop down from the tree and stumble back to my weary home. It isn’t very far away. They picked one closest to the facility. I jiggle the lock, realizing I forgot my keys inside. Great. I finally get in, with the assistance of an open window. Just as blank and desolate as I left it.

I slide my skirt down my legs and unbutton my top, changing into an oversized old t-shirt. I unleash my ocean of curls with the pull of that lucky pencil. I eat a vile pre-cooked meal. Its steam burns my nose as I sit over it unceremoniously. My mattress perfectly contours to my back. Every aspect of my home is engineered to be perfect for me. With my track record, if it wasn’t that way someone would be fired. No matter how much I surround myself with money and success, I can’t get those eyes out of my head. Those cold lifeless eyes. And I have a feeling that now, I won’t be seeing them again.














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412 Reviews


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Thu Apr 13, 2017 11:37 pm
Tuckster wrote a review...



Hello there. It's MJ, and I have a few suggestions for improvements to this piece. Don't feel obligated to include any of these suggestions if you don't like them- I give that power to you as the writer. With that said, let's jump in:

1)

I didn’t like this unofficial ritual
Wait, isn't this her job? How is it an unofficial ritual?
2)
annunciate
Pretty sure it's enunciate.
3) The beginning of the prisoner's torture happens quite suddenly and unprecedently. It's a completely different tone than the original beginning, and it seems quite rushed.
4)
f he treats me as a monster, I will act as such.
This doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Someone's treatment of someone doesn't change their personality.
5)
I shout a series of numbers, followed by my patient’s name
Hold up, the title of the piece suggests the patient is unnamed. This is a contradiction that should be resolved.
6)
Up a lengthy staircase deprived of a railing, for the purpose of being aesthetically pleasing.
How is not having a railing aesthetically pleasing? The phrase 'aesthetically pleasing' is overused in this paragraph.
7)
I can’t seem to figure out how they got there.
How who got where?
8)
he speaks in a cartoonish manner
What is that supposed to mean? 'Cartoonish' isn't the clearest or best adjective in this case.
9) What is the point of the voice at the end? It serves no clear purpose to the plot, and detracts from the general idea of the sci-fi plot by adding in a happy, bubbly voice that just kind of dissipates.

Overall: Great idea, but some plot clarifications needed. Would love to see a follow-up story taking place in this setting, with the same or different characters.

Keep writing and best wishes,
MJ




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Sun Feb 26, 2017 1:37 am
skylnn00writes says...



I wanted to make a small comment about the small blurb displayed, I thought it was very vague and it really caught my attention.

"Looking at each other... I know he's trying..." I think you should change it to "...examining each other's facial expressions,; I know he's trying to make me guilt."

The details were amazing. I was cringing with all the pain the character felt, almost as if I was feeling it myself. This was amazing I really don't even know how else to review this, but I hope my couple of points helps. Wow... I'm honestly at a loss of words, it was just amazing.




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81 Reviews


Points: 2620
Reviews: 81

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Sun Feb 26, 2017 1:37 am
skylnn00writes wrote a review...



I wanted to make a small comment about the small blurb displayed, I thought it was very vague and it really caught my attention.

"Looking at each other... I know he's trying..." I think you should change it to "...examining each other's facial expressions,; I know he's trying to make me guilt."

The details were amazing. I was cringing with all the pain the character felt, almost as if I was feeling it myself. This was amazing I really don't even know how else to review this, but I hope my couple of points helps. Wow... I'm honestly at a loss of words, it was just amazing.




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Thu Feb 23, 2017 12:00 am
GoldenQuill wrote a review...



Hey LenaRose! It's Quill, here to throw you a quick review! I can, occasionally, be quite nitpicky, but everything I ever do is always to build you up as a writer as much as possible! With all of this in mind, let's dive in!

My lips pursed as I came around the corner. He was sitting as close as he could be to the glass, pressing his hands up against the spotless pane. As he removed his hands, smudges of grease were left. Disgusting. I didn’t like this unofficial ritual. Looking at each other, examining each other’s facial expressions. I know he’s trying to make me guilty. I was just doing my job, I told him once, like the rest of us. I entered the key into the lock and turned until I heard a familiar click. He knew not to challenge me. He turned his back to the door, his hands placed behind him for me to tie. His wrists were still raw from yesterday. That sour tinge of regret, repressed, as I wrap the cord thrice around his arms, pulling tighter each time, until knotting. He follows me through the corridor, as I take in that hospital scent. Bright floors scrubbed until they shine. The white walls, turned cream with age. Everything was in its place, as it should be.p

Within this opening paragraph, you switch tenses -- you start off in past tense "lips pursed as I cam around"... "I entered the key until I heard"... "He knew"... "His wrists were"... to present tense, suddenly. "I wrap"... "follows me... as I take"... and then back to past tense in "everything was in its place"...
I'd consider sticking to one for this opening paragraph, and for the following story afterwards.

I see smoke come out from under a beige door, no one’s ever been this close to his unit before.

This is known as a comma splice! Either make this a new sentence where the comma is or put a semi-colon here.

I straighten my back before turning around, “I may not disclose that information to you.”

He flicks his gaze upwards, “You’ve never told me that before.”

You do this a few times, and I'll quote every time, but here's the general rule; you can only use a comma after a spoken section if you'll be directly explaining what/how the person is speaking. For example: you can use the following sentence.
Smiling broadly, she said, "I don't know why you got that impression."
However, you cannot use the next sentence.
Smiling broadly, "I don't know why you got that impression."
Therefore, change all of those commas to periods. I'll try to quote every time you do it.

“We must keep walking.” I whisper, as I flip back into my original stance.

The opposite, too, is true. If you're going to say she whispers, it has to be a comma.
Therefore, comma after walking.

He tugs me back by the tail of my blouse, “Why am I here? You owe me an explanation. You know you do,” his face begins to turn red, losing his composure, as he chokes out the last syllables.

My eyes narrow, “You mustn't treat me that way,” flecks of saliva land on his face, “-you know what what my job is.”

His eyes widen a bit, before he retreats back to his expressionless demeanor, “That’s the one thing I do know.”

I take a moment to cool down, tucking the unruly pieces of hair behind my ear, “It is all you need to know. You are doing your part.”

Periods, not commas.
Also, I'd consider reworking the bolded part to: My eyes narrow. "You mustn't treat me that way," -- flecks of saliva land on his face -- "for you know what my job is."
Or, even, as they're two complete sentences: My eyes narrow. "You mustn't treat me that way." Flecks of saliva land on his face. "You know what my job is."

He had a life before this, why- why would I do this to him? What had he done wrong? No. I will not question the motives of those who are pure. I must take part in the rehabilitation of mankind.

1. I'd change the grammar here to He had a life before this, why -- why would I do this to him?
2. Also, I like separating words based on subject matter and relevance. It makes it read more coherently and cohesively. So, after "What had he done wrong?", I'd put an enter. Maybe another one after "... those who are pure." But at least the first one there.

“I-” my voice cracks, “I’m sorry,” I touch my hand to his face.

Rework to: "I -- " My voice cracks. "I'm sorry." I touch my hand to his face.

Also, I was kind of surprised at this sudden change in your MC here. Is this the same person whose been thinking he's disgusting the entire time? The same MC who hits him, only moments later? Her motivations and decisions seem unclearly defined and driven confusedly. Just keep that in mind.

“You are not helping human lives. How could the solution be to bring pain and hurt,” his words began to blur, “You know I’m right- please.”

Put a question mark in your question. Rework, if wanting to be grammatically correct, to the following:
"You are not helping human lives. How could the solution be to bring pain and hurt?" His words begin to blur. "You know I'm right -- please."

He touches his face lightly, pulling back as he winces.

What? Aren't his hands tied behind him?

The shape of my hand begins to bubble on the surface of his reddened skin.I step back as the door slides open, revealing the unwelcoming room inside.

A space between these two sentences.

“Get up,” I ram the point of my foot into his rib cage, he grunts.

Period after 'up'.

I can hear the door seal with a brief rush of air, the rustle of fabric, that low ringing in my ears.

Does the door sound like fabric, or are you adding other descriptions? If the former, ignore this. If the latter, consider reworking it to: I can hear the door seal with a brief rush of air; can hear the rustle of fabric, low ringing in my ears. Or something along those lines. Make a separation there, so I can tell you're talking about different sounds. Put it in your own style.

I can only see the whites of his eyes now, he lifts his arms before bringing them back down with a thump, perhaps in an effort to save himself.

Perhaps a period after the 'now' instead of a comma?
Also, couldn't immediately tell what was happening in this area. Still like it, just thought maybe it should be clearer (unless this was intentional; in that case, leave it).

I put on a disposable mask;that sickly bluish green color that makes me squeamish; taking in a deep breath of cheap plastic.

I'd change the semi-colons to dashes.
I put on a disposable mask -- that sickly bluish green color that makes me squeamish -- taking in a deep breath of cheap plastic.
If not, at least put a space between the semicolon after mask and the word "that".

“I forgot to remove your bindings. Please sit up,” I nudge him gently.

...

I tap on the table twice forcefully, “Requesting clearance for removing ties.”

Period, no commas. :)
Also, she walked down the hall again when her shoe squeaked. Does she not have to redo anything because she forgot about the bindings?

I fasten his arms into the cuffs.

What cuffs? Have you mentioned any other cuffs before?

I look back over to the wound, it’s begun to swell dramatically.

No comma splices! Either put "and" after wound, or make them two separate sentences.

A thought occurs to me-an excruciating thought- but a thought nonetheless.

Change to: A thought occurs to me -- an excruciating thought -- but a thought nonetheless.

“Open your mouth,” I remark. He hesitates, before acting on my command, “Don’t move.”

My hand quivers as I hold the vial over his face, a drop falls down, “I’m sorry-I’m sorry.”

Periods.
Also, "I'm sorry -- I'm sorry."
Also x2, why is she apologizing? Doesn't she think this is the right thing to do? Even if she's a bit unsure, why would she voice it to the guy?

He blocks a scream still keeping his mouth open.

What do you mean, blocks a scream? As in, he stops the scream mid-scream?

“No. No no no,” my tongue feels like it swelled. I rip off his mask and slap his face, “Come on- wake up,” my voice croaks.

Period! (:
Also, "Come on -- wake up."
Also x2, when did you say he'd ever "gone to sleep"? Last we heard, he was gasping for breath. Meaning he's still awake.

I drop him and slam my fist onto the table, “Sterilization-” my voice cuts off.

Period.

I pound the table again, “Start you damn thing. Begin! Begin!”

Period.

The water rinses him A machine hums, scanning his body.

What water? Period after 'him'.

He breathes shakily, “You-” he pauses to cough, “-are godless.”

I let out a sigh and tap on the table, “Repair.”

Periods! (except for after cough)
You should put an emdash after 'you' and before 'are'.
Also, this section looks so beautiful.

Not a surprise of course, we have been given the best.

Comma after 'course'.

“Drink it.” I say mindlessly.

Comma after it.
I'm surprised by this change. Wasn't she just worried? Scared? She flip-flops in her emotions quite a bit.

The drink slips down his throat, he puckers, “So; when’d you become one of the government’s leeches?”

I sit back in my stool, eyeing my burns, “You know very well how important I-and the work I’m doing- is.”

His forehead creases, “Yeah. Good luck with that.”

Period.
"You know very well how important I -- and the work I'm doing -- is."

This idiot seems to challenge me more in a glass box than when he’s free, “Enjoy the rest of your day.” I smile sweetly.

Period after 'free'.

The first door; much sleeker than my patient’s stand in front of me.

Maybe, The first door, much sleeker than my patient's, stands in front of me.

I punch in my four digit code, it opens, blending in flawlessly with the rest of the frame. Another minute of walking, the next door being in sight the whole time. I swipe my key card. That bright flash of green eases my mind. The third door is not more than five feet away from the second. Voice recognition. I shout a series of numbers, followed by my patient’s name, never to be said outside of the facility. Open, finally. I run through the open space, littered with people. If I dropped a piece of trash in here someone would have a stroke. I run on the needlessly slippery floors, cutting through all the people, who look almost like mannequins.

1. I'd consider putting a period after 'code', as you're trying to combine sentences with commas.
2. I'd reword the sentence "Another minute of walking, the next door being in sight all the time." Maybe, Another minute of walking, with the next door in sight all the time.
3. You shout a series of numbers? That doesn't make a ton of sense. Do you want other people to be able to overhear and use your recognition code?
4. Why did you use 'littered' with people, if you actually can't litter in here? This may have meant to been funny, but it didn't read across, for some reason.

I lie down grasping the grass beneath me.

When did you go outside! What?
Also, why is she going back in? She forgot to check in for what? Why is she forgetting so much today? This is a bit random.

“Hello,” I take a small step into the room, “Where are you?”

“Behind the door,” the voice laughs.

“Oh,” I match the laughter while stepping further.

Periods!

“Oh. Thank you. I’m here to give-”

“Your report, yes, go on.” I’m worried if his face got stuck in that toothy grin.

“Yes. The patient. I think we should- I think we should release him from such an intensive treatment.”

“Now why would we want to do that?” he inquires, his voice gruff.

“I was giving him the new treatme-”

“Ah yes, serum 76A. Was that successful for you?”“I suppose so. It’s just that I think it’s too severe-” his forehead creases, “-he’s just been through so much.”

“Are you beginning to sympathize with him?”

“Of course not. I just think that he is beneficial for other treatment studies. He has become hard to work with,” my words blur together into one string.

“Why didn’t you just say so?” back again to his broad grin, “Patients are notorious for being difficult. Don’t come in tomorrow, the problem shall be dealt with. Now; regarding the serum?”

“It has proved to be very effective. I’ll submit a full report by Tuesday,” the words roll of my tongue, but I can’t seem to figure out how they got there.

“Excellent! And I have a feeling that after you submit it-” he lowers his voice, “-they’ll be a raise in pay,” he speaks in a cartoonish manner.“Thank you.” I turn to go.“What is that?” he says accusingly.

I look down at my arm, covering it with my hand, “Nothing.”

He’s standing now, “The serum. What did he do?”“He did nothing. I’m leaving now. I’ll stop by the medical center on the way home.”

He appears next to me, grabbing my burns, “Let me go.”

“I can have that taken care of as soon as possible,” he turns over my palm, kissing the back of my hand.

“Get off me.” my voice stays low, but I treat the sentence as I would with a patient.

1. Wherever you have a -, replace with an emdash and isolate it with spaces.
2. Periods wherever the next statement isn't describing the words.
3. Enter on "I suppose so. It's just..."
4. The words roll off my tongue, not of. :)
5. Enter on "Thank you.", "What is that?", and "He did nothing."
6. Capital 'M' in 'my voice stays low'.

I keep my eyes close, soaking up the sun, “Honestly, whoever the hell you are, I could not care less about you.” “Well that’s rude,” the voice still sounds cheery.

Enter on "Well that's rude", and period after 'sun'.

Overall
Wow, LenaRose. Just wow. This is fantastic. Great description, wonderful writing style, and thoughtful design. I especially love the ending. It's easily digestible, easy to read, and quick to understand. I'm so impressed by this piece of work. I know I pointed out a lot of small grammar errors, but honestly, they're small, fit with your style, and aren't a big deal. This is such a solid piece. I hope you continue further with it, and never stop, because I think you have some great ideas here!

Work a bit on your main character and her motivations (or, at least, making it clearer and more obvious in the work), but other than that, I absolutely love this.

You did great work here. Oh, also -- welcome to YWS, and congratulations for being courageous enough to put your work out there.

You're amazing!

Always keep writing,
GoldenQuill





“Such nonsense!" declared Dr Greysteel. "Whoever heard of cats doing anything useful!" "Except for staring at one in a supercilious manner," said Strange. "That has a sort of moral usefulness, I suppose, in making one feel uncomfortable and encouraging sober reflection upon one's imperfections.”
— Susanna Clarke, Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell