I can see you,
But you can't see me.
I have the heart of many,
Yet they aren't beating.
However you have the heart of just one
And it can beat life through your veins.
While I have to face being treated like this,
Your heart is beating gently for weeks.
Though I am kind, I am alone.
You are known by many,
Even if you have a heart of stone.
I try to call out for help, though I am not loud.
But you are known without even having to make a sound.
I am all but able to live.
I am a ghost,
Just a breath in the wind.
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Canary word: Present
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125,011 Literary Works • 672,841 Reviews
I like it
Thanks! ^_^
Righty-ho. You are a good reviewer, yet on the wrong team!
This is really very nice, and it seems a little riddle like. If it is, I certainly don't know the answer, as it would be formidable enough even for Gollum. The rhythm is undoubtedly your main strength, as it bears a characteristic normally noted in works with great rhythm, and that is it sounds like it rhymes, but it doesn't. Very well done on this score. My only criticism is that the last line doesn't pack all that much of a punch. It seems similar to the rest of thepoem, and eending on a metaphor isn't particularly good.
Hope this helps,
Take That You Fiend!
Wow, thanks.
there was a good sense of emotion in this
i could feel it no doubt. this is a good piece of work, i like the style of it 
i could relate to this because of the people that have been in the "you" position with me in the "I". 
good job
i only had a few nitpicks which i see some had already gotten their hands on lol. i'd like to see it a little longer telling a bit more of a story but not very long. and personally i would have had the sentences below each other that have commas. A few of them have it separated like the last two lines are but you have a few others that are together like the 9th line.
you should keep writing with the climax at the end and just drop the dramatic ending like that. I really like it that way
You're a red, me too. I just joined the red team.
1) Your symbol of the heart not beating is just cliche. You should possibly think of something more "yours" or more original. You having more not working hearts is thinking but it can honestly be a million times better. You have emotions so use them, you have a story to tell so tell it. Tell us what actaully goes on and you can choose to hide it in the medaphores of literary devices, but right now it just seems like you are not telling us at all. It seems like you are not trying hard enough. I've read this poem over and over again just said differently each time. So far, I am unamused. Sorry if that's laying it on too thick but I wish to be objective.
2) Your first two lines hardly paint a picture. You are showing us your image through abstraction which makes it dull. I feel like the first lines should wow the reader in more ways then just one, but you have a dull way of telling a poem I've heard over an over again. What makes it more significant to you? Whats it make you feel like? Whats it look like?
3) the next 4-5 lines can be said so much simpler. Firstly, the symbol of the heart giving life through her veins is all to obvious. And you tell us it is beating gently, wouldn't this already imply the first lines? Why not connect them or not bother saying one of them?
4) You imply that the girl may have a heart of stone but you told us she didn't have a heart? Which is it? And how do you know she doesn't have a heart? You seem to shove the definition down the readers throat without proving it in any way.
just some quick thoughts, anyways keep writing. I'm just trying to get you thinking about your writing so don't take it personally.
Ok
The main idea of the poem was the narrator to be an actual ghost, in a way, towards people. Like how she had the heart of many, but none of them were beating- as she's dead. But the person she talked of had only one heart, but was able to beat life through their veins.
She is treated like she's not there- like a ghost, I f you get what I mean.
Though I try to call, I am not loud. Once again, like I said, an is treated like she's not there.
I am all but able to live.
The whole poem is mixed between the reality of what was going on and the use of metaphors to exaggerate the truth.
I understand most of your intentions I believe. You are a ghost, thus no working heart which is really a metaphor for a feeling you have of barely existing or being seen by him/her. You have many hearts which means you are a good guy/girl but you feel like you the girl doesn't see you. Also, she has a way with people even thought her heart is stone, which may or may not mean she is a good person or passionate, depends on the reader.
My viewpoint of your poem is mostly about the cryptic way you choose to say it. For one, the heart symbol IS cliche. It has been done alot actually. For two, it is not very straightforward. It tells you clues instead of the story itself which makes it the only bad ambiguity in a poem, in my opinion. I have to read it twice/three times just to get the gist of it.
I've edited the poem. I hope there are no mistakes I've missed out.
I definitely got the emotion in this poem. Just a few suggestions. In the fourth line, decide between "but they aren't beating" or "yet they aren't beating" because yet and but both mean the same thing and you don't need it twice. Same thing with the next line, either "though" or "how" works with the sentence and having both of those doesn't quite let it flow. Otherwise, great work! I can see how you were feeling insignificant compared to other people so if you also ever need to talk about that feel free to message me
I picked up everything you said and I've decided to change it slightly based on the feedback everyone's given me. I'm going to re-publish it, so it's improved.
I can relate to this one, a very good poem
I can relate to this one, a very good poem
Timmy here for a quick review!!
Wow, you sure get busy once you arrive! Welcome to YWS!! What a poem to start off with. Wow.
I haven't left a review for you yet, so I will just explain you I go. First I do nitpicks, and then I hit my favorite spots, so that we are still friends once I leave! Shall we begin?
Nitpicks
Fav and Style
I must say, this is an awesome piece of work! I am a big fan of this piece! I love your style of poetry, and how you build your work until you get to the highest point, and then drop off to a dramatic ending! How beautiful!
My favorite two lines:
That is all I have for you on this piece! Awesome job with it! Keep writing and Welcome to YWS!!!
~Timmyjake
I hope I've not left out any mistakes, as I have edited my poem.
I hope I've not left out any mistakes, as I have edited my poem.
I hope I've not left out any mistakes, as I have edited my poem.
Love it!
Thank you
Hey! I'm SecreteJournalist but feel free to call me Brie.
And might I say, for your first day here, four reviews under your belt is very impressive, as well as already posting a work(: I hope you're navigating the site alright. If you don't mind, I'm going to review with a list of Pro's and Con's. Well, enough with my rambling, onto the review!(:
Pro's:
1.) I love the main idea in this poem! It's a nice thought to idea, and it seems like a natural idea, more than a forced one. Many poets can't manage that.
2.) The description in this poem is spot on. I can picture an image in my mind, an fantastic image of mystery, agony, and love. Great job on that!
3.) Your grammar, and spelling were spot on. And I only spot a few punctuation mistakes, most likely typos. Easy fixes.
4.) The size of this poem, for the idea represented, it perfect! Great job.
Con's:
1.) The only punctuation errors I spot are;
The commas are just off from their spot, an easy fix!
2.) False alarm.... I don't spot any more cons!
Great job! I loved this poem a lot, it was certainly nice to read(: I'd like to see what else you have stored in your creative process of writing! May I ask what your inspiration for this poem might be? I love to hear different ideas for fantastic works like this poem! Oh, and I hope this review helped fix an pretty small error!(:
Sincerely,
SecreteJournalist
AKA
Brie
THANKS SO MUCH!! I love the feedback. Thank you. I noticed the commas as well. There were a few typos, I think. Thanks for the little moving message at the top. That's so cool! ^_^
Thanks Brie. Geez, I say thanks too much.
Awh(: No need to thank me, I should be thanking you for writing this!
Oh, my inspiration for this poem. There really wasn't one. It was just something that came to mind.
This was a well written poem.
There weren't any grammatical errors
So that's totally awesome
The narrator clearly gets their point across.
I didn't catch in rambling
You don't want to bore the reader,and I didn't find this poem boring at all.
You might find a lot of people who can relate to feeling this way
And as a writer you want to connect with your audience
So you did a pretty amazing job
Great work!!!
Wow! Seriously, thank you. I'm glad you liked it !
I like this poem, but I'm going to start out with some nitpicks.
But yet they aren't beating.
But and yet have basically the same meaning, so putting them both here is just redundant and does no purpose. I would choose just one here. Also, think about possibly putting a comma in after the but or yet, whichever you end up choosing.
Though how come you have the heart of just one
And it can beat life through your veins.
While I have to face being treated like this
As you're heart is gently, very gently beating for weeks.
You start this off as a question, then end it with a period, which is really confusing. Either reword it as a statement, or add a question mark for clarification. Also, you wrote this in a way where it should be one long sentence, the period after veins should either be done away with, or, if you want this stanza to remain as two sentances, think about changing "While" to "Meanwhile", for proper grammar and understanding. You also might want to think about a comma after "though"
As you're heart is gently, very gently beating for weeks.
Instead of repeating "gently", think about using a synonym for gently, it will bring more emphasis and interest.
Though I am kind ,I have to face being alone.
The space should be after the comma, not before.
Besides those, it was interesting and I liked it.
Thanks for the feedback, I never though of what you said, which is good. Once again, thanks.