Published December 24, 2016
New York: 05:00 am
- the world one night is sprung into chaos and none knows how or why this happened all they do know is that at a certain time on this day the human race will cease to exist.
The lifeless bodies everywhere consume the ground below, a lake once renowned for its light blue water now covered in dark red blood, skyscrapers which towered above others now fallen pieces of rubble. The screams of innocent children begin to overwhelm the sirens blasting in the distance as gradually they both increase. A crack of thunder appears in the misty pandemonium a mysterious figure floats above the empire state building. The mystery figure descends upon the madness as people are now turning on each other like cannibals. The mysterious figure eerily observes the area and lets off a sinister smirk, in his dark gritty voice he says,
''Humans, their corruption and greed has led them to this.''
The figure clenches his right hand, as he puts it into an arrow like formation at a 50 level building, he then puts his left hand into the same position and with a force greater than than a low level nuclear bomb, he quickly destroys the west side of the building causing the building to smash directly onto millions of people below, the screams intensified as the rubble was falling, inside a gloomy, cold and dark place all you could was see the intestines fully spewed out of a child who was trying to find his mom but was crushed by the falling rubble, His eyes are split in half as a piece of shrapnel is placed directly in the pituatay gland. His mother is completely unaware of her son's death and carries on calling for him '' BRIAN!. BRIAN!!! WHERE ARE YOU !!!!'' she calls for him once more but collapses due to the intense stress and fear. a massive window comes falling down, decapitating her as blood flings across her disfigured body. her headless body twitches in agony for several minutes before total shutdown.
Emergency services reach the shattering building.''Evie, listen to me we'll get through this evie?...*flatlines* EVIE!!!!!!'' a couple, one killed by a pipe through the heart now laying in a bed at the back of an ambulance. next to her is her boyfriend who has multiple scars which are oozing with blood. He steps out of the ambulance with tears running down his cheek which burn his scars. He stares at the sky, bleeding heavily and wondering about his life with Evie. He loved that she used to twitch her nose when she lied and that she always gave to the needy and never stopped being so kind . He realizes that the world is destroying itself and whats the point of going through this much pain and not seeing his beloved Evie so he gets up and runs to a destroyed police car and searches for the police man, he doesn't find the police man all he finds is a police standard pistol, as he reaches for it he slowly aims it at his head closing his eyes and praying to god that everything will be alright '' Evie.... ill find you...' ' a deafening shot is heard.
¬ a news outlet ¬
...... if anyone can hear this ........ if anyone is out there......... its happening..... oh my god! they are here .. i don't have enough time.... dear god no please no!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO - static -
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140,714 Literary Works • 673,675 Reviews
Hi there fellow Watamote fan!! As pointed out by others you had some grammar mistakes and run on sentences. However, don't worry that happens to everyone.
Story wise I like how you created the mood of the story. It was mysterious and interesting. Also dark and eerie. I know this was posted a long time ago, but I'm new so….. I can't wait for chapter 2!! (if you plan to continue the story)
Hey, Leekeer! I'm Artemis for a review one day before Christmas!
Ah, okay. You use ellipses a lot. When I scroll through your chapter here, I see ellipses with sometimes eight dots--you're only supposed to use three. Perhaps you could see dashes or something else to stand for pauses in your work.
You also have a thing with capitalization. Lots of things are supposed to have a capital letter, but they unfortunately do not. In the beginning of sentences, especially.
Run-on sentences and punctuation are the last of my grammar nitpicks. If a person were reading this, I feel like they'd run out of breath trying to read some sentences. Divide them up into chunks that you feel comfortable reading out loud. There's nothing wrong with reading your piece out loud once in a while.
And as I said, punctuation. Sometimes you're missing apostrophes, you have six exclamation marks instead of one in one sentence, and... punctuation and grammar as a whole must be considered.
Onto the content! I understand you're trying to tell us about some sort of apocalypse, but this is more like an information dump than a chapter. You're trying to fit everything into a paragraph and give everything that your reader needs to know in one chapter. Put those details in as the piece flows and you'll find that it works better with viewers.
Lastly... ouch, the gruesome details. I'm pretty sure you should rate this for violence, if people click on your work and get something totally unexpected. You have a lot of details that not everyone needs to envision. Description and imagery is great, but not so much in violent cases.
Overall--the idea was quite interesting. I want to know what caused this apocalypse and who that mysterious figure who pops up in the middle of the chapter is. There are things to fix, but that's what YWS and reviewers are for! Keep improving and sharing your work, and you'll turn out chapters in no time!
XOX,
Artemis28
Hello my friend, NympheaLily here!
I first want to say that I love apocalyptic stories and this one looked right up my alley due to the title. I can just say that this opening is awesome and it instantly captured my attention. The extensive action in just the first paragraph is enough to foreshadow what is to come. There are a few things I think you could improve on, but as always in my mind, the good outweighs the bad.
There were some spelling errors in there and some capitalization errors as well.
"New York: 05:00 am": I'd put this in bold or I'd italicize it, just to make sure that people understand it's importance.
"- the world one night is sprung into chaos and none knows how or why this happened all they do know is that at a certain time on this day the human race will cease to exist.": Capitalization at the beginning would help a bit.
"The mystery figure descends upon the madness as people are now turning on each other like cannibals. The mysterious figure eerily observes the area and lets off a sinister smirk...": I would suggest finding a different word for 'mystery' or 'mysterious'. Repetition can get a bit, well, repetitive.
That's all I have for you, my dear! And as always, KEEP THOSE FINGERS TYPING!
Ciao!
~NympheaLily