School of Hell, Chased

Lose the asterisks. Hey there. Your story, as I believe a reviewer mentioned, has a nice feel to it- the tension is there and it feels realistic. With a few minor glitches fixed, this would really get an A+ in my book. Some phrases and sentences did more harm than good to the story, adding confusion instead of clarity, and not the "good" confusion. In paragraph three, the words "glow in the dark" need some attention. You should either make it one heavily hyphenated word (glow-in-the-dark), put them quotations or something, as outside of knowing that "glow-in-the dark" sneakers exist, the syntax is very confusing. Also, I really don't see the forced "human flashlight" image, though maybe it's just me. Also, there are a few glitches in describing how these things attacked you and how you reacted. I particularly like the last line.
All that aside, I didn't see a chapter name or number, not clearly at least. I don't know what to make of the heading "School of Hell, Chased." Not sure if that's the name of the book or chapter or what. I would read the next chapter though. The suspense is good and the vagueness of the kidnappers' description is also working.
Keep Writing!
Adam-Clay.

Hi!

First of all, I really like the feel of this novel. You do a good job of establishing a feeling of suspense from the start. I also like the voice of your writing; it's very real, I guess, and it feels fast-paced, like I feel like I'm rushing along because the story grips you if that makes sense. I'm not very good at describing voices.

I don't think you need the *** after the first paragraph because you don't go that far back and you already include the "Earlier on" at the beginning of the next paragraph.

I like the detail of the light-up shoes, but I wish that there was some sort of story behind them just because they're such an interesting detail to add.

Though for the most part I like your writing style, as I said already, there were a few words and phrases that felt like dead weight such as the 'to me' in paragraph six, and "By now I noticed" in the third to last paragraph. I'd rather you just said what was happening instead of her noticing it because I don't know what that adds to the story, but that's just my opinion.

Also, "Sweet dreams sweetie" feels redundant; on closer inspection, it isn't but I'd still suggest changing it. Maybe "sweet dreams darling or something.

Nice post,
Tgirly

Hey Lee,
Cool story. I'm automatically hooked and look forward to reading more. While reading your work I didn't come across any problems that just jumped out at me. The story is interesting and exciting, but not in an overly dramatic way. I liked how your characters seemed so real, like the bad guys actually acted like bad guys ad the girl actually acted like a read teenager. As I said before I didn't really come across any problems just just jumped out at me while iI was reading this. So good job and keep writing!

Hey, Evil with a review. (hopefully it will seem more helpful than harsh)

First I just want to say that I really don't care for the opening. I'm tired of stories that start with the protagonist running from unknown people for an unknown reason which we wont find out until later. I recommend finding another way to build tension because that's a lazy way of doing it. It doesn't really give us anything except that your protagonist is being chased, and let's face it, most protagonists will get chased at some point.

"I was rubbing my arms from the chill of the cold, shielding myself from the chilly breeze that was creeping through my purple hoodie. I pulled the hood over my head and kept strolling down the street in my glow in the dark sneakers. Yes, sneakers that made me look like a human flash light. I guess you could call this mistake number two."

--"I pulled the hood over my head" confused me because I thought the hood was already up based on the description you just gave. Also, three of these four sentences start with "I", which is awkward to read because the repetitiveness of it stands out to the reader. You might want to think about mixing your sentence structure up a little. I do however like the last part. I'm already getting the impression that they have a good sense of humor

"Even my goose bumps had goose bumps."

--Haha, I love this.

"I thought I could do with a less attracting piece of clothing, so I lost the shoes, left them glowing in my wake."

--First person can be a pain to write in because it's hard not to overuse "I". You need to use this word less. Also I didn't really buy this sentence. Pulling off two shoes is quite a task when you're trying to get away from people. Even if they're loose and easy to slip off, you need to describe this action somewhat. It happened too easily.

"So now my bare feet were hitting the pavement. I was only a couple of blocks from home, so I knew i could make it. And then came that fatal mistake. And I was on the ground, panting in panic."

--Again with overusing I. One of them isn't even capitalized. And hold up, so the beginning paragraph is this moment here? There's no need for that strange prelude if it happens a few paragraphs into the story. What was the fatal mistake, anyway? It's odd that you didn't explain since you mentioned it twice

"“Sweet dreams sweetie.” She grinned with one finger on her chin and her arm across her body."

--Huh? The figure turned into a woman? There's nothing to say how your protagonist knows it's a woman. It just went from being a figure to being a she like that. Also "Sweet dreams sweetie" sounds strange because the word "sweet" is repeated.


I don't really have much to say because not much has happened yet. I like her attitude (assuming it's a her, anyway) and the way you're portraying her but you need to stop overusing I. Also some parts could do with a little more description, like the figure.