Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: This one feels like it was cut off in the middle for obvious reasons. I really hope this has a part two that I run into one day but I doubt that. So that's not great because this story actually did a great job at making me want to find out what actually happened to these four friends and how they went missing. The overall flow of the story was also pretty good, it got slightly clunky in certain parts but overall it was pretty darn good.
Anyway let's get right to it,
"Ok, let's get this thing straight, so you say that you had nothing to do with the disappearances of Tom, Alice, Bob, and Trudy, am I getting you right?"
Decent opening line. Definitely would work to hook readers although I think it could be slightly better than this. This one is on the line between being a good opening and a bad opening.
I looked at the officer with all my strength, but his gaze was like a razor blade, about to cut into my soul. I didn’t know what happened to my friends, it wasn’t my fault. It was something that was not supposed to have happened to us, it was supposed to be a fun thing, but fun was not what happened that night.
Well this certainly established quite a bit of mystery here. This one does a better job of being an awesome opening in my opinion. Moving that first line lower would probably make this a much catchier start.
The officer said as he sat down in one of the metal chairs that was on the other side of the small table that sat in middle of the dark room. Only one light was on, and that light was coming from a swivel lamp that was positioned on the table, so it was shining straight into my face, blinding me, so I said, "Do you think that you can point that light off my face?” I guess I shouldn't of said that because the officer in front of me jumped up from his chair and leaned over the table and then grabbed me by collar of my shirt and pulled me forward just enough for me to get a better look at the officer at only three inches from his face, then he said in a very angry voice, "You are going to tell us what happened to the others if it takes all night long, got that?" Then he released his strong grip, and I landed on the floor. I was not expecting an outburst like that. "Now get back in your chair, and tell us what you did to them right now!"
That's a nice move that' showing us quite a bit but I think you should be starting a new paragraph everytime someone new speaks so that's not grammatically correct right there.
It was hard for me to get back up with my hands cuffed together, so I put my hands on top of the table to pull myself back up. I finally got back up into the chair and looked at the officers eyes and said (trying to keep the fear out of my voice) "I didn’t do anything to them, it was “It” that did it to them, not me." I felt stupid after saying that, but it was the only way for me describe the thing that took my friends. The officer was still looking at me, and then he said in a low voice, "What do you mean, IT?" The officer (I guess his name was Officer Edward Scott, his name was on his star badge) gave me a look that said “ Yeah, right.”
I don't the name part is in anyway important here. It just really breaks the flow up and just interrupts all that tension that was building up here.
"Now we are getting somewhere." The officer said as if he just made me do an incredible trick for him.
Well yeah he did do exactly what the officer wanted him to do.
"Ok, ok just take it easy there boy, don't get all keyed up, where going to take this one step at a time, now where were you? That's right, looking for ghosts.” All the officer laughed out loud again. Now I was about to jump from my seat and kick the table over and do something that I would regret, but that’s probably what they wanted me to do, make a out burst so they can…. never mind, I continued my story on what happened that night.
Your depiction of these police officers and the way they speak is really making a strong case for us being on the side of the protagonist so that's really well done.
"If you guys got this place all wired I'm going to be so ticked off at you guys, so better teal me right now if it is!" Alice said in a voice that was nerves and mad at the same time as she was taking a step backwards from the door that just opened by it self.
Righteous anger right there. That was a rude thing that the boys did.
The two girls gasped and just about to jump off the porch and run back to the truck, but Bob stopped them and said " Tom, will you stop! How are we supposed to have a good time if you keep scaring the girls before the so called ghosts do?"
This is such a sad place for this to end. You build all of this up so well that I really, really want to know what happens next but I suppose I never will.
Aaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall this is really well written. The way that you build up the protagonist and the police officers is amazing and it makes you invested in the story pretty fast. I really hope that this was not the end of it because that just really was disappointing to see. The writing was so good on this one. There were a couple of spelling mistakes here and there that I spotted but I didn't point those out because they were mostly careless
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Points: 128217
Reviews: 1105
Donate