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"No Ones Alone In There."

by Learner1


"Ok, let's get this thing straight, so you say that you had nothing to do with the disappearances of Tom, Alice, Bob, and Trudy, am I getting you right?"

I looked at the officer with all my strength, but his gaze was like a razor blade, about to cut into my soul. I didn’t know what happened to my friends, it wasn’t my fault. It was something that was not supposed to have happened to us, it was supposed to be a fun thing, but fun was not what happened that night.

Finally, I got the strength to only say, "Yes," to the three officers that where in the interrogation room. They all thought I was the one who did it. I could tell by the way they talked in that deep southern accent, and the way their eyes narrowed down to only to a tinny slit.

"Boy, I think you need a good lawyer, because I don't believe a single thing your saying."

The officer said as he sat down in one of the metal chairs that was on the other side of the small table that sat in middle of the dark room. Only one light was on, and that light was coming from a swivel lamp that was positioned on the table, so it was shining straight into my face, blinding me, so I said, "Do you think that you can point that light off my face?” I guess I shouldn't of said that because the officer in front of me jumped up from his chair and leaned over the table and then grabbed me by collar of my shirt and pulled me forward just enough for me to get a better look at the officer at only three inches from his face, then he said in a very angry voice, "You are going to tell us what happened to the others if it takes all night long, got that?" Then he released his strong grip, and I landed on the floor. I was not expecting an outburst like that. "Now get back in your chair, and tell us what you did to them right now!"

It was hard for me to get back up with my hands cuffed together, so I put my hands on top of the table to pull myself back up. I finally got back up into the chair and looked at the officers eyes and said (trying to keep the fear out of my voice) "I didn’t do anything to them, it was “It” that did it to them, not me." I felt stupid after saying that, but it was the only way for me describe the thing that took my friends. The officer was still looking at me, and then he said in a low voice, "What do you mean, IT?" The officer (I guess his name was Officer Edward Scott, his name was on his star badge) gave me a look that said “ Yeah, right.”

"You wouldn't believe me even if I told you."

"Try me.” The officer said, still staring at me with narrowed eyes, they looked like two ice picks, mentally stabbing into me. There was a moment of silence in the room, my heart felt like it was going to pop out of me.

" Well start talking boy, tell us about this so called “It” thing that took your friends.” The officer said in a sarcastic voice as he leaned back in his chair, acting as if he was enjoying the situation. “I do like a good fairy tale every once in a while, don’t you boys?” The other officers in the room chuckled to that.

I could feel anger was starting to get the best of me, and I slammed my fist on the table and said. "Like I said, you wouldn't believe me even if I told you!"

"You better take it down a notch their boy or your going to get into some trouble. And like I said, try me."

I sat back in my char, "Alright then, you ask for it," I said sarcastically, trying to make them fill like they were the ones making the mistake, which they were making a mistake for accusing me for something that I didn’t do.

"Now we are getting somewhere." The officer said as if he just made me do an incredible trick for him.

I didn't like the way they were treating me, I could tell that they thought I was responsible for the disappearance of my friends, so then I sat back and took a deep breath, and began to tell my story, telling them as much as I could remember.

“Me, Trudy Walker, Tom Markey, and Bob Jones, were all good friends at Fort Hays State University. Anyway, we all wanted to do something different that coming weekend, so Tom decided to go look for a spooky thrill place. So he went out to find an old creepy place so we could see some ghosts, just so we could get a thrill.”

A smile swept across the officers face, and one said to me. "Did you just say ghost? I hope this story isn't going the way I think it is." Then all the officers in the room to laughed to that, they where enjoying it, a eighteen year old college student from Kansas who is suspect for the disappearances of four author college students, from the same college, it wasn't looking good for me, but they wanted the truth, and I was giving them the truth, so if they kept on going like this, I was going to just stand my ground and say what was on my mind. " You said that you wanted me to teal you truth on what happened, and that's what I'm doing!"

"Ok, ok just take it easy there boy, don't get all keyed up, where going to take this one step at a time, now where were you? That's right, looking for ghosts.” All the officer laughed out loud again. Now I was about to jump from my seat and kick the table over and do something that I would regret, but that’s probably what they wanted me to do, make a out burst so they can…. never mind, I continued my story on what happened that night.

" It was Tom's idea, he wanted to do something different that weekend night, instead of getting STUPED and get drunk, that's Tom for you. Any way he had the idea on going to this place that was on the out side of town. He said to me that he got permission from the owner of the land where the place was. He said it was a creepy old farm house out in the middle of nowhere, and that it was a perfect place to get the girls all creped out, it sounded fun to me, so I invited my good friend Bob and he invited his girlfriend Trudy, and Tom also invited his girlfriend, Alice, I never rely got to now her, seams like Tom always finds a new girl after he's found out about that he's not a son of a millionaire, in fact I don't even think he knows what a millionaire is, any way. We all got in my Ford F150 and off we went. I didn't even now where this place was or how to get there, Tom had to tell me how to get there as we went along, we got lost a few times, but we made it to the old place, and it was out in the middle of nowhere. I had no idea what Tom had in stored for us but I had a strange filling about that place, and I should of listened to my instincts." The officer shifted in his seat and said [Still looking at me with those jugging eyes] “ Go on, we are all on the edge of seats.”

I continued my story. “The old farm house was out in the middle of nowhere, miles from the main road. It was the type of house that most people would avoid going into, half of the roof was caved in and destroyed the second floor, most of all the panes in the windows where busted out, the wooden steps to go up on front porch was rotted, so we had to make a big step to get on the porch, when we got on the porch we had to get into the place and we all assumed that the door was locked, so Tom got key that he got from the owner of the land, and as he went to insert the key into the keyhole and right when the tip of the key hit the door, it opened by it’s self all the way, as if someone was letting us in, we were all taken back by what just what happened, and what we all saw.

"If you guys got this place all wired I'm going to be so ticked off at you guys, so better teal me right now if it is!" Alice said in a voice that was nerves and mad at the same time as she was taking a step backwards from the door that just opened by it self.

"Me to, I'm not going in there if it's all going to fake, not to mention that this place is a safety hazard." Trudy said as she went to go stand by Alice how was still looking at the door as she was taking small slow steps away from the door.

"It's not set up, and its perfectly safe, look I asked the owner of the place, and he said that this house is haunted to the core, so why would we go and set up scarring traps when it doesn't need it? All we have to do is just watch out for rusted nails that stick out all over place and not to step on any of them. And did I mentioned that this place have rats the size of footballs?” Tom said as he steeped thru the doorway that went inside and then he turned around at thethe base of the staircase that that went up to the second floor.

The two girls gasped and just about to jump off the porch and run back to the truck, but Bob stopped them and said " Tom, will you stop! How are we supposed to have a good time if you keep scaring the girls before the so called ghosts do?"


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Tue Aug 18, 2020 9:01 am
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.

First Impression: This one feels like it was cut off in the middle for obvious reasons. I really hope this has a part two that I run into one day but I doubt that. So that's not great because this story actually did a great job at making me want to find out what actually happened to these four friends and how they went missing. The overall flow of the story was also pretty good, it got slightly clunky in certain parts but overall it was pretty darn good.

Anyway let's get right to it,

"Ok, let's get this thing straight, so you say that you had nothing to do with the disappearances of Tom, Alice, Bob, and Trudy, am I getting you right?"


Decent opening line. Definitely would work to hook readers although I think it could be slightly better than this. This one is on the line between being a good opening and a bad opening.

I looked at the officer with all my strength, but his gaze was like a razor blade, about to cut into my soul. I didn’t know what happened to my friends, it wasn’t my fault. It was something that was not supposed to have happened to us, it was supposed to be a fun thing, but fun was not what happened that night.


Well this certainly established quite a bit of mystery here. This one does a better job of being an awesome opening in my opinion. Moving that first line lower would probably make this a much catchier start.

The officer said as he sat down in one of the metal chairs that was on the other side of the small table that sat in middle of the dark room. Only one light was on, and that light was coming from a swivel lamp that was positioned on the table, so it was shining straight into my face, blinding me, so I said, "Do you think that you can point that light off my face?” I guess I shouldn't of said that because the officer in front of me jumped up from his chair and leaned over the table and then grabbed me by collar of my shirt and pulled me forward just enough for me to get a better look at the officer at only three inches from his face, then he said in a very angry voice, "You are going to tell us what happened to the others if it takes all night long, got that?" Then he released his strong grip, and I landed on the floor. I was not expecting an outburst like that. "Now get back in your chair, and tell us what you did to them right now!"


That's a nice move that' showing us quite a bit but I think you should be starting a new paragraph everytime someone new speaks so that's not grammatically correct right there.

It was hard for me to get back up with my hands cuffed together, so I put my hands on top of the table to pull myself back up. I finally got back up into the chair and looked at the officers eyes and said (trying to keep the fear out of my voice) "I didn’t do anything to them, it was “It” that did it to them, not me." I felt stupid after saying that, but it was the only way for me describe the thing that took my friends. The officer was still looking at me, and then he said in a low voice, "What do you mean, IT?" The officer (I guess his name was Officer Edward Scott, his name was on his star badge) gave me a look that said “ Yeah, right.”


I don't the name part is in anyway important here. It just really breaks the flow up and just interrupts all that tension that was building up here.

"Now we are getting somewhere." The officer said as if he just made me do an incredible trick for him.


Well yeah he did do exactly what the officer wanted him to do.

"Ok, ok just take it easy there boy, don't get all keyed up, where going to take this one step at a time, now where were you? That's right, looking for ghosts.” All the officer laughed out loud again. Now I was about to jump from my seat and kick the table over and do something that I would regret, but that’s probably what they wanted me to do, make a out burst so they can…. never mind, I continued my story on what happened that night.


Your depiction of these police officers and the way they speak is really making a strong case for us being on the side of the protagonist so that's really well done.

"If you guys got this place all wired I'm going to be so ticked off at you guys, so better teal me right now if it is!" Alice said in a voice that was nerves and mad at the same time as she was taking a step backwards from the door that just opened by it self.


Righteous anger right there. That was a rude thing that the boys did.

The two girls gasped and just about to jump off the porch and run back to the truck, but Bob stopped them and said " Tom, will you stop! How are we supposed to have a good time if you keep scaring the girls before the so called ghosts do?"


This is such a sad place for this to end. You build all of this up so well that I really, really want to know what happens next but I suppose I never will.

Aaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall this is really well written. The way that you build up the protagonist and the police officers is amazing and it makes you invested in the story pretty fast. I really hope that this was not the end of it because that just really was disappointing to see. The writing was so good on this one. There were a couple of spelling mistakes here and there that I spotted but I didn't point those out because they were mostly careless and I am lazy. The one other issue I noticed is a large number of big paragraphs. Usually you want to avoid having paragraphs this big because it is hard to read on here when it is a giant chunk of text. I think if you just broke paragraphs as a new person speaks like you're supposed that problem should mostly solve itself. Overall it was a nice read and its pretty well written.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Fri Feb 24, 2012 11:05 pm
Learner1 wrote a review...







Why should Caesar just get to stomp around like a giant while the rest of us try not to get smushed under his big feet? Brutus is just as cute as Caesar, right? Brutus is just as smart as Caesar, people totally like Brutus just as much as they like Caesar, and when did it become okay for one person to be the boss of everybody because that's not what Rome is about! We should totally just stab Caesar!
— Gretchen Wieners