Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: So this was a pretty sad little story there especially at the end. I will say upfront that the accident did not seem at all like a plausible one that would happen if some proper logic and physics was applied to the situation but still you do a wonderful job depicting the horrifying scene as it unfolds.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Renee got up early; after seeing her boyfriend off to work. She had the car today- it was a cute little thing; Nissan Altima. It was the first car that was completely in her name. It made her smile each time she saw it.
Okay that seems like some fairly scattered thoughts to be starting a story off with but it is still at least somewhat attention grabby as to who this character is and why is this car important.
"Hi hun, what time will you be here?" It was her boyfriends mother, Jen; Renee was supposed to go babysit her two daughters today and pick up her own son from Jen.
"I should be there in about two hours, I have to make another stop." She said, quickly hanging up afterwards. It wasn't like she didn't want to talk to the older woman, but she was still shy around Jen.
Well it did not sound too much like she was shy besides the hanging up part. I would suggest making that conversation seem just a little bit more awkward than this.
It took about twenty minutes for her to reach the house, once she did Bunny's mom let her in. Bunny was still in bed- the lazy thing! Going to her room she didn't bother knocking, just entered and went to jump on the girls bed. "Wake up sleepy!" She said pushing the other girl. They both laughed as Bunny tried to feign her hands, and keep the covers on herself.
Well that is a pretty adorable name to have. I love that little touch to show their friendship and how strong it must be.
Renee produced a tiny box and held it out to her, "I know it's a day late, but... Happy Birthday my Bunny!" She said hugging her tightly. The sleep girl smiled, taking the box from her and opening it.
And that's also a really sweet in there. *making happy noises*
"Ok, Im off! I have to get to Jens, call me later, ok?" She said giving the girl one last hug. "Love you!" She said as she bounded out to her car once more.
She looped the car back around and headed off into the opposite direction. Turning the music back up she cruised through the neighborhood, the wind blowing through her windows.
That seemed a little rushed there to just skip right past any sort of conversation and go straight to her leaving. If you want to have such an abrupt change at least adding in a scene break to show such a change would be nice.
Suddenly something crossed infront of her face- through her driver side window. Glancing down she jumped seeing a live bird in her front seat. First reaction was possibly the worst she could have had; her foot hit the first pedal and the car shot forward. In the next instant she looked up only to have time to grab the steering wheel.
Umm...okay...which pedal did she actually hit there...it seems like the accelerator if it shot forward all of a sudden but then that would be very unlikely to not be pressed anyway so...was it the brake or the clutch cause from what I know those would maybe cause you to slide around if you had bad tires or the road was slippery but shooting forward seems pretty unlikely to happen.
The car slammed into a curb, her scream was drowned out but the crunching of her car and the blast of the air bag. Her sunglasses busted and broke across her nose. The tires jumped the curb, the right side slamming into a firehydrant and thrusting the car up and rolling it over until it landed roughly on the ceiling. Renee watching in horror as everything in her car, including herself, was left hanging upside down. The scenery spun as she looked out the window until everything stopped.
The eerie silence was only interrupted by the radio somehow still playing.
Well that's interesting....it seems a little dramatized...like that has to be highway speeds to actually get the car to flip after its lost so much momentum from hitting that curb. The sunglasses breaking seems the most plausible bit of this, the rest feels like it should just hit the fire hydrant and stop. I really don't see how it can actually flip that much.
Meanwhile only a block down the same street, Bunnys mom examined the tiny necklace and smiled, "Oh that's cute! 'Sisters for Life'" she said reading the inscription. Who knew how short that might have been?
Considering what happened she might be hospitalized but I'm sure they will be sisters for a very long time because that does not appear all that fatal unless it was like four or five flips in the car and then Renee hit her head somewhere and the car exploded none of which is at all plausible. But...well good eerie ending at least using that radio thing and then this to really leave a pretty sad and echoing ending.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall this was a pretty well done little short that you've got here and I definitely had quite a bit of fun reading it especially the first bit which was really sweet. I also like how you give us some reason to care about here by mentioning that sweet relationship and then proceed to put her through an accident so that we get more feelings out of it.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Points: 253913
Reviews: 4100
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