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Monopoly

by CocoaCat


Bored, bored, bored.

  There was nothing to keep me entertained. My older brother was out with friends and Dad was working late today. It was just me and Mom in this empty house. She was making supper and I was laying here on the floor. Bored out of my mind. I rolled over and looked at the black bookshelf in the corner of the living room. Monopoly was sitting alone on one shelf and it suddenly became very tempting to abandon my existential crisis and play. But, again, only Mom was home and she always dominated everyone. And I mean everyone. Including my 5 year old cousin.

  But maybe this time I would win. It was worth a shot. I picked myself up off the ground and retrieved the monopoly game. Mom had just gone to the washroom, so I used that time to set up the game. I handed out money for each of us and I knew that Mom always played as the car. I took the dog and decided to be banker. Though I wish that we had the electronic version; it wouldn't take nearly as long to figure out how many of each type of bill.

  I heard the toilet flush and Mom wash her hands. She came out and when she saw the board game all set up, she looked confused and a little upset.

  "Hey, Mom; did I ever tell you about how awesome you are?" The old suck-up routine should do the trick.

  "No, I can't right now, I'm busy making supper." 

  "Well, okay. I know you aren't very good at this game anyway." She looked the slightest bit annoyed. She may be a mother of two rowdy children, but she was competitive.

  "I would beat you so bad if I played." She'll cave soon. I know it.

  "Whatever you say, Mom. I know you're just afraid of losing to your daughter." 

  She practically threw our supper into the oven and slammed the door closed in fury. 

  "You're on."

  I knew I could get her to play. Now I just had to win; and that was going to be a piece of cake, right?

-----

  I was losing. In our family, we played until all except one person ran out of money or all except one person forfeited . And I had about five dollars. If I could just go three more spaces, I would get to the FREE PARKING space. But the three spaces before it all belonged to Mom. 

  "Alright, your turn." Mom challenged, rolling me the dice. I carefully picked it up and started a prayer. 

  "Please, God, let me get past this and into FREE PARKING!! Please!!" Mom gave me a look that said 'I've raised an idiot'. 

  I took a deep breathe, then tossed the dice. Please be three, please be three, PLEASE be three. It was two.

 I flipped the game board. 


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Thu Oct 26, 2017 5:13 pm
PenmanshipPriority wrote a review...



Hello Leafpool,

I'm here today to review your piece entitled 'Monopoly'

Straight away I could tell this was going to be an anecdotal inspired story and was eager to read it because of the familiarity of the game. Personally, Monopoly for me always ends with someone getting agitated over tediousness or bad luck and I can totally relate to this.

Anyway, let's get into the nit picky grammar --->

She was making supper and I was laying here on the floor. Bored out of my mind -

I'm not too sure about 'laying here' personally. I would just stick with 'laying on the floor',
avoid the fragmentation my removing the full stop and replacing it with a comma.

"I would beat you so bad if I played." She'll cave soon. I know it

At this point I think it's a habit for you to just add full stops where you want the significant pauses, but let me tell you that commas and even no punctuation would be more appropriate .In these two examples you should combine the speech with the rest of the sentence.

"Whatever you say, Mom. I know you're just afraid of losing to your daughter."

Same again.

Remember to always keep full stops inside speech annotations. I see that you can do it, just double check your work next time.


You've stated that this was just a quick draft and with that in consideration, I think you've done really well here.

Other than that I think you did really well with this and hope you continue to post on YWS in the future!

If you have further questions about my review or any other literary inquiries, please don't hesitate to PM me!

PenmanshipPriority




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Wed Oct 25, 2017 2:11 am
Cub says...



Just a note--the blank comment was a total accident. Sorry!
Now, onto your hilarious story! OK, this is so, so true. Especially the game board-flipping part! I ended up laughing crazily at that, because that's what always happens when I play monopoly with my younger siblings. It is a very addictive and high-stakes type game--I've always been one of those people that just wouldn't play because it takes too long. Anyway, you've got a great concept. This definitely made me think back to my younger days of monopoly playing.
The ending especially--great idea!
As for the writing, I think you entered the mind of a young child very well, while keeping a Calvin-and-Hobbes-esque satirical element. There were various small-scale problems, however. For example, this is pretty obviously a first draft. Little grammatical errors and what not pop up. For example, "I was laying here" should be "I was lying here"--unless he's laying himself on the floor, or preforming some other bizarre action of the like. "it suddenly became very tempting" could be shortened to "I suddenly became very tempted". "to set up the game"--game here sounds a little redundant. Maybe switch it to 'board'? Anyway, those are just a few of the tinier problems present so far. See what I mean?
Just edit it over looking for such mistakes, and you'll be fine. Those are all common things to do--I do them all of the time. All in all, your story is quite good.




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Wed Oct 25, 2017 2:07 am
Cub wrote a review...



Just a note--the blank comment was a total accident. Sorry!
Now, onto your hilarious story! OK, this is so, so true. Especially the game board-flipping part! I ended up laughing crazily at that, because that's what always happens when I play monopoly with my younger siblings. It is a very addictive and high-stakes type game--I've always been one of those people that just wouldn't play because it takes too long. Anyway, you've got a great concept. This definitely made me think back to my younger days of monopoly playing.
The ending especially--great idea!
As for the writing, I think you entered the mind of a young child very well, while keeping a Calvin-and-Hobbes-esque satirical element. There were various small-scale problems, however. For example, this is pretty obviously a first draft. Little grammatical errors and what not pop up. For example, "I was laying here" should be "I was lying here"--unless he's laying himself on the floor, or preforming some other bizarre action of the like. "it suddenly became very tempting" could be shortened to "I suddenly became very tempted". "to set up the game"--game here sounds a little redundant. Maybe switch it to 'board'? Anyway, those are just a few of the tinier problems present so far. See what I mean?
Just edit it over looking for such mistakes, and you'll be fine. Those are all common things to do--I do them all of the time. All in all, your story is quite good.




CocoaCat says...


Thanks for the review. Yes, this is just a rough draft. I just quickly wrote it and felt eager to post it. Glad you liked it!



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15 Reviews


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Wed Oct 25, 2017 1:58 am
Cub says...






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Sat Oct 21, 2017 8:43 pm
Radrook wrote a review...



First I would like to say that I like the story. It reminds me of all those fun times we had playing Monopoly as a family. My Mom, me, my dad and my cousin.

We kids sometimes also played hookey from school to play that game. It can definitely become addictive. It was an interesting read and very skillfully conveys the emotions involved in that stage of life. The child’s personality comes through very convincingly as does the mother’s. I like the ending where the board is flipped. My wife and daughter flipped any game board at which they lost or were about to lose. I finally decided not to play them. LOL.

Now, the story is written from the point of view of a young child. So the vocabulary has to be consistent with that of a young child. If the vocabulary strays, then the voice of the adult writer comes through and that’s something we don’t want to happen. Here is where I feel it happened in the story and suggestions.

“I picked myself up off the ground and [retrieved] the monopoly game.”

“I picked myself up off the ground and [got]the monopoly game.”


“....it suddenly became very tempting to abandon my [existential crisis] and play.”

“.... it suddenly became very tempting to just stop worrying and play.”


“She may be a mother of two rowdy children, but she was [competitive.]”

“She was the mother of two rowdy kids but she sure did like to win!”


“She was making supper and I was [laying] here on the floor....”

The right word is “lying”


To avoid a shift to the past to the present tense:

“She'd cave soon. I [just knew] it."




CocoaCat says...


Thanks for the review, I'm glad you enjoyed it! :)



CocoaCat says...


Thanks for the review, I'm glad you enjoyed it! :)



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Wed Oct 18, 2017 1:04 am
zaminami wrote a review...



Hello, Leafpool! It’s Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!

Give me your soul.

With that aside...

STOP! Grammar time!



She was making supper and I was laying here on the floor. Bored out of my mind.


Combine these two sentences to fix the fragment.

"I would beat you so bad if I played." She'll cave soon. I know it.

"Whatever you say, Mom. I know you're just afraid of losing to your daughter."


Combine the dialogue into one paragraph.

. And I had about five dollars.


No space in front of the period and change the second sentence to: "However, I had only about five dollars" to fix the fragment.

'I've raised an idiot'.


All punctuation inside of apostrophes and dialogue.

Also, you don't have to tab on YWS. The space between the paragraphs in the formatting is enough to tell what is a paragraph and what is not.

Suggestions:



Please be three, please be three, PLEASE be three. It was two.


I would separate these two paragraphs to give a bigger punch into the "It was two."

Confusing things:



It was just me and Mom in this empty house.


If the house was empty, then how come the MC and the mother are in it? :P

Other comments, reactions, and fangirling:



Though I wish that we had the electronic version; it wouldn't take nearly as long to figure out how many of each type of bill.


wAIT THERE'S AN ELECTRONIC VERSION

I flipped the game board.


That right there? Is me. All the time.

Overall:



This is very good, and I wouldn't change it except for the things that I said above. Only a few grammar issues (which is impressive, by the by), one suggestion, and one confusing thing. That's awesome. Keep up the good work.

Give me your soul --

Kara

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CocoaCat says...


I'LL NEVER GIVE YOU MY SOUL! Anyway, this was a very quickly written rough draft. And how did you not know there was an electronic version of Monopoly? Our cousins have the electric kind, but mine is from when my Mom was about 10. Fun fact; she wanted to be a banker so she wrote CIBC all over the tray for the monay. Thanks for the review!



zaminami says...


**noms soul anyway**

yum tastes like acorns

Also I'm not super into games.




"My humanity is bound up in yours, for we can only be human together."
— Bishop Desmond Tutu