Rokugatsu Juusannichi
Once, there were only animals and men. The deer roamed without fear and birds sang loud. Men only used horses and regular beasts of burden. Then, Kyla came. Our village was peaceful and in the mountains. Rice fields grew high up on peaks and our village lay in the valley below. The wandering woman Kyla came with excitement in her eyes. She held a reed basket, claiming she held the future. The elders scoffed at her and went back to work.
However frightened or disappointed the elders were, we children stayed. Our eyes were glued to the gold glowing basket. Kyla told us tale about the Gigaanimals. The Gigaanimals were larger, stronger, faster versions of the wildlife we had. Wolves as big as horses, horses as big as houses, bluebirds as big as hawks. We begged her and begged her to open the basket, but she just smiled and said,
"Curiosity killed the cat."
I remember glaring at her and saying, "And satisfaction brought her back."
Kyla smiled at me. Being six I was cute, big brown doe eyes usually worked in puppy faces. She leaned down and beckoned me, my brother, Boreas, and a few others in our village to come nearer.
"Only for you." She said and opened the basket a crack.
I immediately saw flashes of meaningless light dance before me. My eyes saw everything in a brown tint. I blinked a couple of times and my eyesight tinted gold. The light flashes became clear to my eyes. Little white animals with gold light behind them appeared and walked around. I was in space, so it seemed. The animals were the only light and the rest, I'm sure, was black. Boreas held my hand as we looked around, seeing the animals and the others.
Suddenly, it was over. The world seemed to collapse into itself and we were back in the village. We all looked around in amazement. Our normal colored eyes had turned abnormally colored and metallic. My eyes, Boreas told me, were a light pink, his, an orange as fierce as the sunset. We all looked to Kyla. She was smiling, "I'm going to show this to the world." she told us.
The next day she was gone. Later on we found we could do things. I could swim faster and hold my breath for a longer time and Boreas could jump higher. Some of the others could see farther, hear differently than we did, do small things. Mostly the experience enhanced our senses slightly. Soon after, tattoos appeared on our bodies. Our parents, furious we had them at such an early age, tried to get them off. It never worked, of course. Sometimes our eyes changed color but kept equally metallic, our tattoos did along with them.
Juugatsu Juuichinichi
Years ago I wrote about an evil woman who wanted to change to world with her animals. It seems to have happened. Boreas is dead. A Gigaanimal killed him. What we call a Gigawolf. The town is in ruins and I am alone.
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I closed my great-great grandmothers journal. This is what its come to, I thought. A war against the Gigaanimals and Kyla.
I tucked the leather book into my kimono and brushed my short honey waves behind my ears.
"Paw!! It's time to go! Getamoveon!!"
I sighed and stood. Taking one last look in the mirror I rushed to the side of the stage. My friend Alana grinned at me and snapped her fan open in front of my face, "Our audience awaits." she said in a mock rich voice.
I smiled, "What ever you say."
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey, Layleun!
Ooh, cool story- I definitely like the peddler woman and her animals. Kind of a cool twist, huh? I also liked your voice, since it had elements of a few "classic" (but very boring) fantasy novels that I've read, but there was also something very modern and accesssible. Sorry I can't explain it better, but it was just cool.
KONO MONOGATARI WA II DESU: Demo...your title was confusing. Well, probably not to most, but that's what happens when you teach critiquers gaikokugo- they can rant on so many more levels!
*Layleun runs and hides*
Here's the thing: right now, your title reads "Winds, these specific, because of war."
Perhaps the multilingual grammar sticklers among us would be appeased if you put, "Sore Kaze Kara Sensoo". That way, it's "These specific winds, caused by war." When you're making sentences in Nihongo, make sure you put the modifiers towards the beginning- the 'this, that, very, too little' etc (the things that make everything so much more complicated).
Also- you gave us the date an everything in Japanese, but the characters have Anglicized names in an Anglicized place. It just doesn't fit. The 'gigaanimals' is a bit clumsy to read, so...the perfect place to showcase your mad language skills!
でかい [dekai]- huge, humongous
おき [oki]- large
どうぶつ [doobutsu]- animal
A GOOD HOOK: Here's the thing: most stories with morals start out with a description of a picturesque landscape, so we feel extra guilty when the Huns or someone start attacking and everything is ruined. That's a bad thing. There's nothing more offputting than a story that's supposed to teach you something, right?
That's why it's important to come up with a good hook. You can use the birds of the forest and smiling happy children and whatnot, but it's got to be unique.
What's different about these deer? Are they purple? What about the birdsongs? Do the birds recite Mozart? That sort of thing. What's going to make this region extra special?
This way, you can destract your readers from the fact that you're pulling an Everything Was Pefect Before Disaster card. And, it'll just be plain cool.
Feel free to PM me if you've got any questions, or want me to take a look at something else. Hope to see ichiban shoo soon!
An interesting start. I'd have liked it to be longer and to introduce your main character more but I suppose that shall be done in the next part...
Very, very good!!
There was hardly any mistakes at all.
Semi colon here? Or reword the last line so it fits in better with the others.
"Short honey waves"? Weird. I know you're talking about her hair, but make it clearer. Perhaps, "...and brushed my short, honey coloured hair behind my ears." Or you could just say hair, and put in the description at a later date, as it's not vital that we know what colour her hair is right now.
Full stop instead of comma.
Kill all exclamation marks!!!! That is, just stick with putting one in, and it's better if you do add spaces between words, even if you're showing that she's saying it quickly or whatever.
Very good beginning.
-T