Published March 28, 2009
UNTITLED(FOR NOW)
BY: ME
What do pretty, popular girls with unsafe secrets, dirty surprises, and miraculous changes have in common? They’re all my friends. But here’s the thing . . . I’m one of them.
. . . . .
Aubrey
PART 1
“Mom! Get up! You need to take me to school!” Aubrey yelled. She didn’t understand why she was the one yelling at her Mom to get up. But then again, this was her daily routine.
“Coming”, her Mom groaned back. Her Mom was an all-day fitness coach for people like Ashlee Simpson and Britney Spears. She worked when she wanted I guess you could say.
Aubrey ran back and fourth through her house in her three-inch high heels, Abercrombie “Maddie” jeans, and a light pink Aeropostale shirt making sure she didn’t forget anything.After checking her pink on pink room a third time, she realized she had everything she needed. So she ran downstairs, grabbed a banana, and hopped in her Mom’s Lexus.
On her way to her school, Caleb Greenwood All Girls Middle School, her pink Pantech Matrix vibrated, telling her that she had received a message:
Reese: Hey. I got majr gossip.
Aubrey texted back automatically, full of excitement.
Aubrey: Oh ma gawd! Gossip?. . .ma fav. Spill!
And with that message being replied to, Aubrey had just gotten herself into something she should’ve never gotten nto.
Mod: Watch the caps!
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140,277 Literary Works • 673,071 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okayyy...well this is quite an interesting point for us to be at here. Its I suppose sort of a first chapter or something like a first part of a first chapter judging by the tone here...and well it does seem to work that way at least for the moment. It does cut off abruptly but I assume that perhaps this part isn't fully complete considering its called just a part one.
If it isn't a part though, that ending is potentially not really going to be working out here so you'd need to take a second look at things and either sort of glide this more gracefully to an ending by expanding on this a bit more or up the tension there at the end and do something to make a bit of a cliffhanger arise.
Besides that issue with the ending though, I think you've done a decent job of constructing the character of the mother and this person as well and the descriptions manage to be pretty solid there without going on for too long. Overall, this is a pretty solid start, it could do with a bit of polishing but for the most part it works.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
woot woot chikita!! nice story wait whos Aubdry? Is that u maddie susie? i know siri's reese...oh well! write some more chapters!! i wanna read more!
omg you should write more of that i love how you put like your life into the story.
Am i Reese?
is that why you asked if i couuld change my name what it would be?
you had spelling errors but i wont make a big deal.
overall good.
write more of it.
oh yea what was the gossip?
Hey there, Layla! Welcome to YWS! I'm June, and I'm going to review this for you!
Let's put corrections first, and other stuff later:
• Put that comma inside of the quotation mark, dearie.
• threw in this line should be "through".
SO. Let's go on:
Unnecessary details: Watch how much information you include in your stories through info-dumping.
Info-dumping is where you present your audience with a large amount of information in an uninteresting way.
For instance, (I'm not saying that your work is uninteresting, by the way. It is interesting
To be honest, it's not too necessary to give this information to us at the very beginning like this. Why is this necessary in the story, dear?
I think that instead of focusing on what she has, dear, you should focus on who she is. Most likely, what she has makes who she is, but make herself the greater role. For now it seems like this character is trying too hard to be "upper-class."
You've got potential, though, dear. Keep it up!
June
Any questions? PM me!
Oh, by the way, I love your avatar.
Going to see them in concert soon. Anyways, this was a pretty good start to your story. Here are a few errors I found.
I checked my Ipod. It's actually spelled Ashlee
This sentence was a little weird. Maybe you could change it to something like: After checking her pink on pink room a third time, she realized had everything she needed. Or something similar.
This sentence was a little weird too. I get what you're trying to say but maybe you could re-word it to something like: Aubrey had just gotten herself into something she never should've gotten into. It's just the same thing without the second 'herself.'
Alright, this was interesting and I'm looking forward to seeing what you will make out of it. With what you have so far you can definitely make something very original. Good luck!