Published January 16, 2010
I know this isn't poetry okayy. So I get it now. It's supposed to be fictional or whatever so ya.
" 'Perfect
I walk by you as you pass by me.
Yours eyes reaching mine,
Grasping my soul,
Filling in the cracks of my heart
and making it skip beats.
I bet you don't know you do this to me right?
Did you know I think about you day and night, everyday?
Did you know that I love you?
But does anyone really know what love is?
Love mends the world together.
Love hides all the pain.
It isn't about finding a special, perfect person,
It's about seeing someone completely imperfect, perfectly.
And that's what you are; perfectly imperfect."
THe girl looks up at the boy as the boy looks up at her.
"Whos this for?" she asks.
"Oh, just this one girl" he says.
"it's really cute. You should show it to her"
"I just did"
Interpret this however you like. This isn't about anyone I just made it up.
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Hey there!
The problem for me is that this doesn't feel too much like a poem. That's kind of for two reasons. Number one is that the way it's written doesn't flow in a poetic way; it is free-form but you need to have something there. the second is that it skips around from part of a story, to unanswered questions, to dialogue. It's not focusing on emotions and suchlike. Perhaps you could try to tweak that a little? Just an idea.
~Amy
Okay, well I'm not going to say I loved it, but it's not all that bad. I'm not so fond on the subject of "Oh he/she peers deep into my soul, why doesn't he/she love me?" But I'll deal
.
.
So, what I think of it, is that it doesn't really seem like a poem. It doesn't give me any real deep feelings or emotion, and that's what poetry is pretty much about. It was really lacking any kind of poetic examples, or a flow really. It's more like a declaration of love, which in that sense it's cute, but I don't really think it's a poem. But I'm tired and very much in need of sleep, so good luck keep writing, and you'll improve
Hey,
Before I start, just a couple of errors:
That might be intentional for whatever reason, but to me it just looks like random punctuation.
Anyway, now the nitpicking is over!
I like this bit, but maybe you should cut the 'and'?
This part's a bit repetitive, I know you've done that on purpose, but in my opinion it doesn't work. Maybe you could think of something to replace the last line, it just seems a bit bland.
This bit seems like it's going off from the topic a bit.
I like this bit.
I think the ending is wonderful. I know it's probably been done before, but this is the first time I've seen it -- but that's probably because I don't often read love poetry.
Either way, I enjoyed reading this.