The silence of the cave wasn't peaceful; it was heavy, like the earth was trying to press the breath out of my lungs.
“Did I even matter?!”
I didn’t just say it—I screamed it. My voice tore through the damp air, hitting the jagged limestone walls and bouncing back in a distorted, mocking chorus. Matter... matter... matter... matter... The echo sounded like a stranger laughing at me.
I stood there, my boots sinking into the wet silt of the cave floor. I was shaking so hard I thought my bones might rattle out of my skin. Across from me, tucked in the shadows of a flickering flashlight beam, stood the person who knew all my secrets. My best friend. My sister in every way that counted.
She didn't move. She just stared at me, her face a pale mask of shock.
“Answer me!” I choked it out. The tightness in my chest was moving upward, a hot, suffocating burn in my throat. “Was any of it real? Or was I just a project to you? Someone to keep you busy until you found someone better?”
She took a single step back. That small movement hurt worse than a physical blow. It was the sound of a bridge snapping. Her eyes widened, shimmering with a layer of tears that she didn't let fall, and then she slowly shook her head. She didn't have a defense. She didn't even have a lie to give me.
I let out a laugh, but it sounded jagged—a hollow, broken noise that caught in my teeth.
“I knew it,” I whispered. The anger was draining out, replaced by a cold, numbing weight. “God, I’m so stupid. I actually thought you loved me. I thought when the rest of the world walked away, you were the one person who’d stay behind.”
The cave grew quiet again, except for the frantic, uneven rhythm of my breathing. It was far too loud in the small space. I looked at her—really looked at her—and saw the guilt written in the slump of her shoulders. I realized then that I didn't want an apology. An apology couldn't unbreak the last three years.
I felt a final, sharp snap inside my chest. It wasn't loud, but it was absolute.
"I understand goodbye now," I said. My voice was eerily calm; the kind of calm that comes right before a storm levels a house.
I turned my back on her. The darkness of the tunnel leading out looked inviting compared to the sight of her face. Every step I took felt like walking through lead. A single tear finally escaped, sliding down my cheek and hitting the stone floor with a tiny, sharp patter that felt like an explosion in the silence.
I reached for my wrist, my fingers brushing the braided cord of the bracelet she had given me. We’d promised we’d wear them until they fell off.
I didn't wait for it to fall. I hooked my thumb under the string and yanked.
The cord dug into my skin for a second before it gave way. I didn't look at the pieces. I just opened my hand and let the beads scatter. They clattered against the rocks, rolling into the dark crevices of the cave, lost forever.
I walked out into the cold night air, leaving the girl I used to call my best friend behind in the dark. I didn't look back. I couldn't. If I looked back, I might have stayed, and I was done being the only one holding on.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,734 Reviews
Hello!
One word: wow. This is a really good start and you should definetly continue! Perfect writing style, suspense, techniques... I also like the plot. The beginning is also good, when you say that the silence was not peaceful but heavy. I have no suggestions right now, except keep writing!!!
I don't have much time to review this right now or I would have writen more, but I really enjoyed reading it. Thank you!
Have a nice day
thanks so sweet of you i will keep writing
I'm guessing this is an excerpt from a book you're working on. If it is it's got amazing potential, you've definitely got a way with words. I love how descriptive you are in the story. I honestly don't really understand what's going on in the story, but it's got me hooked, like I want to know what's going to happen next. Like, why are they in a cave? Is this friend drama? Or is it something much deeper? Like supernatural, or murder? What has been going on for the past three years? I don't know, but I'm really curious to find out.
Sorry if my review isn't great, but I definitely think your story is worth continuing. I think my favorite part is how you described her ripping off the bracelet. It is so poetic the way you did it, like you didn't just say she ripped it off. You described the slight physical pain of it digging into her skin that she was willing to endure, just to give the message of their broken friendship. And the way she just allowed the beads to scatter, instead going to pick them up, shows she truly gave up on their relationship. If she hadn't truly given up on their relationship, she would've saved the beads 'just in case'.
You have a true work of art going for you here, and it definitely is worth continuing.
hey there LayLay! i haven't reviewed any of your other works so this is my first impression of your writing, and i liked it a lot : )
i like this as a prologue because it establishes a few things but also sparks a few questions.
the reader now knows about the narrators relationship with their (ex) best friend, and a lot about the best friend especially.
i like the line
'Or was I just a project to you? Someone to keep you busy until you found someone better?”'
because to me it implies that the narrator might have been a bit of a social underdog in this relationship, at least at the start. it reminds me of glinda and elphaba, though i haven't seen the movie or play yet, so i digress... :3
i like the way you describe the cave, also, it's very immersive. i hope this cave is important in the future, though, because otherwise it might be a little distracting that they're having a big emotional climax in some random cave. it would be a really fun parallel if this was the cave they met in, for example.
i have nothing to say about the structure of this piece, because your grammar and spelling is great. though the first line
'The silence of the cave wasn't peaceful; it was heavy, like the earth was trying to press the breath out of my lungs.'
did make me stumble a bit. i do like that you described the silence as heavy instead of peaceful, but the earth-part made me imagine the narrator was buried in some way. maybe you could change it to something like 'it was heavy, like it was trying to press the breath out of my lungs'?
i also really liked the ending. it felt really final and emotional without the characters actually saying anything. i think the detail of the beads scattering everywhere into little grooves and cracks where you can never get them back serves this scene a lot.
overall, great work! i liked this piece a lot, thanks for sharing!
thanks :3
Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the jinxed S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - This person is trapped in a cave with someone who used to be their best friend, only to learn that this person doesn’t even care about them the way they initially thought and in their sadness/anger, this person breaks the friendship bracelet and leaves this girl behind.
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I have no recommendations to make as of right now, but if you would like to edit this, then you may.
Chocolate Bar - I like that you have this conversation with the characters (not really a convo but still) about a friendship that’s broken happening in the darkness of a cave. It feels like they might be the only two people left on Earth and now they don’t even have each other. The echoing sounding like mocking laughter was a nice touch, really makes it all eerie.
Closing Graham Cracker - Overall, a wonderful little prologue to your story! I’ll be sure to check out the upcoming chapters. I enjoyed reading this and…
I wish you an amazing day/night! ^v^