There were footnotes, so if you have any questions, just say so. Oh, one other thing: Chrizxta is pronounced "Kriz-ex-ta".
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Prologue
There were times when the castle was at a halt, frozen in warfare and anger. Those days were harsh and cruel on the citizens of the kingdom. These long periods seemed to last forever until the war was over, and then our kingdom would be joyful and happy again. The villagers lost their mean and callous ways from the war and began a new life—happiness and simplicity until the next battle broke out.
The duration of the cruel times and happy times depended on the stability of our kingdom at the time, meaning that our present king’s nature depended on the happiness of the castle. If our king was bent on starting wars and killing members of his own court, our society would perish in vindictiveness and evil. The times the citizens loved were those when our ruler was happy and realistic. Usually, these roles alternated: evil king, happy king, evil king, happy king.
People would laugh during those peaceful reigns. They would laugh about the harshness of the last king and the terrible wars he caused. Everyone talked lightly of something we called the Double-Time, the time when the evil kings would reign two centuries. Two hundred years. We joked about the Double-Time, thinking nothing of it. Until it actually came.
It happened at a cold, wintery royal election. Our last king had been King Lionel. He had been strong and mighty, but equally peaceful and kind. The people had loved him. Then, his time was over and he was taken by the Peaceful Death. Now, we waited. Surely, we were going to have an evil king, but no one knew how long the vice would essentially last.
Two Upheaders stood at silent wooden podiums. The first Upheader was gentle-looking. He was the happy king. Beside him, hunching distastefully was a grimacing Malville. Malville had been our past king’s least favourite court member. Malville had always disagreed with King Lionel and had stolen from the poor and given to the rich. The opposite of Robin Hood. Everyone knew Malville would win, no matter how many voted for the joyous Ophile, the happy king. Malville had men. Men who could kill.
No mercy was shown that terrifying night of election. The good citizens felt Malville’s first wrath. In order to diminish his sole competitor, he poisoned the regal Ophile. Malville was certainly going to be next. And after that, his son. And then his son’s son and so on. A whole row of Malvilles.
That night, the kingdom of Iffrar fell into a long, desperate sleep, the sleep of the Double-Time. Walking home, children did not frolic in the streets and the parents were still, understanding the castle’s political situation. Peace had fled, leaving War to take its place. And Iffrar slept. The world of Chrizxta became infected.
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hey Lav, it's Stella!
I. NITPICKS
I remain unconvinced by names that need pronunciation guides.
our kingdom? We've had no sense of your narrator yet.
He doesn't get a name?
Yeah, we get that.
Alright.
II. PROLOGUES
Tell me, what is the point of this prologue? What is there in it that we couldn't read later when your character learns their history? Remember your beginning is your chance to grip your readers attention, but yours isn't doing that. You need to consider if this is really necessary- right now you have no plot, no character, nothing but background, and not even character background. It's a history lesson, and not exactly thrilling.
III. OVERALL
For what it is, it's alright, but I know you could do way better!
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x
Hi LavenderBlue! I’m Zan. I just happened to stop by, and I thought your summary sounded interesting, so here I am for some fun prologue-reading action. : )
)
I have to say that this chapter so far has a lot of interesting potential. From the opening sentence, this prologue had me pretty interested, and, even though it was short and did very little but introduce the world, I’m definitely curious enough to go on to chapter one—always a great sign. I’m really excited to see how this is going to tie in to the plotline introduced in the summary. The world on its own in enough to pique my curiosity as well, though—I can’t help but wonder about all these wars that are mentioned at the beginning. Who with? And why? And what will happen to the kingdom because of them? There’s just enough questions to keep me holding on for the next chapter, and I have a feeling this is going to get even better and more exciting once I have a character to attach my interest to.
I’m not sure I can comment on the development of your villain very much, since this is such a short section, but I do agree that he seems almost parody-like in his evil—right now, I half expect him to start cackling and stroking a cat. I do think that it might be a good idea to think over his motivations, to try and give him as much development and consideration as possible so that, when you’re done, you really do have a complex and compelling villain on your hands. To be honest, a lot of the time, for me, the difference between good fantasy and bad fantasy is the antagonist. One who is a full, developed character in his or her own right can add a lot of interest and depth to a story even if the hero(ine) is bland (which I certainly hope yours isn’t
I am also a little confused about whether you have a traditional monarchy or some sort of elected deal here—it seems as though the kings of Iffrar are elected from the Upheaders for awhile, but then you mention that the bad king’s descendants are going to take over… Why didn’t the other bad kings’ descendants take over? Were they usurped? And if they were how come the people don’t think they can overthrow this king? And if there is some sort of voting system in place, who keeps voting for the bad kings, anyway?
In happier news, I really like your narrative style, and I’ve got no nitpicks whatsoever about your prose. Your opening and ending sentences were both especially great—the first one was really hooking and the final one was pretty powerful and made me want to read on. And overall, the narrative just has this really great epic feel going for it that I myself have never quite gotten the grasp of in fantasy.
Despite a little rockiness and confusion, this is a great start, and I can’t wait to meet your characters and really dive down deep into your world. I’m looking forward to reading another chapter, if you’ll allow. ^_^
Hi, I just wanted to say that this was really good! I'm not usually into fantasy but I loved your creativness. I also really liked how the different kings thing was so accepted, like that is the way things are.
I'm off to read chapter one, keep it up
Hey there.
Let me just say that the very first thing that jumped out at me was the fact that you needed to tell us how to pronounce the name of the kingdom, and that's the first way to tell there's a problem. While exotic names may look nice, you must ask yourself this: are they pronounceable to the average person? Can they be memorized by the average person? Also, does it fit in with the other names in the setting? If the answer is no, then you should probably change it, or at least change the spelling so you get the same sound with less confusion from your readers. Personally, as I was reading this my brain simply registered the combination of letters as, "the place in which the story takes place." I never grasped how it was pronounced or spelled, it was just, "the name of that place." This is something you should avoid.
Another thing that bothered me was your election of the new king. You seem to have the standard fantasy monarchy here, and I know that this would likely be the situation if the last king had no legitimate heirs. What I don't like about this section is how this process of determining a new king reminded me so much of modern presidential elections, especially the wooden podium part. Also, I'd like to point out that in monarchies, assuming there are no direct blood ties to the late king and there are two nobles who have equal claims to the throne, that the other nobles would determine who had the right to the throne, not the people. The fact that you have the people determining the next king makes your nation more of a democracy, and thus the title of king and the identity of a kingdom seem terribly out of place. So I'd like to recommend figuring out exactly what form of government you want and thoroughly researching it. I'd also like to suggest different wording so readers won't make the association with the modern world, as well as showing the factors and people who decide who makes it on the throne.
Also, the obviously evil candidate? How about thinking his plans through a bit more? I felt that the outright killing of his opponent was extremely rash of him, because I'm making assumptions of the other nobles based on what I feel is a standard reaction. While fear may be an effective way to keep others in check, what's to say that this noble is liked amongst his peers? He's obviously evil, so isn't it natural that everyone has every reason to hate him and do everything they can to ensure he stays off the throne? Also, how long has this lord been in office? If it has been a long time, then why haven't the other nobles acted against him yet, and if they have how did he make it this far? These are things that don't need to get taken care of so early on, but they're things you really have to know. I'm not really sure these sort of questions have been answered, mostly because I don't see a fully formed and functional government. The world falls flat for me because I only see the plot-relevant character and no one else, and this especially hurts because your story is dealing a little with politics, which is a complicated interaction between many people with their own agendas, connections, and various social factors.
On narration, this does have a fairy-tale style, and it's nice. However, I think you can improve by proofreading and figuring out which words and synonyms of such come up too often. While reading I noticed that certain words and combinations kept appearing, and it bothered me. I think you can get more creative with your description, figuring out different ways of phrasing so that it's not so repetitive and dry.
All in all, I feel that if you answer some tough questions reasonably, figure out exactly what you want to do and how that will happen, research, and be original, you might have something good on your hands. Keep working at it!
Feel free to PM me if you have any questions.
Hai!
As this is short and good, I’m going for the nitpicks here.
“At a halt” is used more to describe an event, something that’s been going on before but has now stopped. Do you mean that the castle is silent?
This would sound better as “harsh and cruel for the citizens”.
So, is there a series of battles or a series of wars? I think it might be better to talk about battles – they are battles, aren’t they? Lot of battles in a war, not a series of wars?
The bolded bit seems at odds with the rest of the tone of the piece. So far, it’s been gently melancholic, dignified, like it’s being read by Cate Blanchett a la The Lord of the Rings. Then you talk about the castle’s political situation, and the fairy-tale tone gets cracked. I’m not sure what you could put instead – just anything that doesn’t involve the word “politics”.
Mmm... unpronounceable name alert.
~
Hai! I liked this; in spite of the fantasy-fantastical names. I loved the tone and the voice of the narrator. As I said, it really reminds me of Galadriel’s voice-over at the beginning of LOTR. As a prologue it works; I’d definitely read on for more, but I’d be careful that it doesn’t become too fantastical – Evil Ruler with weird name does Evil Things. That’s only a warning, as it doesn’t seem to be going that way. I’m intrigued by the fact that the people are fully aware that they’re going to get an Evil Dude In Charge, but don’t do anything about it. It’s kind of like political correctness gone out of control.
Keep writing and PM me if you have any questions!