If you wish to read the Prologue and Chapter One before reading this, here's the link to my novel: novel.php?id=394
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Chapter Two: Desolate Plains
I ran down the dirt road, my flimsy sandals slapping down hard against the tough sand. The faster I collected my things, the easier I would be able to get away. Unfortunately for me, Beatrice was waiting in front of the doorway I needed to get through.
“Where did you go?” The Sewing Mistress demanded.
“Um...” I had no explanation, besides telling her I was fleeing Iffrar, which I would not say. “I...”
“You what?” Beatrice’s face was turning red.
“Uh, one of the jesters from King Malville’s court lost a leg!” My words sped out of my silly mouth.
“My, my, he lost a leg, you say?” Beatrice’s beady eyes turned into needle points. Ah, the eyes of a Sewing Mistress.
“Yes. Yes, he did. I was summoned to go, uh, soothe it,” I made up.
“Fine, you are excused. I expect you in the Sewing Lodge immediately,” The Sewing Mistress’s fat figure shambled away. I breathed a sigh of profound relief.
Once Beatrice had disappeared into the dim distance, I hurried through the servant’s room doorway. Maria was sitting cross-legged on the floor. I muttered a quiet hello and bent to gather my extra things.
“What are you doing?” Maria asked. I was wholly expecting that question.
“Be quiet,” I replied, still busying myself with packing.
“I want to know, Seraphina,” Maria said gently. No matter how my friend was spoken to, she always answered calmly.
“Loren is taking me with him,”
“Where?”
“How should I know? Knights go everywhere!” I cried, turning around in frustration. I hated so many questions.
“Yes, I guess,”
“I’m sorry I yelled at you, Maria. I’m just...Overwhelmed,” It was no excuse and I knew it, but I had to say something.
“I understand. I will miss you, friend,” Maria’s voice broke. I couldn’t believe I was abandoning my only friend in Iffrar. I had to leave, though.
“I’m sorry, Maria, but it’s my only chance. I promise that when I am rich with freedom, I will come back. I will,” Those were my last words to my best friend since childhood. I left after that, holding my meagre valuables in a muddy cloth sack. I left for a long time.
*
I lay on the bed in the lodging Loren and I had been given. It was extremely comfortable compared to my thin straw bed, but Loren complained that it was cheap. So far, the handsome knight had sat on the armchair positioned right to the streaming sunbeams. He had just sat there, still as serene water. Loren held a thick, leather-covered book in his hand but hadn’t once opened it. I was interested to know what he was thinking.
The question escaped through my lips, leaving a self-anger I hated. “What are you thinking?”
Loren’s face turned to me. He didn’t seem angry, but nor was he joyful.
“I’m sorry to pry, but you have just been sitting in the chair. Silently, I might add,” I scolded myself mentally. Why must I be so nosy?
“You have reasons to want to know, and if you don’t mind, I actually might want to tell you,” His reply came as a surprise for me since I hadn’t thought he would respond at all.
“I don’t mind,” I stared into his unblinking eyes. They pierced me unmercifully until I bent my own down to my lap.
“Let me begin,” And he began.
Loren told me about his short time as a child, when he had no care in the world. He told me about his younger sister, Lifta , and how one day, playing outside, odd people with charcoal hair and grassy-green tunics came riding up to them.
“They called on me, labelling me Knight Loren. My sister knew that being called a Knight was an extreme honour,” Loren explained. “I was taken to be trained professionally that night. I was nine.”
I sent out my sympathy to Loren. I knew how he must have felt, departing his mother and sister at such a juvenile age. I understood, having been made an Iffrarian servant at nine as well.
The rest of the knight’s life dwelled on battles and countless other people. I learned that his life was dull and that Loren wished for some excitement. Even though Loren was not calling for pity, I gave it to him in copious amounts. I’m sure he drowned in it.
When the desolate story had finished, it seemed like all Loren had wanted to do was lift his huge weight off his shoulders. He was relieved and I empathized well.
“You have led a sad life, Loren. But I promise you, I promise, to make your life have adventure,” My promise was fulfilled the next day.
*
Loren and I were crudely awakened by the blinding dawn sun. I heard Loren grunt incoherently and the rustling of a person turning over in their sleep. I smiled to myself. I was sleeping in a place besides an insect-infested bed and I had proper food. It wouldn’t last for long.
A few minutes after Loren had grumbled tiredly, the knight was up and dressed. He stood unmoving at the end of the bed, looking at me. I opened one eyelid.
“Miss Seraphina needs sleep, but we must not hold off any longer,” Loren said once he had noticed my slow awakening.
“Please address me as Seraphina, as I address you Loren,” I grumbled, but I sat up. I plumped a pillow behind me, adjusting it just so I could sit contentedly in bed.
Loren nodded, acknowledging my wishes. Then he spoke again. “We need to leave quickly. King Malville has been notified of your absence!”
“How do you know?” My voice was calm and relaxed, but inside I was a pool of nervousness.
“I have ways, Seraphina, but this moment is not the time for explaining. Get out of bed and dress!” Loren cried, throwing a bundle of clothes from my sack at me. “And we must buy new clothes for you! These are absolutely wretched!” Loren walked rapidly out of the room. I was left in a daze from such hullabaloo already.
After I had brushed my hair and slipped on appropriate garments, I snatched my traveling sack up into my arms and hastily made it down the stairs. Loren was talking with Loretta’s husband, namely the inn manager. Loren noticed me right away.
“Well, I must depart now. I hope the money I gave you was sufficient enough for the night we stayed,” Loren finished his conversation with the manager. The manager grunted in reply as Loren whisked me off to the stables out back.
“I haven’t yet been able to organise a horse for you, so we must ride together on Didrick,” The knight said, lifting me by the waist onto his midnight stallion. Then he hopped up behind me, pulling the reins around my body. I flinched as the side of a rein lashed at my sides.
“Excuse them, they have a mind of their own,” Loren smiled into my ear.
“We do! We do!” A high-pitched voice vibrated in my ear.
“Ray and Rau , please be quiet!” Loren replied to the voice. Then he whipped the reins and Didrick galloped out of the stables. The horse went through the main street and ran through the Iffrarian kingdom gates, adorned in golden designs. I had never been outside the gates, and now I was.
The land was yellow with thirst and the sky was a light blue, free of clouds. This barren land was not what I had expected. It belonged to no one.
*
When the sun was high above us and our bodies perspired in bounteousness, Loren stopped the horse. He climbed down and took me off Didrick too. In a satchel attached to the horse, he pulled out a small lunch of dried fruit, nuts and some stale bread.
“Where did you get that?” I asked with interest. I was hungry.
“Loretta gave it to us,” Loren replied, laying the food out on the little cloth it came wrapped up in.
“I thought you didn’t want anyone to know where we were going.”
“I didn’t tell her where we were going. It is totally expected for someone to offer traveling food when you stay at an inn,” Loren answered. “Travelers usually stay at inns.” The sarcasm drooled off of Loren’s words and landed in a clump at my feet.
Without any more words to be spoken, us two disgruntled travelers sat down to enjoy an awkward sunny lunch in the middle of desolate plains. I munched quietly on the bread and fruit, but left the nuts. I wasn’t partial to eating them. When the food was somewhat eaten, Loren wrapped it all back up again and stuffed it back into the satchel.
“We mustn’t eat all the food the first day. I don’t like hunting in these lands for the creatures are relatively poisonous,” Loren told me. Again, I was hauled back up on Didrick with Loren after me. We started a slow jog, and then sped back up to a gallop.
The rest of the afternoon went by hot and slow, every so often we stopped at the rare pool of water. Loren explained that water was hard to find and we might as well take water when we got the chances. I expressed my major worry about the water a few nights in from our departure from Iffrar.
“How do you know if the water is tainted or not?” I asked.
“I look at the colour, Seraphina. If it’s any colour besides clear, brown or a greeny-blue, it’s bad,” Loren replied, turning a log in our small fire. Clear isn’t necessarily a colour, I wanted to say. I didn’t though; knowing Loren wasn’t open for any chutzpah.
When the fire died down and the warmth slowly evaporated into the chilly air, Loren and I curled up across the fire from each other in our blankets. Loren’s eyes drooped closed immediately, but I turned my back to him and looked out to the gloomy countryside. I recognised the tall looming shadows as trees or ragged bushes. I stared thoughtlessly out into the no man’s land for a little longer before my fatigue won over my will, closing my eyes.
*
Abruptly, I awoke from my deep sleep. The fire was out completely and a sudden chill crawled down my spine. At first, I was frightened from the night, but then my eyes adjusted to the darkness. I still saw the shadowy vegetation scattered carelessly through the mysterious plains, but there was something different. There was a thing and it was moving. My heart hurdled itself into my throat and I clutched my scratchy blanket closer to me. I couldn’t do anything but wake Loren. So I did. When I woke Loren up, I pointed out the moving thing. No words were needed for the knight to understand.
“It’s a night-spirit,” Loren groaned, but lifted himself from the wild floor. Noticing my confused expression, he added: “I’ll explain later.”
We quickly packed our things back up and mounted Didrick. Quicker than I could have believed, Loren had galloped Didrick far away from the mysterious night-spirit.
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hello again, Lav! I really hope you don’t mind that I continue to review this story. ^_^;;
This was another really great chapter, and I’m really excited for how it develops the relationship between Seraphina and Loren. Things seem a bit more strained between them than I had noticed in the revious chapter, which I think is interesting and opens up a great potential for conflict. After all, Loren is dragging Seraphina off on some adventure, away from her home, in a strange land, and he refuses to explain anything about what his reason for taking her might be, about what he’s fleeing or how he knows it’s chasing him, about who he is or what his mission might be. I can see how it might be frustrating for Seraphina, and I think it’s very realistic that she is struggling to accept it and is struggling with Loren’s stubborn refusal to explain anything. It’s also realistic that Loren gets frustrated and short with her, considering that Seraphina comes from sort of an isolated life and simply wouldn’t know things that are obvious to Loren. The conflict between them is really believable, and I think it’s going to lend a lot to them as they grow both as individuals and together.
This is a really great chapter for Loren’s character development, by the way. In the previous chapter, he really didn’t have much in the way of character traits, so I like that he’s growing and developing a lot more with this chapter. He’s got a lot of great lines here, and I like the stubbornness and sarcasm we get beyond the kindness that he showed in the previous chapter. It’s clear that there’s a reason for taking Seraphina with him that goes beyond the goodness of his heart, and I’m excited to find out what it is.
Seraphina’s pretty good in this chapter as well—both in her relationship with Loren as I previously mentioned and in her own moments. I like how, despite the struggles and the pain that she’s been through, she can still find it in her heart to sympathize with Loren’s ennui and desire for adventure; even though she’s had it much, much worse. She seems like a really sweet and likable person, and I know why I’m rooting for her as my protagonist. At the same time, though, I like the less gentle sides of her personality, especially in the scene before the night-spirit approaches and she’s just sort of frustrated and wants to forget everything.
I also like the flashes of development for your world that we’re getting in this chapter. Things like the night-spirit seem interesting, and I can’t wait to see how they relate to Loren and Seraphina as well as her supposed destiny of being the Singer. It seems like things on this journey might be a bit more sinister than they appear, which is an interesting prospect. I definitely get the feeling that it’s more than just Malville they’re fleeing. Plus, the talking reins are just cool. XD
I have to admit that I’m a little disappointed that Maria is being left behind, because of how well the interactions between her and Seraphina work. However, I imagine that’s just how things are going to have to be for the story—the dynamic between the main characters would probably be thrown off a lot if Maria were to come along. I don’t mind it, really, as long as Maria doesn’t get completely forgotten about and never mentioned again. XD I still do think that Seraphina leaves her just a little too easily, though. Maybe I’m just overly sentimental, but I can’t imagine that leaving behind my best friends, maybe forever, is something I could handle without getting all emotional.
I’ve only got one nitpick here:
This might just be an element of your world, and if it is, ignore me—but I’m really not sure that this is how it works. XD Cholera and the like aren’t all that visible, after all.
Otherwise, though, I’m really, really enjoying this story. Please keep up the good work, and I hope you won’t mind my incessant bothering of you if I go on to chapter two. XD
Hello.
One thing I noticed, just glancing at the work, is you use "said tags" every time somebody is speaking. A "said tag" is the tag at the end of dialogue that contains "said" or another word to replace it. It's alright to use these in moderation, but it's a good idea to switch it up periodically with "action tags." That is, the character does an action before speaking, and that action is what lets readers know who is speaking. Action tags also have the added benefit of letting us know what the character's speaking habits are, and provide a lot more characterization than "said tags." Not just because of the speaking habits, but people tend to react physically to other people speaking. It gets us into a character's head a bit more. Chances are if you look at dialogue in a published novel, you'll see it's a mix of said tags and action tags.
Also, the dialogue punctuation. This line was the first I saw:
That comma should be a period. Because her walking away is not a "said tag" (Ie- is not a continuation of the dialogue) the dialogue should end with a period. This article goes into more depth on the subject.
Finally, "The Sewing Mistress" should be "the Sewing Mistress," if "sewing mistress" is a title at all. When looking at a title, "the" should remain uncapitalized. Here is a guide to punctuation that has capitalization near the bottom.
In general, I'd work on everything in and around the dialogue. The dialogue itself is alright, but the tags aren't so much and the punctuation could be brushed up on. And some parts of the dialogue are iffy, such as the Mistress believing that lie.
Hope this helps. PM me if you have any questions.
~Rosey
Hello Lavender! I am here to review today!
#FF0000 ">Red- Corrections
#0000FF ">Blue- Comments
#00FF00 ">Green- Take out
#FF40BF ">Pink- Highlighting
Okay, overall, good start. It seems that everything is being rushed and the story will be finished in a matter of ten chapters. Try slowing this down, show detail. For example,
For this, you could reword it into, The blinding light from the dawn sun burst through the window, awakening Loren and I almost crudely. It may not be the best example, but maybe something like that. (:
If you add enough detail to everything, the stars could change into chapters, possibly. Just make sure the chapters are long enough if you do so! It's an idea. (: Other than that, good start! I am sorry if I hurt your feelings in anyway, it's never my intention! Keep writing! Let me know if you have any questions!(: