Published December 10, 2011
And so more rhymes!
*
Snow is falling lightly, softly landing
on shingled rooftops, ornate flakes expanding.
And within seconds, there are children small
Getting to work; there's fresh snow to haul.
Cold and sodden gloves hug Lilliputian
hands that mold, shape and roll a snowman revolution.
Out come the Christmas scarves, the snappy brown twigs
used for arms and heads of mops for wigs.
Soon, the smell of steaming hot chocolate
beckons in children who down the drinks lickety split.
And then out again they're shooed,
To build some more, spirit now renewed.
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Haha, I really liked that season piece - stumbly at places, yet evocative. Were I your designated editor, I'd have proposed something along these lines
Snow is falling lightly, softly piling
on shingled rooftops, ornate flakes combining.
In mere seconds, children great and small,
All jump to work - there's fresh snow to haul.
Cold and sodden gloves hug hands of Lilliputians,
That roll, give shape, and mold a snowman revolution.
Christmas scarves are fetched, and brittle twigs,
Are used for arms, and heads of mops - for wigs.
The smell of steaming chocolate beckons children in,
They down their drinks and pile on out again.
Cheeks pink, breath smoking, spirit now renewed,
They haul and build, forgetting chores and food.
I really like this poem, very sweet and heart-warming!
"Snow is falling lightly, softly landing
on shingled rooftops, ornate flakes expanding.
And within seconds, there are children small
Getting to work; there's fresh snow to haul."
The first stanza is the best because it's got such a traditional christmas feel and the rhyme scheme and rythm work perfectly. I love the last two lines ofnthis stanza, they really are beautiful.
I have a couple of improvements, most significantly this line;
"beckons in children who down the drinks lickety split."
It's too long to fit with the rythm and I don't unferstand what "lickety split" means (although that might just be me and my limuted vocab!). Also although it's a half rhyme with "chocolate" you've used full rhymes the rest of the way through, so it does't quite feel right, I wouls suggest revising this line. My secind tiny issue is the line:
"used for arms and heads of mops for wigs."
I know it's only a small thing, but this line is desperate for a comma after "arms".
Overall this is a fantastic rhyme and I really enjoyed reading it!