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The Kidnapping

by Lauryn2128

Lauryn Hindman

Mrs. Fiske

6th hour5/7/15

The Kidnapping

The Kidnapping

I kept thinking about dying, hoping I would be ok. I sprinted down the corridor turning left and right, the ceiling seemed to cave in on me the farther I ran. I turned left, when suddenly I was thrown to the ground, a hand covering my mouth with so much force I couldn’t breathe. The hand was enormous, the fingers as white as snow from all the force he was putting on my face. I turned my head the slightest bit, but that was enough, I knew exactly who it was. There was no second guessing the ocean blue eyes and the dark tousled hair. A million memories flooded through my mind like a river. How could he do this to me? What was he doing to me I thought?

He let go of my mouth and grabbed my hands. He pulled out an old rope that was frayed in many places and started tying my wrists. My wrists burned, they were on fire, Then he grabbed my ankles and started tying them as well. Once he finally finished he lifted me up and threw me in a large, black bag and zipped it all the way to the top. I had no idea what was going on or if I would make it out alive. I heard the engine roar to life and came to the conclusion I was in the trunk of a car. I flailed left and right trying to escape, but it was no use. I was tied so tightly there was no way I could possibly free myself.

I had no where to go, no way of reaching out for help. The engine eventually stopped and I heard the trunk open. I squirmed around trying to scream for help but it was no use. I had a history with him, his name was Damon. He lived in my neighborhood and he had worked for my parents for many years, my family trusted him, so why was he doing this to me I thought.Finally, he grabbed the ropes that were tied around me and yanked me out of the truck. He dragged me inside this old abandoned building and started untying me. He dragged me over to a long, thick pole, and started to chain my arms around the back. Screeching, screaming, and scolding him I tried to break free, But every time I moved he whipped me with a belt creating long red marks. Every time he whipped me the pain would pulse through my body like a river. At last he stepped away giving me time to ask him a few questions.

“How could you do this to me?” I screamed.

But he didn’t respond, he just stood there staring at me, he started to walk closer. I stretched out my leg and kicked him with so much force he crippled to the ground.

“You idiot! Why did you kick me?” he screamed in my face.

Kicking, screaming and flailing I tried to knock him to the ground. He fell straight to the ground and I started to fumble with the chains. The chains, a big knot of metal, wouldn’t budge. Finally, I got the chains undone so I started to run. I ran as fast as the wind not daring to look back. My feet aching, and my stomach churning I kept running. I heard him running behind me. The dark room, frightening and traumatizing, sent chills down my spine. Damon came running around the corner, I sat on the cold ground, the walls stood up behind my back as I hid. He came around the corner, a gun in his hand. Immediately I thought back to yesterday running down the corridor trying to escape, I wished I could be in that position right now. I thought about dying, I knew this would be the end. A loud BANG rang through the echoing room. Everything went black, black as the night sky, black. I was not ok.  

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User avatar
415 Reviews

Points: 246
Reviews: 415

Tue May 03, 2016 6:01 am
Eros wrote a review...

Hello Lauryn!!

This is Eros here to write a review for this beautiful work!!

So, let us begin the review with the title. You title is attractive, catchy, and captivating. These are the characteristics of a good title.

Then the next part which comes is the theme and the main idea of the article/essay. I liked the theme of this piece. It was indeed, unique and mind blowing. How the narrator gets kidnapped, and what happens after the kidnapping. Then, how the narrator escapes, everything is described beautifully here. I appreciate you for this. The main idea on which the story is based, is also very nice.

Then, coming to next part of the review, which is the choice of set of the words. You have used appropriate words to describe everything. I like your choice of words.

Now what I liked the most. I liked how the story flowed, and how you have presented your thoughts in a different style. I like this the most.

So, I would now end up my review with the following lines:

It was a SUPERB work!
Keep writing...
Never cease...
Because we all love to keep reading such awesome works, like this one.
Have a great day/ night!!

User avatar
11 Reviews

Points: 801
Reviews: 11

Sat Jun 13, 2015 10:25 pm
RockenMageSammy wrote a review...

Hey, Sammy here. The story was interesting, but it was very fast and I couldn't figure out what was happening before or after. There weren't many feelings or thoughts from the main character considering that it is in first-character view, we should have some knowledge of what is going on in her mind. The characters were very interesting and I wanted to learn more about them- maybe get a bit of their back-story for more interest.

There are some grammar mistakes I want to point out. "My wrist burned, they were on fire, Then he grabbed my ankles...." should be either "My wrist burned, they were on fire. He grabbed my ankles..." or "My wrist burned, they were on fire, then he grabbed my ankles..."

Also, in "Screeching, screaming, and scolding him I tried to break free, But every time I moved..." should be "Screeching, screaming, and scolding him, I tried to break free, but every time I moved..."

Overall, the essay was very interesting, just needed to add in more detail, slow down, and it would be totally great. :D

User avatar
214 Reviews

Points: 14468
Reviews: 214

Mon Jun 08, 2015 4:37 pm
artybirdy wrote a review...

I haven’t read the previous reviews, so I apologise if I’m only repeating what they might have also mentioned.

You have a basic idea laid out – all you need to improve in, is your storytelling.

In the second paragraph, we see her getting kidnapped but not her struggle to escape him. It feels kind of unrealistic. Throw in some dialogues and explore her thoughts and feelings.

Moreover, you need to work on your pace. Your story ended too quickly due to the lack of details. You gave us little about their background and how the story came to this point. For example, you could have added flashbacks; maybe of the first time they met, she had a bad feeling about him because of something he does. But, she didn’t do anything. She can then regret not acting upon her instincts back then.

Overall, good effort.

Well done, and keep writing!

User avatar
46 Reviews

Points: 3000
Reviews: 46

Sun Jun 07, 2015 1:26 am
willachilles wrote a review...

Wow, I'm not sure what to say about this.

Hey, Will here.

This story is so fast-paced. I'm just going to get that off my chest. I felt as if everything was happening in a minute. First the kidnapping, then the car ride in the trunk, then how she tried to escape, and then the gunshot - waaaaaay too fast.

I liked how you started to slow it down and explain the story more when you wrote this:

I had a history with him, his name was Damon. He lived in my neighborhood and he had worked for my parents for many years, my family trusted him, so why was he doing this to me I thought.

And some more of that would really help. Maybe you should describe the truck ride, something like this:

"I heard the engine roar to life and came to the conclusion I was in the trunk of a car. And after a while, my senses came to life. The smell of the trunk, like rotten fish. The musty odour blocked my nose. I could feel the wheels spinning under me. With each bump I felt like throwing up. I heard the radio from inside the car, some sort of news channel. I had a history with him, Damon. He lived in my neighborhood and he had worked for my parents for many years. My family trusted him, so why was he doing this to me? I felt like passing out, when the car engine stopped."

Something like that would be great as it describes the senses she has at that moment. Many other writers here have told me and I will pass this information on to you (but you've probably heard it anyway): 'Show, not tell.' And to do this, I just remember the 5 senses, and try to describe them.

Other than that, I would say that there are a few grammatical errors here and there.

I know you will continue this story, and please do so. I enjoyed it and as @Hannawrites said, I want more!


Random avatar

Points: 313
Reviews: 7

Mon Jun 01, 2015 7:22 pm
Hannawrites wrote a review...

This story is a whirlwind. A little confusing as everything is happening so fast, the readers barely have time to catch their breath, but still very engaging. The ending is abrupt and leaves me wanting more, in fact the whole story left me wanting to know more, who is this girl and why is she being attacked. It seems to me that you are planning on writing another part to this and I hope you do. I'm anxious to see how you develop the character Damon and the main character.

If you don't know it's impossible it's easier to do. And because nobody's done it before, they haven't made up rules to stop anyone doing that again, yet.
— Neil Gaiman

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