I've been practicing a bit of short poetry, and I'd like some feed back on how professional/amateur these Quatrains and Couplets are.
Quatrains-
1) I sink deeper into the pit
and I see the darkness glisten,
but who can I turn to
when no one's there to listen.
2) I see a light up in the sky,
a shining bulb bright as can be,
but how can I tell that it is not a lie,
faking harmony.
Couplet-
1) The sun has risen, it is now dawn,
the moon is playing as the morning's pawn.
2) The quite stillness of the night
has been been unbroken since the twilight.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Hey, I have a few bits to mention on your couplets. :3
I thought this one was really quite good. It doesn't seem forced at all, which is one of the biggest things you have to watch out for when writing rhyming poetry. My old rhyming poetry sucks sucks sucks, because if the rhyme sounds forced, it just doesn't work. You have to pay careful attention to the meter though, and the emphasis you place when you read these lines aloud. For example, in the first line, I'd put an emphasis on 'now', which throws off the rhythm.
I guess, read it aloud to yourself.
the SUN has RIsen. it is NOW dawn.
the MOON is PLAYing as the MORning's PAWN.
In the second line, 'as the' is okay to break the pattern, because it takes hardly any time to skip over them in speaking, and that's natural.
But generally, you'd want iambic pentameter (at least to keep with what you've naturally started), and that would mean having every other word emphasized (starting with an unemphasized word). So, as you can see in the first line, it's messed up. I'm trying to think of a way to fix it, like 'bursts in to dawn', which might work, just because 'bursts' draws extra emphasis to itself. AHHH I DON'T KNOW, IT'S UP TO YOU! Just pay close attention.
It's more of a problem in this couplet. NIGHT is emphasized, and so we think of COURSE twilight has to rhyme with it, right? Well, I mean, I guess it does, but the emphasis is TWIlight, not twiLIGHT. So it throws it all off and of course you meant 'quiet'. Also, there's no real power in this couplet, so I would maybe just throw it away. The first couple has a nice and intriguing image, though it's not overly powerful either.
Your second quatrain is sloppy, but the first is okay.
Another main thing you have to do is correctly punctuate if you attempt punctuation at all. Take the line breaks out of your poem and punctuate it like a prose piece, then put it back together.
PM me if you have any questions! Short, stand-alone pieces are hard to make worthwhile!
-Hannah-
Tassen Spellbinder here with feedback on your poetry.
Lauren, I think they sound just fine.
I would like to nitpick at a few things, however.
"I sink deeper into the pit
and I see the darkness glisten,
but who can I turn to
when no one's there to listen."
-- I would make this into two sentences: end the first after glisten, and end the second with a question mark.
"I see a light up in the sky,
a shining bulb bright as can be,
but how can I tell that it is not a lie,
faking harmony."
-- I would stick a comma after 'bulb'. Like in the previous, I would make this stanza into two sentences, ending the first with 'be' and ending the second with a question mark. Also, the last line sounds rather short in comparison to the rest. I would use a slightly larger word instead of 'faking.' Illegitimate, perhaps? That, or make it "a fake harmony." That would work too, I think.
I have nothing to nitpick on in your first couplet, but I do for your second.
"The quite stillness of the night
has been been unbroken since the twilight."
-- I believe it should be quiet, not quite.
That said, I think your poetry sounds just fine. Don't worry about sounding amateur- do what feels right, and someone will always like it.