I'm no poet. Tear it apart, please!
Sometimes we still breathe in chalky rubber
And feel the setting sun on our skin,
The sea of asphalt burning our feet
Sometimes we still hear rubber hitting pavement
As that clouded-blue ball crossed the sea
Our breathless laughter blowing the sails
Sometimes we still feel summer breezes on our skin
And our hands sting under the remembered rush
Of kite string as we crash cheap plastic onto opposite shores
Sometimes we still look out on those shores
Browning grass standing stiffly along
The sea that no longer thrashes its chalky waves
Sometimes I close my eyes,
Look back on me, him, and them
Stranded on two shores of the same burning asphalt sea
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140,596 Literary Works • 673,545 Reviews
Hi Lauren!
I really liked this work! It had beautiful metaphors and wonderful description which painted imagery in my mind. But the thing is, I think I understand this poem. Your setting the scene of one sea with two shores opposite each other. You (or whoever this poem is about) is on one shore and the love interest is on the other shore. I understand that you are trying to describe the scene (or so I think) but to be honest some of it is irrevelant. If it isn't useful to the poem or the topic I don't think it should be there.
However I do like this poem, I just think it needs a bit of polishing off.
Deanie x
Sometimes we still breathe in chalky rubber
And feel the setting sun on our skin,
The sea of asphalt burning our feet
Sometimes we still hear rubber hitting pavement
As that clouded-blue ball crossed the sea
Our breathless laughter blowing the sails
Sometimes we still feel summer breezes on our skin
And our hands sting under the remembered rush
Of kite string as we crash cheap plastic onto opposite shores
Sometimes we still look out on those shores
Browning grass standing stiffly along
The sea that no longer thrashes its chalky waves
Sometimes I close my eyes,
Look back on me, him, and them
Stranded on two shores of the same burning asphalt sea
I'm not exactly sure what it means, but it is beautiful! The only thing for me is, I think it was a little repetative, and that may be somethin you might want to consider revising. But over all, this was a totaly aweseom poem!!!!!
I would like to hear some more of your poetry. you are a very good poet!
Keep it up!!!!!!!!!
Hi Lauren2010,
You seem to alternate between decent imagery and useless description - pseudoimagery, as I call it. It turns this poem into an earthquake that raises the land to the left and right sporadically, instead of a smooth, flowing, even heated kind of bitterness that it seemed the narrator was attempting to portray.
This is one of those examples. "Setting sun on our skin" doesn't mean much. How does that feel anyway? Elaborate or take that image out.
You already said rubber, find another word. The rest is good.
Don't need "remembered". This already has the taste of a bygone memory (and that point is certainly brought home in the next stanza) so anytime you mention explicitly that it's a "remembrance", it's superfluous.
Instead of saying what the sea doesn't do, it would help to say what the sea does do - that is, standing still. Be a little more poetic about it if you feel like it, of course, but right now it seems that you're telling the reader something while trying to find a loophole to avoid actually describing it, and that's disconcerting.
This stanza was good, although the "them" was abrupt, as I had thought that this was a two-person poem before this line. It's a minor point, but it does disrupt the reader's sense of flow and understanding; while that's not necessarily a bad thing in a poem, surprising people with another important fact near the very end of the poem should be avoided.
Hope that helped,
Galerius
I really, really like this. (:
The only problem was....
Oh wait.
No problem at all.
Haha.
*Edit: Your poem is ticky. After thinking about it, I know exactly what it's about now. With that in mind, I feel I can be a bit more helpful with my review.
Hey Lauren
I'm about to be honest. Ready?
I have no clue what this poem is about.
This is not necessarily a bad thing, however. Your poem oozes of airiness. A sense of blithe carefreeness, even though things aren't perfect. I like it.
* The reason I wasn't sure what this poem was about at first is because of some of what Galerius aptly calls pseudoimagery. It doesn't do anything to add meaning or move the poem forward. But don't get me wrong, I don't want the meaning to smack me in the face.
At times, the poem is abstract and at times it's just vague.
I like your subtle repetition, like you're whispering an idea to me instead of hitting me over the head with it. Your poem is interesting because it's more of a feeling than an experience. The first thing that comes to mind is a beach, but upon closer inspection I see a playground.
Goodness, I'm sure this still isn't really all that helpful. Hopefully, it marginally more helpful then before
Write on!
Lette