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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Lauren, this IS a poem! And I think it's quite nice!
I liked how it was a collection of flashes, and it didn't really make sense until I read the last line. Then I reread the whole thing and smiled. I think this poem creates a nice experience for the reader.
I agree with Delphinater here - I think you mean to say, "And then races on to an inevitable halt." Also, I noticed that every other idea takes up only one line but this idea takes up two. Not necessarily a problem, but it stuck out to me.
Love ittt.
Since this poem doesn't rhyme, I found reeling-peeling a bit uncomfortable. And why is the world peeling? I guess it makes sense. Actually, it's a very good image, I just don't like the rhyming.
Even though this is a strange metaphor, I think it works. I would rewrite it, "Blood sprinting from limb to limb".
Unh. I don't think this line does much.
End the poem with a great rhythm and gives meaning to the whole thing.
Please continue to write poetry and I will gladly review it!
-rachel
This wasn't that bad. For someone who doesn't write poetry, it could have been a lot worse. I thought the imagery was good, though the wording was a little off in some spots I thought.
I think you meant "to", "to an", or "till an". Just "till seems a little off to me. Also, don't quote me on this, because I'm probably wrong, but I think you need an apostrophe before till, since I think it's technically an abbreviation.
This line just seemed a little weird to me. I understood what it was trying to say, but the wording made it seem weird and threw me off. Firstly, I'm not sure if sprinting is quite the right word. It's colourful, but it doesn't really fit. I'd just say flowing. Secondly, i would either say "through my limbs" or "from limb to limb". "Through limb to limb" just doesn't sound right.
And just because I'm feeling nice today, and I haven't reviewed in ages, I'll fill in the punctuation for you (to the best of my ability, because even though I think I get the flow, I'm not a mind-reader. Also, I suck at punctuation as well.)
Day starts out too slow,
And then races till inevitable halt.
Caught, a frozen statuette in a door-frame.
Whole world reeling, peeling,
Blood sprinting through limb to limb,
Cold sweat on my colder skin.
I think I'm in love.
Or something like that. There's probably people who are much better at this stuff than I am. Overall, this wasn't bad. If you like poetry, then I definitely think you should keep writing. Remember, it's your first try, and only crazy weird people get things on the first try.