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Stencilled whiteness

by Laure


The blank word document stares defiantly back at me, the cursor blinking mockingly in my face. Inviting me to write and flow, and my mind, like the whiteness itself was bland, dull and ultimately suffocating attached with sickly violets of hesitation.

White, is a suffocating shade. Enveloping and devouring everything in its cleanness. So pristine, so prestigious and so very precocious, like a pampered child it refuses to even loosen up the slightest bit. I could feel the start of a headache, thrumming softly like heartbeat in my temple and the constellation falls into stars once more.

It doesn’t matter now, does it?

I have words, an imperfection perfection slashing across the blank canvas, jagged and ripped.

But

Is

O K

Is

O K ,

b e c a u s e n o w I t h a s b e e n b ro k e n


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14 Reviews


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Tue Mar 11, 2014 11:51 am
Citrus17 wrote a review...



Wow again! How do you do it? You are so good at capturing things as they are and putting so much emotion in to it at the same time. Your wording is so clever and I love your writing style. I find your writing so hooking and with just one line it absorbs me completely in to heavenly bliss. Beautiful as usual and I can't wait to read more of your work!




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Sat Jan 11, 2014 12:08 pm
haylesbales wrote a review...



So so so good! You've done a wonderful job at capturing the emotion and predicament every writer goes through. Importantly for me, I really like the form of your writing, it looks inviting and questioning on the page - something refreshing compared to most pieces. One improvement I would suggest is endingthe sentence 'So pristine. ..' at 'so precocious' and make 'like' the beginning of a new one. I just feel that would help it gain more bitterness and punch as well as aiding the jolty nature of your text.




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Fri Jan 03, 2014 2:57 pm
TakeThatYouFiend wrote a review...



Hello there, I am from "Review the person above you". I am new to "Will review for food" so if have made an horrendous mistake please tell me! I don't think you said a particular work, so I went for one I like the sound of. If there was a particular work pm me and I will review that too.
Firstly I would like to talk about your message. This is really easy to relate to (a good thing) and is practically universal in writers, so you have posted it in the right place. This feeling from a blank piece of paper is so universal in writers that I have already written a poem about it independently. I think it is very deep.
Secondly I would complement you on your varied adjectives particularly "jagged" and "ripped". This are not words I would generally associate with words. (Again in a good way.)
Finally I would like to say I don't understand "imperfection perfection". This may simply be an overlooked mistake or I am to stupid to understand. (That happens alot.)
Hope This Helps,
Take That You Fiend!




Laure says...


Ah, that is a grammatical mistake made by me, it should be a imperfect perfection. Thanks for taking your time to read it!:)



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Sat Dec 21, 2013 6:00 pm
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GoldFlame wrote a review...



Hey, Flame here!

First off, I love your prose. A lot of young authors struggle with where to place it, much less how to do it (and I'm not an exception). But I found that your descriptions weren't too elaborate or blunt, and you managed to include a lot of elements of figurative language--such as consonance--without disrupting flow.

And as FireGirl mentioned, your title was an eye-catcher [by the way, I think that it's an American thing to spell the past tense form of "stencil" with one "l" :]! I usually don't review works in the realistic genre, but with that epic a title, I had to check this out! I nowhere NEAR regretted my idea.

Overall, great job. I just found some awkward phrases that I'll quickly point out here:

...stares defiantly back at me, the cursor blinking mockingly...


Now, there are Grammar Nazis, Spelling Nazis, and me. A Fluency Nazi. You have two adverbs that are in the same places in clauses right next to each other. Maybe you were trying for a sense of repetition, but it distracted more than it promoted fluency. I'd suggest clipping the first clause and adjusting the remaining part so it's grammatically correct, like so: "The cursor blinks mockingly in my face."

Inviting me to write and flow...
Flow isn't the right choice without a noun after it. I'd say bleed, except that would be plagiarism (Kaity's work "Let it Bleed"). Refer to a good ol' thesaurus at times like this!

...and my mind, like the whiteness itself was bland, dull and ultimately suffocating attached with sickly violets of hesitation.


A comma after "whiteness" clears up the meaning.

White, is a...


I guess that the comma is some sort of stylistic choice, and it works...but it nags at me. Probably because I'm a Grammar Nazi. Um, feel free to remove it or keep it.

So pristine, so prestigious and so very precocious...


Precocious? That seems a bit out of place. "Precocious" refers to a child with a superior intellect. How does this describe the color white?

So pristine, so prestigious and so very precocious, like a pampered child it refuses to even loosen up the slightest bit.


Now I'm going to focus on grammar. To start, an Oxford comma isn't necessary, but I'd suggest one to prevent confusion. Secondly, you have two independent clauses without a conjunction or semicolon joining them. The solution is simple: isolate the first clause (beginning of the sentence to "very precocious"). In other words, make it a fragment. Then turn the other bits into a complex sentence; insert a comma after "child", and you've just separated dependent clause from independent. What it now looks like:

"So pristine, so prestigious, and so very precocious. Like a pampered child, it refuses to even loosen up the slightest bit."

I could feel the start of a headache, thrumming softly like heartbeat in my temple and the constellation falls into stars once more.


Maybe add an "a" after "like" and swap "heartbeat" for "heart." Insert a comma before "and."

[/quote]...an imperfection perfection...[/quote]

Here's a noun describing a noun. Just swap the "imperfection" for "imperfect" to make the sentence perfect!

Thanks for taking the time to read this. I hope that it hasn't gotten too long :). To be honest, I was intimidated by such amazing description, and I only wrote this review off of feeble Fluency Nazi/Grammar Nazi instinct. Keep writing! I can't wait to read more of your work!




Laure says...


A very detailed review/comment, I love Nazi (the writing one nor the real ones) they help me improve my work since grammar has never been one of my strengths. And thanks for reading this, I wasn't sure if anyone would even read it.

:) So Merci beaucoup!



GoldFlame says...


De nada! Oh wait, is that Spanish? I always get these things mixed up :P.



Laure says...


:D



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Sat Dec 21, 2013 2:12 pm
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ConverseFireGirl wrote a review...



I liked this a lot!
Firstly, I was scrolling down looking for something to read and the title totally caught my eye. "Stencilled whiteness" It's such a good name, really drawing the reader in and wondering what is this stencilled whiteness Laure speaks of? :)
I recently wrote a poem called December Skies, and had the word stencilled in, and some people corrected me on it, but I think that it's American to spell it with one L rather than two? I have no idea, but I love the title.

Now for the WRITING. I love it!
It entrances the reader by the first sentence, as we can all relate to this, I'm pretty sure, and I like your presentation too.
I've read some works where people write all in one solid block of writing and it totally overwhelms the reader and they think "Naa, I'll read something easier.." and they move on and don't look back. But here, you've spaced it perfectly, and I particularly like the end how you've put them all on separate lines!

"White, is a suffocating shade. Enveloping and devouring everything in its cleanness."
Beautiful. I love it, it's very well written and edited. You can just imagine it and I can relate to it totally!

Overall, great work, I look forward to seeing more of your work! :D
-CFG




Laure says...


:D Thank you so much! I've read your December Skies and that is AMAZING, is so beautifully written and describes the sky so well. As for stencilled. I have no idea either, since I'm an Aussie...I should probably look that up. Thank you so much!



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Sat Dec 21, 2013 8:34 am
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Basil wrote a review...



Hey Laure

I love this! It shows just how frustrating inspiration can be, and when you want to write and nothing happens, you get angry. You've captured the feelings well.

However, in your first paragraph, maybe you could have had it like this:
"The blank word document stares defiantly back at me, the cursor blinking mockingly in my face, inviting me to write and let my mind flow. The whiteness itself is/was bland, dull and ultimately suffocating attached with sickly violets of hesitation."
Just a suggestion, though. I still like how you've written it.

In your second paragraph, you could have done this:
"White is a suffocating shade, enveloping and devouring everything in its cleanness. So pristine, so prestigious and so very precocious, like a pampered child it refuses to even loosen up the slightest bit. I could feel the start of a headache thrumming softly like a heartbeat in my temple and the constellation falls into stars once more."
Once again, just a suggestion.

Those last few words, too, kind of have me confused, but that's ok. I still love this piece! It is brilliant!! I hope I've helped!!

Basil




Laure says...


Hey, thank you so much for commenting and pointing the grammatical mistakes. x,x Grammar always messes up my work, I will work on it in the future! So the ending was a bit confusing? I might change that then. Still, merci!



BasiltheCat says...


You're welcome! I'm glad I helped!! Grammar is difficult to work with.
And maybe it's just me, and your ending is fine. I don't know
(PS I didn't know you are an Aussie too!! *High fives*)



Laure says...


Oh nice! Another Aussie! *high fives back*



BasiltheCat says...


Yeah!!!




The worst bullies you will ever encounter in your life are your own thoughts.
— Bryant McGill