z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Guardians- Chapter 1.2

by Snoops


It took me four minutes to run to it. I was standing in front of the red house. The people next to me were in shock. Some had dialed the police, others just watched the flames grow higher. Was someone still in the house? And that's when I heard the scream again. The same shrieking scream as before. Only louder now. And it was coming from inside the building. But everyone else just kept watching.

Ede, go inside. You need to help. 

The front door had already burned down to ashes. I sprinted inside. And regretted it the moment I was in the house. The heat was unbearable. I started sweating he third second I was inside. And I felt like I couldn't breathe, as if my lungs weren't working anymore. I staggered slowly to the stairs in front of me. The first step broke as I stood on it. My knee scraped against the staircase as I fell to the floor. Breathing heavily. I didn't want to move. Maybe I should of just waited until the fireman arrived. It was a maybe anymore, I should of just waited. Why did I have to do something so stupid? And then I heard the scream again. It came from upstairs. It sounded like a small child. I took a sharp breath and pulled myself up again. That kid must have been in there longer than I and he still had enough strength to scream. Pull yourself together. Come on. Slowly I walked up the stairs to see two doors. Coffing loudly, I ran inside the left one.

“Anyone...anyone in here!” I could barely hear my voice over the roof collapsing. With a smash I was pushed to the floor by a wooden bar. My head was spinning; I couldn't move; I felt my heart race slower and slower; my eye lids were closing; I can't die now. No. No. stay focused. The kid..the kid..think about the kid...

I woke up on the cool cement floor. There was some kind of blanket on top of me. It was made of plastic. And then I realized it wasn't a blanket. It was a body bag. They thought I was dead.

I heard voices. And what sounded like a hose. The fireman must be here.

“Help! Someone! Please! Help!” I screamed. My voice felt weird talking again, like all the saliva had vanished from my mouth. “Please!”

The bag unzipped quickly, and I found myself surrounded by at least five firemen. Their eyes looked like they were about to pop out of their sockets.

“You didn't have a heartbeat”, one whispered.

I stood up quickly, trying to get away from the looming eyes.

“I'm fine”, was all I managed to say. One fireman came closer, he was tall with blond hair, and seemed to have burned half his face.

“How can you not have burns?”, he asked. I ignored his question and looked at the red house. It was in ashes now. Not much of it was left.

“The kid? There was a kid inside. I... I went and tried to rescued him. Where is he?”

“There was no one inside. You were the only one”, he said gently.

“I heard someone scream! It sounded like a child, I was... I went inside to save him.” I looked around, maybe he had gone outside before I had. Saved himself. But there wasn't anyone in the crowed behind the police barricades that seemed to have been in a fire. And then I looked down at myself. I didn't seem to have been in a fire either. I was scruffy and dirty; my clothes were ripped apart and crisped; but I had no burn marks.

“Let me call your parents, okay? What's your name?”

Run, Ede, get out of there. Now.

Lu was right. I needed to get home. Dads couldn't see this. I looked at the firemen, then at the house, before bolting it. I ran the rest of the way home. My body was aching, but more like muscle pains then anything else. And by the time I was home, ten minutes later, I felt fine. 


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Sun Oct 30, 2016 5:39 pm
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Gymnast2801 wrote a review...



Hi again, its Gymnast2801 back with another review for The Black Cat Squad!

As you know from my past review, I will leave my overall thoughts at the end of this review. So let's get to it!

- I was standing in the front of the red house. -
Is the house red or are you trying to describe the flames? Something to ponder and maybe fix up because this part is a tad bit confusing.

- “You didn't have a heartbeat”, one whispered. -
Just as your last chapter, no coma after the speach and 'one' should be capitalized I believe.

- ...I was... I went inside... -
No space before the second 'I'


So very interesting!!! I'm curious if Lu is something/someone who has...oh what's the word? I forget it but where he is basically living inside Eden? And then because of this, Eden has special powers? Just thoughts I'm having while reading. And no heartbeat? Oooo, also interesting! I am very, very curious now! I think we develop more with Eden and her personality and views, which I like. She seems like she would be a very kind, obedient child if Lu wasn't in her head. I also think you could make this chapter a bit longer--stretch it out some. Maybe add more detail to the house and to the thoughts rushing through Eden's head (her own thoughts).

Please, please, please keep writing this story!!
-Gymnast2801 for The Black Cat Squad!




Snoops says...


Thank you so much for the review! I'm blushing!



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Sun Sep 06, 2015 8:48 pm
Europa wrote a review...



Hey there Lau. This is TheFantasy14! Great work as always! I'm curious to find out more on what happened in the fire. One thing I noticed, though, we're that there were a few misspelled words. Such as coffing should be spelled coughing. Also I noticed that you said that Eden's "dads" couldn't know about the fire. Are Eden's parents gay, or was this a spelling mistake? I like Eden's character, though I myself can't personally relate to her. Am I right in thinking that Eden is schizophrenic? I like that your story is fast paced, and that it captured my interest. Keep up the good work!




Snoops says...


Yep, she had two dads. Paps and Daddy Joe. I will work on the spelling mistakes. I'm not english, so its a little harder for me. Thanks for the advice, and by the way, there is a part three if you are interested.



Europa says...


Sweet! I definitely am!



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Fri Sep 04, 2015 6:20 pm
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MeherazulAzim16 wrote a review...



Hi lau!! You are doing great with the storyline!

Well as Steampowered said their were some spelling errors.

Unlike chapter one in some paragraph you tried express a lot of things and in the process you wrote a few extra line , well these extras have an effect on the reader's interest. I mean it gets annoying for the reader in some cases.. anyway dont feel bad about that. you got talent!

Well I can suggest somthing: Before writing a paragraph or an incident put yourself in the position the character as you are Ede and you are into that building. Feel the smoke getting into your lung and carry out all the conversations in your mind! Then write it down or type it down.. that should help.

So keep it up! You are doing good! ☺




Snoops says...


Thank you! I will defenitely follow that advice!



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Fri Sep 04, 2015 1:38 pm
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steampowered wrote a review...



Hello there, steampowered here for a review!

It took me four minutes to run to it. I was standing in front of the red house. The people next to me were in shock. Some had dialed the police, others just watched the flames grow higher. Was someone still in the house? And that's when I heard the scream again. The same shrieking scream as before. Only louder now. And it was coming from inside the building. But everyone else just kept watching.
Ede, go inside. You need to help.
The front door had already burned down to ashes. I sprinted inside. And regretted it the moment I was in the house.


OK, this is just a little thing but on YWS it probably isn’t necessary to recap what’s happened by posting the bit that came just before you cut the chapter. If you do decide to do so, I’d make it clear that it’s a recap (yes, I know I did recaps when you were reading my novel, but on YWS it should be quite straightforward for people who weren’t sure what the ending was last time to go back to the previous section / chapter) Just something you might want to think about. On the other hand, you’ve taken my suggestion and put Lu’s voice in there, so yay! :3

The front door had already burned down to ashes. I sprinted inside. And regretted it the moment I was in the house. The heat was unbearable. I started sweating he third second I was inside. And I felt like I couldn't breathe, as if my lungs weren't working anymore. I staggered slowly to the stairs in front of me. The first step broke as I stood on it. My knee scraped against the staircase as I fell to the floor. Breathing heavily. I didn't want to move. Maybe I should of just waited until the fireman arrived. It was a maybe anymore, I should of just waited. Why did I have to do something so stupid? And then I heard the scream again. It came from upstairs. It sounded like a small child. I took a sharp breath and pulled myself up again. That kid must have been in there longer than I and he still had enough strength to scream. Pull yourself together. Come on. Slowly I walked up the stairs to see two doors. Coffing loudly, I ran inside the left one.


I have several issues (well, they’re not really issues but never mind) with this paragraph. Firstly, it’s extremely long. Your main character has just run into a burning building and you don’t want your reader to lose interest. Split that paragraph up into more, shorter ones. Also, it’s good that you have a lot of short punchy sentences for effect, but after a while it’s a bit jarring and it starts to lose its impact. Try linking up some of those sentences to make them longer, so you have more of a balance.

Coffing loudly, I ran inside the left one.


I’d go with the standard spelling of this, which is “coughing”.

My head was spinning; I couldn't move; I felt my heart race slower and slower; my eye lids were closing; I can't die now.


OK, I know what I said earlier and it’s great to see you’ve taken that advice on board. However, more than one semi-colon generally isn’t a good thing. Maybe you could reformat it so it’s more like this:

My head was spinning and I couldn’t move. I felt my heart race slower and slower… my eyelids were closing… I can’t die now.


And I’d suggest putting that little thought of Eden’s into italics. There are plenty of punctuation marks you can use to split up clauses and illustrate a train of thought. For example, a dash or hyphen if your character’s train of thought is veering all over the place. Perhaps ellipses (…) if your character’s train of thought is sluggish (like with Eden, if they’re on the verge of losing consciousness, or if they’re simply thinking more slowly) But semi-colons are definitely best used in moderation. I really hope this doesn’t seem like I’m giving conflicting advice here as I don’t want to confuse the matter. :(

“There was no one inside. You were the only one”, he said gently.


Yay! It’s really awesome (and very flattering haha) to see how much attention you paid to my last review. One tiny little point I’d make: it’s more usual for the speech mark to be after the comma, not before it. So “You were the only one,” he said gently is more common. I don’t think it’s incorrect, but you might want to think about it (also, it kind of looks a bit tidier)

“How can you not have burns?”, he asked.


Ah. You only need a comma where there isn’t another punctuation mark. If you have a question or exclamation mark, you don’t need a comma there as well. So it would be:

“How can you not have burns?” he asked.


OK, one more thing I spotted on a reread:

One fireman came closer, he was tall with blond hair, and seemed to have burned half his face.


Firemen in the UK wear helmets which have a kind of visor, or shield, on them. It’s unlikely, due to health and safety, that they would attempt to rescue her before putting on a helmet. If they are old burns unrelated to the fire, you should probably make this clear.

Anyway, great ending to this chapter (assuming this is the ending, if not, it’s a great ending to this part) and it’s definitely solved some of the questions that were raised early on. I really like Eden; she’s a fascinating character (the lack of heartbeat scene was just wow) and I’m genuinely excited to find out what happens next. This is fantastic work. Keep writing! :D





I am and always will be optimist, the hoper of far-flung hopes, the dreamer of improbable dreams.
— 11th Doctor