z

Young Writers Society



The Guardians- Chapter 1.1

by Snoops


“He called you a bad word.” I said quietly, staring at my toes.

“He's here right now?” The therapist asked, she was tall, with big round glasses and a tight bun.

“Yes.” he didn't always talk, sometimes I could feel him just watching threw my eyes, right now on the other hand he was telling me exactly what he thought of my new therapist Miss Aaron.

“What does he call himself ?” She asked, her huge curious eyes staring at me intensively.

“Lu.” he says its a nickname for his real name, but he won't tell me what it is.

“And when did he said something? What was the first thing he said?” she said, her head now turned to her notepad, scribbling long loopy words.

“He first said something when I was eleven and the first thing he said was happy birthday, Eden.” I knew the questions by heart. They were always the same, the only difference from each new therapist was the medication and the size of the bun tucked behind their head. Why don't we just storm out? Let turtle neck write something new in your file.

That was Lu. Always telling me what I could do. Even if it was the wrong one.

“How many times does he talk?”

“When it started months passed before he said anything again, nowadays he never shuts up.”

I never shut up! My ass, you enjoy my company. “ I would also like to add that he's very cocky.” I smiled.

I'm rolling my eyes, Ede.

“Can I talk to him?” I nodded slowly, he usually didn't like “talking” to others. “Hello Lu. My name is Miss-”

“He says he knows what your name is.” I cut in.

“That's good.” she smiled, scribbling on her notepad again. “Lu, why do you vanish from time to time?”

“Better things to do.”

“ I see, why come at all then?” her big green eyes seemed intrigued, as if fascinated by her own questions.

“He says it's fun to mess with my brain. Tempt me to do bad things, he says I want to do.”

“Like which bad things? What does he want you to do?”

“Sometimes it's something simple like steal a chocolate bar or talk back, like right now he wanted me to leave, but sometimes...” my eyes returned to my feet, I hate saying this.

“Sometimes?”

“Sometimes...” I sighed. “ he wants me to kill. He wants me to kill myself, sometimes others.” My voice trembled at the thought and I couldn't help looking at my wrists. The marks were gone now.

Come on, Ede, don't tell her it's all me. I could hear the amusement in his thick voice.

And then the clock rang. It was time for the next client and that meant I got to leave. Finally.

“Oh, seems it's time. Well, Thursday then?”

I nodded and bolted outside the door, rushing through the next sad and depressed kid. I focused on my feet while walking past the reception and into freezing London.

Why did we have to leave? I was really starting to like that therapist. She had some sexy glasses.

“Shut up!” I huffed.

Heavy snow was patched on to the road, it was freezing but I couldn’t help smiling at it. I didn’t care that I was cold and that my hands were shaking and so for- I just loved snow too much to care.

I tightened the coat and scarf around my body and kept walking. It wasn’t a very far walk, ten minutes on a quick pace, fifteen if you took your sweet time. My eyes darted to everyone enjoying the snow as much as I did. From kids making snowmen to the broke teenager earning easy money by shoveling the snow out of the road. I couldn’t even stop smiling as I saw a young boy, not more than five, maybe six, appear out of the corner of the street. Following, who I presumed was his dad, due to the same brown curls they both had on the top of their heads, and throwing a huge snowball at his back. The dad turned, his face smiling and ran to him. Screaming something too far away to hear. And grabbing his son by his ankles. What a family portrait.

And that's when I heard someone scream.

It was a painfully shrieking scream coming from behind me. I turned around and saw flames, bright red flames, from what seemed of a house a block away. I stopped for a second, looking around. Everyone on the street just stared at the huge flames, even the cars were going slower. I sprinted off. In search for the house in flames.

It took me four minutes to run to it. I was standing in front of the red house. The people next to me were in shock. Some had dialed the police, others just watched the flames grow higher. Was someone still in the house? And that's when I heard the scream again. The same shrieking scream as before. Only louder now. And it was coming from inside the building. But everyone else just kept watching.

“I..I...need to help”, I breathed.

The front door had already burned down to ashes. I sprinted inside. And regretted it the moment I was in the house.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
95 Reviews


Points: 4906
Reviews: 95

Donate
Sun Oct 30, 2016 5:20 pm
Gymnast2801 wrote a review...



Hi there Lau, it's Gymnast2801 here with a review for The Black Cat Squad!

I saw your Guardians II and I thought I should start from the beginning because I'm just that kind of person who has to do it in order XD But just so you know, I will be reviewing as I read along so my overall thoughts will be at the end of this review. So...let's get to reviewing!


- ...staring at my toes. -
Is this person barefoot at the therapist's office? Something you might want to consider.

- The therapist asked, she was tall, -
To me, a period would be better suited after 'asked'.

- "Yes." he didn't always... -
'he' should be capitalized.

- ...watching threw me eyes, -
'threw' should change to 'throught'

- ...my new therepist Miss Aaron. -
Add a coma after 'therepist'

- "What does he call himself ?" -
No space before the question mark.

- “Lu.” he says its a nickname for his real name, but he won't tell me what it is. -
1) 'he' should be capitalized.
2) This whole thing should be the person speaking, not just "Lu."

- "And when did he said something? -
'said' should be 'say'.

- she said, her head now turned... -
1) 'she' needs to be capitalized.
2) 'said' should be changed to 'asked' because it fits better.

Now for the overall thoughts.
Well, well, well. I'd just like to say that I...loved this!! This was so good!! Mysterious, odd, and amazing all at the same time! I love your characters--this demon monster thing inside the girl's head and the girl are tied at first, but I haven't met very many characters yet. I think your first words where very intriguing because you want to know what's going on. Love it! I think you could work on your punctuation and capitalization a little bit and maybe clean up a few things but otherwise, very nice job! I will most probably be reviewing your other works for this too!

Please keep on writing!
-Gymnast2801 for The Black Cat Sauad!




User avatar
107 Reviews


Points: 402
Reviews: 107

Donate
Wed Sep 09, 2015 10:54 pm
Persistence wrote a review...



Hey, Lau. I must say, this is some great writing you have done here.

An awesome buildup to the final course of action. Something we do not often see - not only do we see things from the perspective of the character, but we also get to see a character within a character, someone who is only available to one person in the entire story.

I find it fascinating how quickly the demands of Lu escalate to the extreme. One minute it's just talking back or storming out, and the other it's murder and suicide. The psychiatrist had a good approach to it also, it's just that it ends a bit too conveniently. If they have been talking for a while now, shouldn't they have moved on to more important conversation and have gone through this part already? Anyway, that's just a minor thing, does not influence the bigger picture.

A great, enthralling beginning to a chapter, and you are such a young writer. I can't imagine where you'll be in a few years' time. Keep up the great work!




User avatar
45 Reviews


Points: 529
Reviews: 45

Donate
Sun Sep 06, 2015 4:06 am
Europa wrote a review...



hey there. just wanted to say i love your story. I am intrigued by Eden's little voice. is there a story behind him? is he some kind of spirit? there are rarely ever any fantasy works out there that are really origional, but i've never heard of anything like the tale you're weaving now. I do, however have standards (Ones that are quite rigid, actually) about the language in stories that i read and write, and i would like to know beforehand if the language in your novel gets any worse than the occasional course language. if so, i would advise using gentler language in your narrative for the sake of any young readers or those who have the same standards as i do. other than that, i am behind this tale wholeheartedly. i think there is definately room for Lu's character to develop as well as Eden's and i look forward to see how they both grow and change in later chapters. i cna hardly wait for the plot of this thrilling tale to unfold. i hope this was helpfull, and i'm sorry if you think i was a bit blunt, or if i was overreacting a bit about the one rough word you used in this chapter. all i want to know is if i need to look out for language in this story. Thank you!




User avatar
63 Reviews


Points: 5915
Reviews: 63

Donate
Sat Sep 05, 2015 3:55 am
View Likes
ThePhoenix wrote a review...



Fish fingers and custard.

Image

I said quietly, staring at my toes.


You mean shoes right? Unless he's barefoot, but that doesn't make much sense and you don't mention him putting on shoes when he leaves so...

Image

“Lu.” he says its a nickname for his real name, but he won't tell me what it is.


Everything after "Lu." sounds like something Eden is actually saying instead of as a comment...

Image

“He first said something when I was eleven and the first thing he said was happy birthday, Eden.


Eh, I suggest rephrasing this sentence. Try something like:
"He first spoke to me when I was eleven. It was my birthday, and he only said three words. Happy birthday, Eden."
Or something similar.

Image

“When it started months passed before he said anything again, nowadays he never shuts up.”


Put a comma after "months" as it's confusing otherwise. And replace the comma after "again" with a full stop.

Image

I never shut up! My ass, you enjoy my company.


Try:
"I never shut up my ass! You enjoy my company."

Image

“Hello Lu. My name is Miss-”


Ok, I've never been to a therapist before, but I don't think they would tell their patient (that's what you call them right?) that their name is Miss. (insert surname here). Unless her name is Missy. But the reader would assume that you meant Miss. (surname).

Image

Tempt me to do bad things, he says I want to do.”


I feel like you should rephrase this sentence. Or get rid of the word "do".

Image

It wasn’t a very far walk,


To where? You don't state where he's going. I'm assuming that he's going home, but you need to clarify.

Image

fifteen if you took your sweet time.


Eh, get rid of "sweet". It doesn't fit.

Image

not more than five,


Tiny mistake. No more than five.

Image

The dad turned, his face smiling and ran to him.


Eden should have no idea if the father is smiling. If he saw them appear out of the corner of the street, the father should be facing away from Eden. Of course, Eden would be correct in assuming the father is smiling but you describe it as if he actually sees it.

Image

It was a painfully shrieking scream


Why was the scream painful? Is it because it was high pitched? You need to describe it.

Image

In search for the house in flames.


He's not "searching" for the house if he can see it. He's just running towards it. You can describe it as:
"Navigating my way towards it."

Image

I sprinted inside. And regretted it the moment


The full stop is completely useless. And replace "and" with "but".

Image

And I think that's it. Or that's all that I was bothered to write.
Jk, I couldn't find anything else.

Phoenix out.




User avatar
99 Reviews


Points: 603
Reviews: 99

Donate
Fri Sep 04, 2015 2:05 pm
View Likes
Remington38 wrote a review...



Okay Hi Remington38 here for a review.
I absolutely love reading and writing about schizophrenia whereas its sad in real life it makes amazing stories. If this were a book at Barnes and Noble and just by reading this first part I would buy it. It was genius to make the voice Lu cocky and have an attitude. When ever I did something like this I made it solemn and creepy but the fun is a great creative twist. Also you mentioned suicide in a part but it was subtle and not over powering which I respect. When writers write stuff like that its getting into a very sensative topic and you put it in as a good detail. I really enjoyed reading this story.




User avatar
359 Reviews


Points: 455
Reviews: 359

Donate
Fri Sep 04, 2015 12:14 pm
View Likes
steampowered wrote a review...



Hello my lovely, steampowered here to review your work!

OK, good points first. You have some excellent dialogue here, some compelling characters and a fast-paced, action-packed start. It’s really made me want to read on, which is obviously a huge bonus. Also, Lu is definitely my favourite in this interaction – from what you’ve told me it’s clear he’s not “just” a voice in Eden’s head, and it’ll be really interesting to see where this leads from here.

Most of what I have to say about this is (you probably guessed it!) the nitpicks. Obviously we had a discussion about this before, and I skimmed over one or two errors I spotted with it, but I’ll write them down here for the record so you can refer back to it more easily.

First issue: the speech tags. This is quite a common issue which can be difficult for some writers to get their head around. I know I struggled with this for quite a long time before I finally worked out what it meant. So, because I suck at explaining things, let me instead link you to this really nice, helpful article here which explains it in more detail (I actually end up linking people to this so often in my reviews that I’ve saved the BBcode for it in a Word Document, eh heh heh. Because I also happen to suck at BBcode)

Second issue: ouch, the comma splices. Here’s an example:

“He's here right now?” The therapist asked, she was tall, with big round glasses and a tight bun.


Totally unrelated clauses shouldn’t be linked up like this. As a general rule of thumb, new information such as “she was tall” shouldn’t be linked up to speech tags such as “the therapist asked”.

Basically, if a period could be inserted instead, never use a comma! Although sometimes the semi-colon (;) might work to join clauses together. Totally depends on the situation though.

Right, so those are just two general points about your writing style that you might want to think about the next time you write. If my advice confuses you at all, the only thing I can suggest is to pick up some novels written in English, British or American editions if you can, and read the way in which published authors do it. It worked for me, and it was also hugely helpful for friends of mine when they wanted to write.

Anyway, I’m sure you don’t want me to focus in totally on nitpicky stuff, so onto the actual story.

My voice trembled at the thought and I couldn't help looking at my wrists. The marks were gone now.


So Lu’s been making her self-harm? I’m surprised there aren’t any marks. Maybe scars, which had begun to fade? Or maybe, if she’s super-fast at healing or whatever, you could say something like, “It was strange. Surely wounds that deep ought to have left some kind of trace.” Just a suggestion obviously which you don’t have to take. :)

My eyes darted to everyone enjoying the snow as much as I did. From kids making snowmen to the broke teenager earning easy money by shoveling the snow out of the road.


I’m assuming this takes place in the middle of the City, so it seems unlikely that this would be happening here. If you’re talking about a residential neighbourhood, I wouldn’t refer to it simply as “London”. Maybe one of the boroughs of London? She could walk out into the middle of Ealing, for example. In the quieter, more suburban areas this scene is much more likely than in the midst of a bustling city – after all, who builds snowmen on street corners or shovels snow by hand when the roads will probably be periodically maintained and gritted by machines?

I turned around and saw flames, bright red flames, from what seemed of a house a block away.


Might just be me but “block” seems quite an Americanism considering the protagonist is British. I’d consider changing it to “a street away” or “just down the road”. Also, you can delete that “of” (I’d change it to “what seemed to be a house”)

even the cars were going slower.


Even the cars were going “more slowly”?

Some had dialed the police


Should really be dialled, not dialed. Also, we don’t tend to dial the police in Britain. We might “call the police” or we might “dial 999” (our emergency number) but not “dial the police”.

“I..I...need to help”, I breathed.


Hmm, I’m not sure about this bit. I actually think it might be better if Lu realises what Eden is planning before the reader does. Maybe, instead of Eden saying her plans out loud, you could have Lu saying, “Are you crazy? You can’t go in there!” or perhaps more likely, “Yes, go in there, go in there. Get yourself hurt. Get yourself killed!” *shrugs* Just a suggestion.

Anyway, I think your writing is really developing and maturing, and you should be proud of this amazing start to what I’m sure will be a brilliant story. Congratulations, and do let me know when you upload more. I will review it!

Hopefully this review was helpful. Keep writing! :D




Snoops says...


I love your idea that Lu speaks to her about the fire and that will defenitely go in.
Thanks for the review!




The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.
— Harold Coffin