Young Writers Society

Thanks for sharing this wonderfully insightful composition. I enjoyed this piece because it delves on a very profound truth-humans tend to judge by what they see. I also like the composition because it leads the reader to ponder the consequences of the suggestion: What would happen if we all place a bag over our heads and display a sign declaring who we really are?

Well, one thing to factor into that situation is human nature. Unfortunately, not all humans appreciate what most consider admirable qualities. They consider them weaknesses instead. In fact, there are humans who admire evil and consider goodness a character flaw. They proudly fancy themselves predators and such noble persons as prey. For a demonstration of this I suggest you watch the film Marathon Man and focus on the antics of the German doctor. In fact, knowing exactly who we are might provoke them to attack. That would happen if that paper bag suggestion were literally tried.

Suggestions:

“....you can’t pick your nose....”

so where is my paper bag and my sign?

Because it's about time they see what I am. And not who I look like.

"Thats how people could see....”

Hey, Lau! You already have got many reviews. So, I am gonna leave a short one. Wait, it may turn to be a big one, too.

First, the title. Yeah, definitely the type that catches my eyes. Points to the core-stone topic of the writing. And the topic itself is insightful. I liked it. Yet I found it confusing at some points.

Second, well, here comes my criticizing...Don't get hurt, ok?

In the first stanza, the third line- When I imagine myself......" sounded to be a little bit "out of the blue" or "unrelated" at first. But I did get the point by the end of the stanza. So, I think, you should have said something more to relate the mirror thing and your imagination so the confusion didn't occur.

Well, honey, the 2nd stanza sounded good,too. But a little bit confusing when you put the 4th line after the 3rd.

The third stanza sounded to give a new point to your writing. That is not really a good thing to do. It's the last stanza and like a conclusion. So, you should not introduce any new topic here. The new topic here is the book part and the part when you said about choosing nose and helping a blind person.

Overall, this deep thought needs more of explanation to be clear to the readers. This is a hard thing to do, I know. I messed it up in my story, u already know that. So, we both gotta keep harder. Definitely, I have to work even harder than you.

Anyways, that was good. No, beautiful. The thoughts that you have shared.

This is a interesting piece, the way a person views themselves and how they think others might view them is an interesting topic. An idea I had while reading this was maybe you could take the same writing style and instead of writing it about yourself develop a character and write an extensive piece on how he or she views herself. Might be cool way to grow and build characters? Anyway this was lovely, thanks for sharing!

--Hanna

Hiya!

I figured I need to get back into the habit of reviewing, and what better starting point than new mentee's work?

Firstly, I enjoyed it, it captures those feelings and thoughts in a way that just rings true. I know exactly how some of those things feel, and I like the message at the end - it should never be about physical appearance, but about what the person has inside, and what the person feels inside. I like how you covered that.

Two more things before I move on to nitpicking grammar and stuff. One, I'm a bit confused as to you labeling this as a short story. While it is prose and it is short, it reads more like a short essay/article than a story, as it doesn't have the typical story elements (such as plot). That's not a bad thing, though - it's giving your stance on something, your look at what matters in people - but I'd suggest you maybe label similar works in the future as articles/essays, or even as that vague "other" kind; that will give your readers and potential reviewers a better picture of what they're clicking on. You can always include a disclaimer about what it is in the description field

The second thing, you might want to separate this into paragraphs. It's not very long so it isn't too much of a problem, but blocks of texts are generally harder to read than works separated into neat paragraphs (white space on the page between them also helps establish rhythm and even atmosphere in some cases).

Okay, grammar and language stuff, as I know you'd like to hear comments on that.

Lau2001 wrote:When i imagine myself, i imagine myself differently. Not prettier or skinnier. Just not like this figure i see in the mirror.

Its like that figure is how everyone else sees you, but its not, its just this cover up of yourself, of how you feel and who you are.

But if thats not how i feel inside, how can that be me? How can me be someone I'm not? How can the definition of me only be the person in the mirror or on the picture of my moms fridge?

They wont see

a little depression shock

Maybe we should all cover our faces with a paper bag one day and hold up a sign of who we are.

Thats how people could see who we really are ... you cant pick

you can choose to help a blind person to cross the street

so wheres my paper bag and my sign? Because its about time they saw who I was. And not who i look like.

People are so quick to judge one another, and it hurts when you are the victim. Your screaming on the inside that that is not how your are.
You did such a amazing job in showing that in here. Some people, well most people have difficulties in seeing whats on the inside. Lau you did a fantastic job here! Thank you so much for sharing it, and I am so glad that I read this. I hope to see more works by you soon!

Nice essay about your view in life.

I get the idea that most of the time people see us for whom we really are not; we are even misjudged often. Sometimes I also think that we should label ourselves of who we really are to avoid confusion and misunderstanding, however, life doesn't work that way.

Life offers us the element of surprise, so we could learn to know other people the hard way, by giving our time to them, by sharing our own life. Using paper bag and sign will be the easy way out, for if people see your sign and don't like what's in it, they would just turn around and walk away, but without it, it is a must to know someone for better or for worst.

Am I getting a little serious? ha ha! It's a nice piece you have here Lau. I like what I have read.

This was so great! I think the idea of reflection is always hard to put into words but you did it very well. You weren't harsh or aggressive in your pleas, and you definitely made the reader think. I loved the twang of humor you had in there with: "when she realizes that the books she reads aren't reality." This makes complete sense to me, and I love it so much that I am going to read it again.

To critique: just watch some of your apostrophes and capitalization. I know that sometimes with writing it is easy to just miss those little details, but I think that would just make it look classier.

Write more pieces like this when you can!!

I really liked this. Honestly, whenever I walk by a mirror my reflection scares me. Not because I'm a scary-looking person or anything, but because it's just not me. I know what I look like, but it's not what I look like. Know what I mean? Sorry that was really confusing, but what I really meant to tell you was that I really connected with this poem. I love the idea of getting to know a person without seeing what they look like and making flash-judgments.

A lot of this piece sounded A LOT like me. I especially liked the part where you said "and has a little depression shock when she realizes the books she reads aren't reality." Me too Lau, me too.

Like Rain said, there are some capitalization and punctuation errors, but this is such a good piece they can be easily overlooked.

Also, I to think this would be a really good poem. It's great as is but I think it could be even more meaningful as a poem.

Welcome to YWS. I look forward to seeing you around. Keep your dreams alive, Lau and keep writing.

~Joy

Ooh, this was fascinating.

I loved this. You kept a calm but form voice the entire time I read it, and I didn't feel forced or bored out of my mind. It was intriguing and kept my attention the entire time.

However, I was a little confused.
At first I thought you meant that you don't imagine yourself/see yourself like you actually look like (I know I do - I almost see myself "differently" in my head) but then you talk about the inside person, and what's beyond just their face. So I was a little baffled: which one were you going for? The imaginative kind or the beyond-your-face kind? If you could clear it up a little more that's be great.

Just a quick thing to mention - remember to capitalize your "I"s and put apostrophes in appropriate places (for example: wont >> won't)

I also think this would be awesome in poetry format. If you created another version but made it a poem, I think that would also portray the statement you're trying to make nicely too. It's always up to you though.

Great job! Please keep writing, your works are amazing. I hope this helps you.

~ EternalRain