A Beautiful night to Die.

by Lau
PreviousNext

so yeah, this is my first short story. i hope you like it i guess, i understand so much is wrong with this and i look forward to your criticism! i know there will be stupid mistakes so yeahhh(;

A Beautiful night to Die.

Kate was drunk. She knew this, as her body swayed from side to side in the club. The world seemed to merge into one of blazing lights and boys. Her hips were doing the talking, which was lucky, for her words would have slurred if she had needed to talk. Her lips were still usable in one sense though, as she was hoping to find out. She saw her friend Daniel, and laughed as she saw the boy. Daniel had obviously found someone, as she was locked onto him as their bodies swirled with the music. Kate felt a stab of jealousy as she saw them, and knew she had to find her own companion.

She did not know it, but it would be her last companion and by far the most deadly.

She stumbled towards the 'Toilets' sign and pushed the wooden door with a sign saying Woman’s. She walked into a room, a mirror was facing her as she entered.

God, I look so drunk..

She giggled and a burp escaped her mouth, causing her to laugh even louder. She examined herself in the mirror, and was pleased by what she saw. She looked good and she was fully aware of this fact, yet she would beg to differ if anyone complemented her. She had blonde hair that fell down her face, her eyes were a piercing blue, that shifted between gold, she had never had normal eyes.

She then left the toilets, she could not remember why she was even in there, all she knew was she wanted more drink, but first she wanted some fresh air.

If only she had stayed in there for five more minutes.

As she stepped out into the busy streets of London, a boy ran into her. She gasped as the air was knocked out from within her body. She fell backwards, the Vodka helping her lose her balance even more. She gave a small yelp as she fell, but before she hit the ground, she felt a pair of hands wrap around her waist pulling her up.

He was strong.

She could feel the power behind the boys arms, she felt the muscles move beneath his skin. She had already painted a perfect image of the boy she was about to see. Nothing however, compared to what she came face to face with. The first thing she saw was his eyes, they glowed in the dark street outside the club. Gold swirled into black, his pupil was red.

She should have ran then, she should have realised that was not right.

Vodka is a killer of the youth.

As her eyes adjusted, she saw what stood before her. He was perfect, his lips blood red, as if he had been created as a sculpture, his dark brown hair swayed back in a comb-over.

A man of wax.

She gasped as she took all of him in, his shoulders, were huge. Not in a bad way however, they suited his curving body. His muscles were bulging beneath his shirt. He laughed as she realised she must have been quite loud, and was thankful for the darkness, due to the feeling of all the blood running to her cheeks, meaning she was blushing.

“Sorry, I did not see you there. Which Is surprising, seeing as how could I not see someone so beautiful.”

His breath smelled of mint as it rolled over her. His voice, was as perfect as him. She had never heard such a deep powerful voice, yet it sounded kind.

She could not have been more wrong.

Her head was tipped back and giggled drunkenly as she heard his compliment. If it had been a normal situation she would have denied what he was saying. This was not a normal situation however. He looked at her like he knew she was drunk.

“Would you like some help home Kate, you hardly seem in control” He flashed her a cheeky smile, his lips revealing the perfect teeth that lay behind the lips as his eyes blazed even brighter.

She had never told him her name, yet her state did not realise this. Another mistake.

“Are you trying to flirt with me Mr Perfect?” Kate slurred the words, giggling in between. She was so drunk, she would have trouble remembering this night. Although, she would remember the pain, that, could never be forgotten.

“I would not call it flirting, more like telling it how it is. A young, drunk, good looking woman such as yourself. Alone. That sounds dangerous.” He winked at her and her heart fluttered within her chest. It was the she felt herself blacking out, she was not in control any more, and was not surprised as she woke to find herself walking home with him. She was down a alley, it was familiar. Where was she? She racked her brain, yet the vodka she had consumed was hiding it from her.

How had she got here?

She shivered as she became cold, he looked down at her and wrapped his arm around her shoulders. He was warm, very warm. She smiled, drunkly, she did not know how she got here but she was happy anyhow. He really was perfect.

She should have run.

That’s when she heard it, the screams. She looked up at him fear forming in her eyes, he returned her stare, then smiled.

Oh no.

She saw it then, the evil that lurked within the eyes of the man who was walking her home.

God, she didn’t even know his name.

She realised her mistake all too late and she tried to force his arm off her, yet it held her in place. He was strong, too strong in fact.

“What are you..”

“Don’t try to escape, Kate. Not that you could anyway.” he laughed, and she saw what she had really bumped into, she had never told her his name ether.

Oh

She looked around desperately, she craned her neck as it settled on what was left of Stratford behind her. It was burning, fire had engulfed the city and was forming clouds of smoke to cover the sky. People were being pulled out from their houses and being ripped apart in the street.

What were those things? They were people, yet they did not look human. They were savage, as she saw one, a female, bury its teeth into the neck of a man. Ripping out a chunk of skin, as he screamed, before the creature then snapped his neck, silencing his cries as blood spilled from the wound. The woman latched onto the man with her teeth once more. She gasped as tears formed in her eyes, she struggled against the man holding her.

If he was a man. Whatever those things where, they were not attacking her.

“They wont hurt you Kate, its not their place, I told them not too.” he looked at her, and once again smiled, this time however she saw them.

The fangs.

“Don’t cry Kate” he wiped a tear from her face as she flinched away from his touch, he laughed. A deep bellow of a laugh. Evil.

“You bloody monster. How could you...” she spat out.

'tell me Kate, my dear child, Have you ever read the bible?”

She looked at him, tears spilling from her eyes as she answered, her voice wavering with fear.

“No.” She no longer had the power to argue. She had given up as the screams continued.

“Well my dear, the very idea of 'God' has always fascinated me, even before I was changed by the creator. So, what I ask is, look around Kate. What 'God' would do this you may ask? And I will tell you, the same god who left me to rot and die in a cell. I do this for reason Kate my love. I do not do it for the lust like the others. Although I still need to feed. I do it for the passion of the kill and the power I posses, needs to be released.

I'm truly sorry, we could have been great me and you. We could have ruled the lands of this fragile planet. Yet, you will never agree with my actions. You may not know me Kate, yet, I feel like I know you”

He kissed her then, and she was shocked, yet in the moment kissed back. His perfect lips surrounded her and she breathed deeply as he chuckled. She didn’t even know him. Or whatever he was. Yet, she realised, he was controlling her.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

“Good night Kate my love, sweet dreams.”

The points of his teeth instantly appeared as he shifted his face. Kate realised what was happening but she was paralysed. Something about the kiss had taken away her power to move.

Like a snake, paralysing before the kill.

As his teeth buried themselves in the soft flesh of her neck, her last thought was of her life and what her family would think.

She did not know at the time, but her family was already dead. Bleeding on the pavement or worse. Just like the many others who would follow their footsteps.

The blood flowed down her neck.

His eyes turning fully red as he feasted. Her blood was divine and he drank and devoured every drop.

Until there was nothing left of Kate. Her lifeless body hit the pavement, her neck breaking as she landed, the shocked expression still on her face.

“Such a waste.” Muttered the creature, before turning his back on Kate.

As he walked into the burning streets of Stratford, screams could still be heard echoing over the dying city.

“Kill them, all of them.”

Comments & reviews · 9
Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

Thehotinpsychotic here to review!

So, there wasn't any major problems with this story, other than tiny typos. I really like the direction it went in, especially because the whole vampire+romantic interest thing is so overdone. The thing that makes yours stand out is that he actually killed her. Which is good, because that's what makes it a horror.

Good story though, I really liked how drunk you made the girl seem, and how you point out all of her faults, where she should've ran, because that's exactly what the readers do and wonder.

User avatar
OliveDreams
Review

Hi there! Here to review your piece of work on this marvelous day! I will review as I read to make a little more easier for both of us!

Here goes!

Would like to see a better description of the girl he's with. I want to feel as though I'm there!

She stumbled towards the 'Toilets' sign and pushed the wooden door with a sign saying Woman’s. She walked into a room, a mirror was facing her as she entered. - I don't think you need the mention of two different signs. I would just choose one to use.

“She giggled and a burp escaped her mouth, causing her to laugh even louder” - This line really made me laugh. Something many of us have done I'm sure!

she had never had normal eyes – This is very intriguing! Makes me think something is going on here!

“She could feel the power behind the boys arms, she felt the muscles move beneath his skin.” - I love this description!

“Vodka is a killer of the youth.” - I don't understand this line.

Woah! I was not expecting the wax thing! I love it!

Overall – I think this is really interesting! I wish it wasn't a short story and you made it into a novel! There is that much potential.

Good luck! I hope this helped.

Olive <3

Why, hello there! OMGhamsterdweeb is here to review your short story!

I found the story altogether amazing. I love fantasy stories, so I enjoyed this completely!

Although, I did find some mistakes.

While I was reading, I noticed a lot of commas. Not that many, but if you removed some, then the story will make a bit more sense.

Also, when you said "Ripping out a chunk of skin," I thought 'That's not right.' Then, me being me, I sat for a little while being confused. If it was "Ripping out a chunk of meat," then it would make more sense, as skin only has four layers, and directly beneath those layers are the muscles and veins, and the skin is quite easy to cut through, so it would have to be "meat" and not "skin".

I found some minor spelling mistakes. Not many, but they do need to be fixed, because poor me got confused again.

Overall, I loved the story, and I hope you keep writing!

Swaggy huggles from OMGhamterdweeb!

Random avatar
Alora
Review
Alora wrote a review · Sat Aug 24, 2013 8:51 am

I enjoyed this, I could easily get a grasp of the character in such an intoxicated state. I don't know much about giving reviews but the only thing I noticed was you need to fix the speech/quotation marks in a couple of spots. Eg; when the man says, "I'm truly sorry, we could have been great me and you..."

A good chilling short story :)

User avatar
runawaylove
Review

Hey. Runawaylove her to review your story!
First off, this story was interesting but also typical. I mean I have read dozens of stories like this with a vampire and a girl. The thing that makes your story different from the rest is that the vampire kills the girl and I like it.
There are some mistakes and grammatical errors.

"Ripping out a chunk of skin"

How can you rip out a chunk of skin? It would make more sense if it was a chunk of meat.

"It was the she felt herself blacking out"

This is not correct. "It was the" is not needed.

"Vodka is a killer of the youth."

This sentence is not incorrect but I would like it better if it was "Vodka is the killer of youth." But its ok i guess.

I'm truly sorry, we could have been great me and you. We could have ruled the lands of this fragile planet.

No quotation mark at the beginning of this sentence but there is one at the end of the paragraph.

There are many others. I would suggest that you recheck your work before submitting. Short story is not my cup of tea. I'm more comfortable with poems and lately I'm having difficulty writing short stories. It was a very good attempt. Keep writing!

looking at your other reviews, this is one of your less...harsh ones i see?(; i don't know, but thank you very much, i will change those points. x

I'm not harsh. I just say what I feel. :) And I say to make the work better and to help. I think you should take a look at my reviews of Human Heart with a Garnish to Top
Please don't misunderstand me but when it comes to poems, yes I am a nitpicker.

User avatar
Legibletext
Review

Hey newbie! (I'm a newbie too haha)

Well done, you wrote his well, I got the chills reading it and almost wanted to stop because I was so freaked out. The fact that you got a reader to feel that is extraordinary.

However, there were some errors. But that's OK because even the best writers in the world make mistakes.

Here:

One thing I would highly recommend you don't do in the future, is narrate from the point of view of someone who dies in the end. It just doesn't make sense really. I dunno. My English teacher gave me that advice, and he is a genius, so I'd take his word. However, you are lucky you wrote such an amazing story, otherwise I might have been harsher.

Also, I'm not entirely clear on what the creature was. A demon? Satan? A vampire? Sorry, maybe I'm just a bit slow. Haha.

Another thing: "Her head was tipped back and giggled drunkenly" work on the grammar and punctuation in this sentence. It's a bit funny.

Bye bye!

User avatar
ItsCharley
Review

This. Is. Amazing.
I enjoyed this so much, I'm just going to tell you everything I love about it, and maybe a few things that confused me or something...
(Starting from the bottom and making my way up...)

"Kill them, all of them."

Its such a powerful phrase. It makes you seem more intrigued to who he's talking to/about (which is obviously his vampire companions though but still).

"As he walked into the burning streets of Stratford, screams could still be heard echoing over the dying city."

There's so much about this sentence I want to scream about! How amazing it is, I can't put into words. It tells you how the whole cities dying, being killed by the companions of the man. The way you say they echo across the city makes it more intense and interesting! I love it!

"Such a waste."
Telling us that she could've been used for something? Well thats what I would suggest haha..

"Like a snake, paralysing before the kill."
HOLY MOTHEROFGOD! This made me want to cry, I love this, so captivating! Ugh! Haha

"Don't try to escape Kate. Not that you could anyway."
It tells me that he's obviously too strong for anyone to escape from him, informing us that he could be anything of the supernatural kind.

Okay now a confusing part it says up there that she was swaying her hips from side to side, letting them do the talking, I figured she was dancing with someone, but then it says that she needed to find someone, maybe you could've made it clearer that she was dancing on her own?

"He laughed, and she saw what she had really bumped into, she had never told her his name ether."
This sentence confuses me...I'm not sure what you mean by it?

I hope I gave you some good feedback! Cheers love! xox

~ Charley

Thank you for that haha, did make me laugh(; yeah, looking back at it that bit does need a little bit of changing, thanks so much tho xoxo

Your welcome, glad I made you laugh ;)

User avatar
KnightTeen
Review

Hey, HT here for a review.

Overall, I enjoyed reading this. But I would like to make some suggestions to help you improve it even more. Keep in mind that these are suggestions, and that if you choose not to take them then I will not be offended.

She knew this, as her body swayed from side to side in the club.


Something about this sentence just doesn't sit right with me. I think that it would work better as, "She knew this. Her body swayed from side to side in the club."

She did not know it, but it would be her last companion and by far the most deadly.


You say that she didn't know it. But, did she ever know it. Before the comma, you should place the word(s) 'then' or 'at that moment/time".

Which Is surprising,

Unnecessary capitalization.


he laughed, and she saw what she had really bumped into, she had never told her his name ether.


I'm not really sure what you meant by this sentence.


I saw several other grammar mistakes, but they were mostly typos so I'm not going to point them out. You also need to use "and" a little bit more after commas to help with sentence transition.

I thought that the ending was pretty good, although I have to admit I really didn't find it "a beautiful night to die". I doubt I ever will find a beautiful night to die.

Peace,
HT

User avatar
deleted17
Review

Well, congratulations on publishing this!

This was a great piece and I like how you did it in third person but was with the thought of Kate and-that thing the whole time. And Welcome To YWS! I'm glad you're here. :) This was fantastic and I hope you write more in the future.

With All Do Respect
Whole Some Reader

Thank you very much! as my first review that's music to my ears, i didn't expect everyone to be so nice here! thanks



The best and most beautiful things in the world can not be seen or even touched - they must be felt with the heart.
— Helen Keller