Our past is one to write about…
Betrayal can only happen if you love
You lied to me… and broke our trust
Its sting hurts, but strangely it’s painless
Life is a maze and this is one of its dead ends
Honesty is not a policy; it is a state of mind
Lying can never save us from another lie
When somebody lies, somebody loses
A lie has speed, but truth has endurance
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey, hey
Just stopping by to tell you that you've got a great little poem here; succint but piercing!
You have used excellent work choice, and the lines seem to flow from one to the other quite nicely. However, as has been noted, I feel that the poem suffers from insufficient pacing. While it is within your creative license to reject punctuation, I can only see correct punctuation improving this poem, with full-stops at the end of a few lines, and commas, too. Otherwise, you cause me, the reader, to make my own pauses (especially when it's not needed) which ruins the momentum you created (or tension) and thus, ruins the overall effect of the poem.
The form, I'd argue could stay how it is, or it could be split as has previously been suggested, but personally I find the main irk with this poem is the lack of punctuation, not incorrect form.
Again, I really enjoyed your poem, notably the last 3 lines, and I hope to read more from you! Take care!
[If you have any questions, queries of comments regarding my review, you know how to message me, and I'll only be glad to help.]
I love the last line (A lie has speed, but truth has endurance)! This poem made me look inside myself which is something that hasn't happened to me on YWS before. Your poem's messege was clearly shown. The only thing I would possibly change is the format. Let me see here:
Our past is one to write about
Betrayel can only happen if you love.
You lied to me
and broke our trust.
It's sting hurts,
but strangly it's painless.
Life is a maze
and this is one of the dead ends.
Honesty is not a policy;
it is a state of mind.
Lying can never save us
from another lie.
When somebody lies,
somebody loses.
A lie has speed,
but truth has endurance.
The word choice is really exceptional!
Write on,
~Heidi~