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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
I don't know if you've noticed so far, but I really like to use gifs in the introduction and closing of each of my reviews.
Okay so I had typed a bunch of stuff into this review yesterday. Evidently yws did not care to save all of it for me so I guess I'll try and remember all of my commentary.
In the first two parts of this, I didn't think too much of your main character. I think that was mainly because I had only seen her interactions with Scott and those just struck me in a stereotype way. I try not to pick too much at the main character when the story is just starting out, mainly because I shouldn't have a permanent judgement that early on.
However, the character that was presented in this part felt entirely different than the other character. I think it comes from her having interactions with other people.
Let's just skip to the end so I can complain about Mira.
I already told you on discord what I thought of Mira but on a re read, I wish I had added more expletives to that statement. I think this also comes back to how not very much of the background info has been produced and the reader has only a little bit of basis for the dislike. Like yes, Mira is cold. But also I just thought she disliked Zelda because of the class thing. Not the kidnapping thing.
Those will all just be things that you have to introduce as the plot goes along, just thought I would some of the confusion that continues to occur.
Another reason that I get confused at some points is due to your wording. I might have started to talk about this before but I can't remember?
This is one of the points I had picked at in the original review that went and died on me. It's a bit awkward to have the confusion right out of the gate which is why I think my judgement was off for reading the rest of it.
I eventually got what you meant but it took me way too long to get there.
And I definitely had more comments originally. I just can't remember them atm so I'll add them into the next review, whenever I manage to do that.
- Lizz <3
Alright so I'm binging, because reading 3 (5?) scenes in an hour is something akin to a miracle.
This has gone from interesting like a pile of thread to interesting like a thumbnail sketch with a colour story on the side— rough and tumbled and too small, but giving you enough details to have some idea what the final will be.
Suggestion 1: swap out the Justin of the previous scene for the Justin of this scene. Flip-flopping them will give Justin the colour he needs for the outburst to be Wrong. It will also allow for a better build up from uneasy-not-quite-right to missing, which I think will help this scene feel less awkward transition and more tense.
Suggestion 2: Have Justin be as suspected as Zelda, but for different reasons. Mrs. Keys accuses Justin because he's a little too smile-y, a little too accepted for a close-knit town. He just appeared out of nowhere, had a kid with a rich girl in town with a good pedigree (how did he do that?), and now he owns a successful (ish?) flower shop.
He's weird. Not weird in ways Zelda would see, of course, because she's noticing everyone based on their metric of how accepted they are and Justin is accepted so of course he'd be above suspicion, but.
In the rich part of town, he wouldn't have fit in, either. And I feel like threading him into this outburst would help push everything towards "what?" and help break Zelda's world.
Right now Zelda is a scapegoat, and she's a good one— that much has been established. But even with her flawed PoV she could still not be the only scapegoat, and this goes double for superstitious rich folk who watched one of their own be potentially taken advantage of by a gilded-tongued man with no history and no money and far too much flare at things rich people like to hold a monopoly on.
Zelda is, after all, just a high school student. But these disappearances date much farther back, don't they? Long enough for Justin to have settled down and wait, why is he like this, and why did he appear when so many people disappear?
That's the main structural thing that stood out to me. Zelda mentions Justin fits in, but that fitting in feels unnatural to me, and I think the townspeople would pick up on that unnaturalness. Especially with such stratified wealth, especially with so many superstitions. Justin just appeared out of nowhere. Why did he appear and nobody else has come back?
Just a thought.
And I feel like I'm repeating myself because it's two am haha. Hope this helped in some way. Hit me up with questions.
~Rosey
Hiya, didn't get round to this for a while because I was trying to avoid burnout but review day seems like a good time to start again
Nit-picks (this is going to look very nit-pick heavy but that's just because there's more nit-picks because it's longer):
This seems a bit overdramatic. Are apples really beautiful?
I'm not sure it's realistic that the implication of this would be obvious just from what is said. However, this could easily be particular to the family, which would just require something along the lines of how Justin knew what that meant...
Ohhh, he was tense yesterday. I was going to comment on his massive personality change, but in this case I think you should just have mentioned last chapter that the way Justin was behaving was kind of out of the ordinary for him.
Then why is he still wearing it?
Probably missing a "from" between "drifted" and "where".
Homes twice?
A doorbell seems like an odd thing to add on to a house. Most houses as fancy as this probably have them built in... unless this is a particularly fancy doorbell they've upgraded to, but I'm not sure what that would be like.
This is a bit sudden. Maybe something like "Zelda thought suddenly about when Fred Hawkins went missing in April." Actually, the way you intersperse the narration of what went on with Fred is really good, it's just not clear that's what you're doing at first. Maybe it would be worth putting those sentences in italics or something?
I think this might be more impactful if it was "those" eyes.
Overall:
I've seen another review mention the change in Justin's personality so I won't say too much on that, just that the first impression we get of a character tends to be what we assume is their default mode, hence why I assumed Justin was a cold distant father. This doesn't seem to be the case, so I think that's something important to note.
I think I'm going to need to know why people don't like Zelda fairly soon? Like, it doesn't seem to be anything to do with appearance. It could be to do with where she lives but the city/town seems to be somewhat integrated so idk if they Keys would be that afraid of the Other. It's obviously fine that I don't know right now, but the longer you wait the better the surprise has to be, so that's up to you
Suspense at the introduction of Scott being missing was excellent. The dread set in at just the right page, as well as the other emotions running through Zelda's mind. The differing reactions from the parents was also a really nice touch, and I'm actually quite looking forward to more screen time for the parents, if that's going to be a thing.
The aunt isn't really at the top of my mind this time, and not much seems to have changed with her, but this wasn't really a chapter for her so that's fine.
Hope this helps,
Biscuits
Heyo, Raye! I'm back with another review!
Downing something, to me, implies drinking all of it, whereas sipping something implies taking a small mouthful? So that one line feels a bit conflicting, visually, to me.
Is Nerissa the one digging around in Zelda's closet? "I have what I came here for" sounds like it could be in reference to Scott, buuut if Nerissa was digging around in Zelda's closet, then maybe there's some sort of faer item that Zelda picked up? I mean, there's obviously the knife, but there could be something else that the readers haven't been exposed to yet.
Does Nerissa have a helper? Do faer have shadows a'la Peter Pan which do their bidding for them? More on this story at eleven.While I did enjoy the apple/hole metaphor, it also felt a tad bit forced? Hole in apple, to fabric, to falling through the other side -- I don't view things falling through holed fabric as... changed? I'm trying to think of something where passing through would leave the object on the other side different, but I can't right now. But again, I do like what you were aiming for there, I just think that the idea could be communicated in a smoother fashion.
I know that he's actually talking to Nerissa with the "we still have a lot to talk about" but the abrupt switch to "why don't you get dressed" as a bit weird? It's a minor criticism -- he's discombobulated, so it makes sense for his conversation to switch like that? It's just a bit of a rough switch on the first read through.
Okay! Yes! I love the interaction between Zelda and Justin! It flowed really well and felt like a scene I could see play out in real life. The whole ten dollar exchange was a delight to read, honestly. I'm very glad that he's not as abrasive in this chapter, because this glimpse into the relaxed Justin makes him waaay more likable as a character -- it also really hammers in the fact that there's something sinister to Nerissa. (I don't trust her! I will never trust her!)
I really dislike it in fiction where characters always text in standardized English with no internet-era abbreviations, so I really appreciate the inclusion of "omw"! It makes the story feel more grounded in reality.
Not sure if I recommended on this before, but I love the flowers for scene breaks. It fits so well with the style.Gosh darn, these descriptions are good. Keep it up!
Her walking to the Key's house felt a bit odd to me -- so, like, she dropped the car off at the Quikway and walked for an hour through a neighborhood that she felt out of place in? Sure, there's killing time, but that feels like such an emotionally taxing way to kill time. I'm probably missing something? But I wanted to bring it up just in case I wasn't.
And, ouch, you really managed to hit the emotional impact with Mira and Harrison Key. That line about Fred Hawkins going missing in April? Like, ouch.
Something came up, so I'm afraid I'm going to have to cut this review here! If you want any elaboration, then don't be afraid to send a message! The story is seriously fantastic and I can't wait to see any new developments! Keep on writin', Raye~
-E
MY POOR BABY WOW OKAY
Not gonna lie, I forgot Scott was going to go missing and that would be the Plot
oopsIt felt weird and off to me that Justin was all Cheery Dad first thing this morning after the way he was last night. Like I realize he's a single dad and this might be how he is normally, but we didn't really get a chance to see him normally before Zelda ran in and found him with Nerissa. So it feels weirdly out of character to see him as Cheery Dad, even though that probably isn't out of character.
It might be partly that Zelda didn't (as far as I remember) think about how weird he was acting in the last chapter alTHOUGH perhaps she used to him acting more or less that way when confronted with his own family. In which case it could also partly be that there wasn't so much as a mention in this chapter in Zelda's thoughts that he's trying to make up for last night or that he's back to normal or anything, if that makes sense.
I love the way Zelda brings in Fred Hawkins' disappearance in between what's going on, although it felt off to me that she just immediately a) came to the conclusion and b) accepted that Scott must have disappeared. I feel like it wouldn't feel so off if we had even just a single throwaway line somewhere in the previous chapter that people have gone missing lately so that it doesn't feel like that's come out of left field to make Scott's disappearance ~extra mysterious~
yes thank you!!!
Justin's behavior in this chapter is very typical with how he usually is around Zelda/his employees/tourists, and the last chapter is very typical with how he is when faced with people who question his past, especially locals, and people who bring up his past, especially his ex. Justin and Karma are very very rocky so I could probably drop it in the last chapter that he acts around Nerissa like he acts around Zelda's mom.
Also yes the disappearances!!! That is definitely going somewhere in 1.1 when I edit it ("coyotes, people going missing, and now a creepy old freakin' church" - Zelda).
There's a lot of stuff that I just haven't remembered to connect between chapters and that'll probably be a lot of my draft 2 edits tbh. And hopefully the next part of this chapter is more stylistic/less continuity-problematic. Hopefully.
thanks again!
#SAME fam omfg that's gonna be my biggest issue in revision